Life was good, even WW says so, and life was hard -- as it is for everybody. I hate that most of my energy over the past year has been devoted to surviving WW's affair. I hate that we have to live with it forever and that our marriage history includes this.
I hate that I'll never know what it could've been like to be married to someone who always had my back.
How do others get over the bitterness?
I just don't want that to be me.
People I know who are bitter about their situation and life are that way because they did not live life the way they wanted, feel they had no choice, or did have a choice and did not take an opportunity and now it is too late. I think you overcome bitterness by taking control of your life focusing on what YOU need and want.
You have put a lot of energy into that first year of survival...yea it is really hard the first year...survival obstacles will get in your way still and you may or may not decide to put energy into making R work, but put energy into redefining who you are...look at what you need to do...to grow...to heal and become a stronger, better you. You ARE a changed person...and you do have control over who that person becomes. Year two is about getting up shaking your head and saying okay ...what do I want for me?
I hated it. I immediately thought, 'what is this person suggesting, that I'm some unhappy loser?'
Then it hit me that I'm thinking like some unhappy loser :)
Thank you for the answer. It was succinct and enough to drive the point home. It shocked me out of my momentary misery. Seriously, it did that.
Crossroads, thank you for the insight into Year 2. You're right, now that the survival instincts are not dominating my life, it's time to actually figure out where to go from here.
I'm glad I read this before going to bed. I was stuck in a rut all day.
Ughhh I'm so sick of this....
My mother was such a bitter person and I swore I would never be like that.
After DD I told my H that if this was going to make me a bitter person then that would be a top reason for ending our M. That is how strong I felt about it.
Through the last 8 mos I have done so much work on me and I can say I am not bitter. OH did it take time, work and a lot of anguish at times, but again I so did not want that to be me!
I hate that most of my energy over the past year has been devoted to surviving WW's affair.
Oh I remember that feeling. I can taste it. I did a few things. Some healthy some not.
I was hard on her. Demanding BJ's, holding her at and emotional distance because I was scared. Really she needed to be in service for a while. It was not good, but I needed the distance. It also told me she was interested in sticking around - at least for a while. I think punishment, in various degrees is well deserved after transgression. Forgiveness can come later.
I realized it was not about me. Once I committed to that and placed the blame completely on her shoulders, I felt a load lift from me.
I thought back on my life and stupid mean things I have done. That helped me see the human side of confusion, selfishness and pain. I saw her then.
I decided what kind of person I wanted to be -after the A. I don't want to be vindictive, cruel or selfish. I was and am determine to demonstrate to my kids, my W and the world that I live my values. Those values include processing forgiveness for those who have earned it and letting go of the past.
Those things have set me free.
A major challenge for us is that she works with OM. It's her dream job and this morning she told a co-worker she's not renewing it. The first step before setting up a meeting with her boss. She's been told they're likely to buy out her contract early. She came home in tears -- this is her dream job.
I struggled since d-day to have her continue to work with OM. I have mixed emotions right now. Surprisingly, I'm sad for her.
The circle of damage is so massive for both of us.
At this point, you're really comprehending what the A does to you and your M. Who wouldn't be bitter?
You've changed a lot for the better over the last year, and you'll continue to change for the better. It's just painful to go through the recovery process.
If you dont want to be bitter, then leave. Trust me. I learned the hard wat. 7 months of limbo hell called R.
I was bitter. Im getting better onlt now after leaving that heartless monster.
The bitterness, triggers, and obsession is you body asking you why the fuck would you stay with the source of your pain.
Just my opinion.
No R. No mercy. Be strong and dont be affraid.
"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"
James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'
Through it all I rarely showed my anger or bitterness and just choked on it (not healthy), but that is how I am. I created the best possible safe world for her to get her head out of her ass and work on our marriage. But my head was a really ugly place as a result.
If I can make a suggestion - journaling. Even if you never had done it before, start journaling and get the bitterness out. It will help to lessen the bitterness by releasing those feelings.
It has helped quite a bit for me.
Wow...I just reread this thread and even I looked at my response and went "ouch". I really did throw quite a punch. Sorry about that.
I'm 3 years out...big difference at this stage of the game. You have every right to feel bitter for a long time, just don't get stuck there permanently. I also remember cussing like a sailor for quite some time and then thinking I WILL NOT let his behavior change WHO I AM. Same way with the bitterness. Go through all the phases, not around them and then let them go.
I'm glad to hear she's leaving. She needs to. There will be other dream jobs. Appreciate her sacrifice but remember this is her consequence. Let her change herself and when she's away from the OM hopefully the fog will be gone and she can see herself clearly.
I do believe in R but only if both partners really want to work hard...it can't be one sided. It took me at least 2 years to decide and it was based on my WH's behavior.
It was a 12 year affair with all the horrific details. It can be done.
Good luck and I'm glad the sucker punch helped
First of all, I have the same problem as you--WH still works with OW. Before Dday, they used to sit next to each other all day long, but after Dday, he did get himself transferred to a different part of the building & he states that he tries to avoid her at all costs----lately he has stated that he hasn't seen her in months (its a big building.) WH has had the same very specialized job for 30 years, & is close to retirement now-----he told me that he can't switch jobs because he would never be able to find a comparable job, & we have 2 kids in college, & 2 more to put thru college. (We both work outside of the home, but he is the major breadwinner.)
So I truly know what you have been going thru---every day when WH leaves for work, I wonder if he will see her ( & altho he says he has no feelings for her now, obviously, they had such strong chemistry between them that he was willing to throw everything away to have sex with her.) This has been very difficult for me.
I am sure that him still working with her has greatly impeded our R. We could really start a new chapter if she was completely out of our lives.
2 yrs 8 1/2 mos out, & I still feel bitter at times, but it is not so pervasive. I can also look at WH with a lot of kindness----I understand why he did what he did & I accept it. It is now a part of our marital history. Our marriage was extremely child-centered & he felt unappreciated.
R has been very slow, but I think we are finally making some big steps now.
As long as our WS is doing the work, I think what really helps with the bitterness, is to look at our WSs & see that the person that they are now is not the same person that they were when they betrayed us. The A does not define them. I try to focus on what I love about WH.
It is a long long road. Sending you strength
[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:27 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]