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BS rugsweeping?

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bookjunkie posted 1/21/2014 16:18 PM

Sometimes I think my BH is rugsweeping my A. He's willing to talk about it if I bring it up, but rarely brings it up on his own. I can't remember what he said recently, but it left me with the impression that he is "stuffing" alot of the pain. He doesn't want to bring up the A because it upsets me and he doesn't like to see me hurting. It's completely backward. He comforts me when I should be comforting him.

Can he heal if he doesn't "go thru" the pain?

Aubrie posted 1/21/2014 16:30 PM

Before I go on an epic long, trailing novel of a reply, let me ask a couple simple questions.

Does he "stuff" alot? What is he like on a regular day? Does is usually talk alot, or not much?

I'm not talking specifically about the A. Just in general.

ETA: I forgot till just now, but didn't you break NC last week? The reason your BH is "stuffing" is, he doesn't feel safe. He doesn't want to loose you, but if you're still breaking NC, you aren't emotionally invested enough in your marriage. That's a terribly scary place for him to be in.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 4:44 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Brandon808 posted 1/21/2014 16:30 PM

Probably not. Not fully.

A saying used often on SI is "You can't heal what you won't feel."

Is your BH a caretaker/protector personality? Does he treat it as his role to look after you and keep you from being hurt? Maybe codependent?

Another alternative is that he is afraid of you leaving. That if he makes you too uncomfortable with his pain you'll will change your mind. That doesn't have to be based on anything you've said or done. The A itself is enough to instill such fear of rejection.

bookjunkie posted 1/21/2014 16:55 PM

Aubrie -
I don't think that he "stuffs" normally. When he gets mad, you know it, kwim? And he can definitely be a talker about all kinds of things (work, hunting, fishing). And he's not afraid to say ILY to me, the kids, his siblings, in-laws. And yes, it was me that broke NC last week, but I still haven't told him. I know, I know - be transparent. I've maintained NC since then.

Brandon -
Yes! He is 100% the caretaker/protector. When our youngest DD was in NICU and then had to have surgery, he was supporting me even though he was suffering the same as me. We didn't know if she would make it and yet he still felt that he had to be my rock.

WarpSpeed posted 1/21/2014 17:21 PM

And yes, it was me that broke NC last week, but I still haven't told him. I know, I know - be transparent. I've maintained NC since then.

In your other thread, you mentioned your BH triggering over what he perceived to be you looking at your phone strangely.

Putting that together with this, sounds like he's got a reason to trigger and you've got a reason to be transparent. I'm not saying your phone glance was anything other than what you're saying. I'm suggesting he senses something and if you want to help him you should tell him about breaking NC.

It doesn't make sense for you to wonder why he doesn't seem to be all in for R and is rugsweeping when you're not all in for R and being transparent.

food for thought

dogg posted 1/21/2014 20:02 PM

Another alternative is that he is afraid of you leaving

I'm still very new to this, but I would tend to think that might be the case.

Aubrie posted 1/21/2014 20:31 PM

It doesn't make sense for you to wonder why he doesn't seem to be all in for R and is rugsweeping when you're not all in for R and being transparent.

X 100!!!

Yes! He is 100% the caretaker/protector.
Your husband puts his emotional needs on the backburner even in times of crisis. (NICU) And whether he knows about your broken NC or not, your husband is still having to compete with the AP for your attention. You are still thinking about AP. The AP is still making you feel about him more than your husband. I bet you your husband knows it too. He can feel that you are not really with him.

Trying33 posted 1/22/2014 05:52 AM

My BH would win the trophy for best BS rug sweeper in the World. I'm just at a loss as to what do to with our dynamics.

As people have mentioned, your BH is sensing something is not right so his rug sweeping is actually another form of shutting down. If he can't see/hear it, it's not happening.

I also think there's a huge difference between rug-sweeping and denial. They may manifest in the same behaviour but one is refusing to believe something and the other is knowing it happened but not wanting to deal with it.

My BH is in such acute denial, that he's accused me of lying about having an A. Such is his resistance to accept what his life actually is. I'm so tired of it all.

[This message edited by Trying33 at 5:54 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

bookjunkie posted 1/22/2014 08:08 AM

The AP is still making you feel about him more than your husband.

Aubrie -
I don't understand what you are telling me here. Can you please explain?

sadone29 posted 1/22/2014 08:18 AM

I think you're asking the wrong question. He senses you aren't safe, and he's right. Let him know about the broken NC and let him make up his own mind about what he wants to do about it. If my H were still thinking about his AP, I wouldn't even consider R. Your spouse is protecting himself right now, which he has every right to do.

If you want to R, there is no room for secrecy.

Good luck. I hope you both get through this together if it's what you both want.

Aubrie posted 1/22/2014 08:40 AM

I guess that was a wee bit weirdly worded.

Bottom line, the AP still has more power over you than your husband has. You are allowing that power. You are accepting that power. You are falling to that power.

Put up a wall, engage your shields. Fight off that power. Fight for mental and physical NC. Is he really worth destroying yourself and your marriage for?

And I don't have to say it a million times, if you know me, you know my stance bookjunkie. Honesty. Your husband has the right to know that you aren't fully on the wagon for R.

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