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The ups and downs are tumultuous

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Pinkluna posted 1/21/2014 13:35 PM

My DH had an OA 9 months ago. It lasted 8 months... DDay was in April 2013.

We are reconciling. Had great marriage counseling and are doing a good job of moving forward. But occasionally I get these days where it hurts so bad I want to run away. He had an affair with my friend. While their affair was going on I was trying to help her through her divorce. her marriage ended b/c her husband had an affair. When I found out I was devastated and humilated. I had done so much for her through her pain that I couldn't understand how she could do it to me.

I feel so damaged. My ability to trust anyone (let alone my DH) is damaged. Although we have come so far I still have these painful painful days where I just want to run away. My DH is started to grow weary of these days too. He tries to be there for me but last time I talked to him about it he asked me when we would be able to stop talking about it. He said when I bring it up it feels horrible to him too and he wants a chance to heal. I get that. Its painful to feel shame over and over again. But I don't know what to do with my feelings. So now I feel like I don't want to talk to him b/c I don't want to hurt him but i don't have anyone to talk to.

Right now I feel anxiety and pain and dispair. I wanted to leave this post here to feel connected with others why might feel the same way. Most days are great days... but today is just not. My heart physically hurts

FracturedSoul posted 1/21/2014 13:53 PM

Pinkluna, I understand how you must is hard to work through a double betrayal. And it is WAY to early for your H to want to 'stop talking about it'. Sure he is hurting, but so are you...alot more than him.

If you say you 'had great MC'...does that mean you've stopped? Might be too should also consider IC for both of you (with separate) counsellors...helped my FWH and myself tremendously.

Talk all you want here...we understand all the stages and emotions on this roller coaster.....


Gotmegood posted 1/21/2014 14:00 PM

Would it help to remind your WH how many good days there are? And how fortunate that it isn't a daily miasma of pain, hurt and suffering? Sometimes even in the lowest moments it's been helpful to me to read some of my earliest posts. My life still sucks. My heart still hurts. But I've come a long way from DDay Aug 13 ...... A long, long way.

RipsInMyChest posted 1/21/2014 14:02 PM


You need to talk about the affair and the double betrayal until...until you don't need to any more.

My H also gets very depressed when we talk about it. I have told him this is just how it is. He was not a stand up guy but now he needs to be one. To do the RIGHT thing no matter how difficult it is. This is part of what a WS needs to do to regain integrity.

You only know you have integrity when it is does no good to just say you have it.

Crushed15Feb13 posted 1/21/2014 14:41 PM


I'm so sorry for your hurt. A double betrayal - that's just awful. Its hard to wrap your head around how our loved ones can behave so carelessly toward us.

I know exactly what you mean when you say your heart physically hurts. Mine did too, every day, for months. Until my D-day last February, I used to think "I feel your pain" was just a nice expression. Now I know how true it can be.

I know the feeling of wanting to run away, of feeling like you can't trust anyone again (if you can't trust the love of your life, who CAN you trust?).

But you are among understanding souls here; I hope you find comfort.

Kyrie posted 1/21/2014 15:24 PM

I think a healthy marriage demands that you talk to each other, even if it's painful or difficult. You have to lean into each other. Even though this is painful for both of you, the alternatives will not ease the pain. The alternatives serve to separate. They simply send the pain in other directions. I believe you have to grieve together.

For me, the pain of betrayal often comes in waves. There have been times when the waves came so frequently and powerfully that I really thought I was going to drown. It creates a feeling of desperation. I'd think, something big and horrible has happened, don't I need to do something big in response? Sitting here, being enveloped in fear just makes me feel all the more out of control and helpless. It's a debilitating experience. Of course, your fear is pushing you to run away. You want to get away from what's caused the pain. But the thing is, your fear can't be separated out of you - when you run, it's going to go with you.

He said when I bring it up it feels horrible to him too and he wants a chance to heal.

You know, it's no longer about him.

It's completely counter-intuitive to lean into the perpetrator of your pain when your hurting. It seems absurd. But healing can't happen by avoiding the painful stuff. Avoidance, running away, not talking about it, those things only perpetuate the devastation. I hope you'll ask him to face the fear with you.


sisoon posted 1/21/2014 16:17 PM

He said when I bring it up it feels horrible to him too and he wants a chance to heal.

That says to me he hasn't fully owned what he did. That's necessary a part of his healing, and talking will help him take responsibility. Talking is good for him, even though he feels lousy while he's doing it.

Also, April wasn't long ago. It takes time to build up trust, and you need to give it more time. If your H keeps doing things to build trust, you'll recognize it and trust him - but don't expect that until you've got 2-5 years of recovery under your belt. It gets better as you go along, but it takes long time for the downs to stop fully.

BTW, I'm a little more than 3 years out, and I still bring it up when I want to - the last time was last week, but I'm probably not completely done asking. R is going very well for us, perhaps because I still feel free to ask.

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