Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin
No one can tell you whether you will have another dday, or TT. That is up to your WH. He is moving in the right direction.
Cheaters usually lie on dday, and after dday. They do it to "protect" the BS..but it's usually to protect themselves. Not ALL do this though.
At four months out, it's ok to give him a little trust. Just keep your eyes open and watch his actions. Trust but verify.
My WH took 2.5 years to get it. He was remorseful, but so filled with shame he refused to talk about it. One day I showed him a post here by a FWH. Something inside him clicked. From that moment on, he was a different man. If you have a truly remorseful WH, you will know it. The difference is night and day. I was one who said I would never forgive...and I was stuck in the rage phase for two years(kinda had something to do with his refusal to talk about it.. )..but once he "got it," everything changed. I consider us very happily R'd. There was no broken contact, a little TT, and a whopper of a lie that he told me at 2 years out(long,long story), but we have made it to the other side. I am loved. I am safe. And I have forgiven him.
It's wonderful that things are going to well for you right now. There are a lot of painful stories here on SI...but there are many great love stories here, of people who have survived this bullshit..there is no reason your marriage can't be one of the good stories.
ETA: I added the link to the positive stories.
[This message edited by confused615 at 2:27 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
When I first started reading on this site, I too, was terrified to see all the DDAY #2, #3 and so on. I've realized something though...you can't compare your experience to someone else's. Personally, I've realized something else that has helped me with trust...I refuse to spend my life paranoid about whether my husband will or will not cheat again. That's no way to live. I choose to trust him as long as he deserves my trust. If he chooses to cheat again, I hope I will have to courage to pack up and leave because then I will know that he didn't learn anything from his horrible mistake and I deserve better!I know this has been argued on this site, but I do not believe for one second the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". There will always be those kind of people, but I think it depends on a LOT of factors. I absolutely believe that good people can just make horrible mistakes, learn from them, and NOT make the same mistake again.
I will never in a million years be thankful that my husband chose to hurt me so badly, but I can honestly say that I'm starting to see the good that has come from our situation. If we didn't go through a period of feeling what it would feel like to lose each other, maybe we wouldn't appreciate each other so much, maybe we wouldn't love each other as deeply as we do now, maybe we always would have been "lazy" in how we love each other. When my husband says he wants to spend the rest of his life making me happy, I truly believe him. I'm not sure when I will feel completely "safe" in our relationship, but I've come to realize that loving someone so much is never really truly "safe". There is always a chance you will be hurt because you are loving an imperfect human capable of screwing up.
Good luck on your journey to R. Try not to compare your situation to others.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18
Welcome to SI.
I understand the overwhelming feeling when coming here initially. It is a lot to take in.
My husband and I are 6 1/2 years from dday. A little over 6 years since we decided to jump into R.
He was foggy in the first few months after dday. Really struggled, but we had some serious issues on top of the A.
Since the decision he has done everything right. Transparent, NC, open book. Handled all my triggers, took my anger. Was full of shame, remorse, pain ....everything.
It made R easier to handle, but still took a long time for me to consider us totally R'd.
And we are. Our marriage is happy, I am happy. I don't worry about him, the A is our past.
I don't hide from it or forget it happened. It's a chapter in our book but it isn't our entire story.
I can't say what your husband will do. Nobody can. All you can do is heal you, take care of you and nurture your spirit. He needs to heal himself.
Time will give you answers about your situation and only time. Watch and continue to trust the actions, not the words.
Consistent, loving actions over time.
Keep your healing in focus. Whether you and your H continue through R or go another route is yet to be seen. BUT if you are healthy and aware the choices you make will be based on what is best for you and your family, not a knee-jerk reaction to an A or it's aftermath.
Stick around, you will find amazing support here.
[This message edited by burntandtorn at 3:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
Success story? The founders of this amazing site are an excellent example. The love, respect, and unity that DS & MH have is inspiring.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
At just over 2 years out, our relationship is stronger, healthier and more intimate than it has ever been. It has been a journey of progress not perfection.
PLEASE PLEASE someone tell me if you WS got it from the beginning,
didn't break NC,
really truly wanted to work on your marriage and themselves,
only ONE DDAY, no more APs, no more lying.
We are now 6.5 years out and I consider us happily reconciled.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:41 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]