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Lashing out and I think I know better

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tonic0405 posted 1/21/2014 16:18 PM

Got a new phone, deleted old pics from old phone before transferring the pics to new phone and I come across a pic that I took of "the" letter ( WS destroyed the original letter) that my WS sent to OW and ended up on my lap on DDay. I read the letter again and did not delete the pic. So obviously, the is quite a trigger and it did trigger the cornered tiger in me. WS wrote terrible things/ lies in that letter about ME, our marriage, my adult children and profeesed his undying love while begging her to never leave him. So, 4 months of trying to hang in there down the drain just like that. I am right back where I was on Dday. This is not the 1st time of course that I have been back but this time I feel like staying there, I don't have whatever it takes to move myself forward. At least prior to a few weeks ago, I was out of the home and coping alone - back and forth, highs and lows but I was alone. Moved back home and now I am full force lashing out to WS. I can't seem to stop the rage. WS is remorseful and is doing everything in every way a remorseful WS is supposed to do. I FEEL TERRIBLE for the things that come out of my mouth. I know he is carrying around so much guilt and shame. He is trying to get through this and function just like I am. Now I am carrying around guilt for kicking him while he is down. We are in IC and MC and it helps understanding but what about a day like today and last night when I am knocked to my knees with disgust, pain and sorrow AGAIN??? I couldn't even say "good-bye" to him this morning, sent a rash of mean spirited texts in response to his text that only said " I would give my life to take your pain. I am so sad and so sorry. " I should probably delete the pic of that letter. I just can't seem to do it. Why??? This experience is making me the type of person that I don't want to be; someone that will hurt someone they love just because they are hurting. I know better than this behavior. I want a D and I don't want a D. Either way it feels like a lose-lose. As I type, I am so mad at myself. I am normally a positive person, always looking o the bright side, always noticing the best in people and now... I am a shell of myself. Appartenly, this was a necessary vent. I don't feel better but I feel heard. Thank you!

[This message edited by tonic0405 at 4:19 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

sparkle09 posted 1/21/2014 16:27 PM

Im only 3 weeks from D-Day but I have a phone recorded conversation I cant stop listening to. My WS knew I was listening but just hearing them interact makes me cringe. She was trying to blackmail him into lying to her fiance and he was trying to get her admit to everything...well of course he had to act like I wasnt listening and they joked and talked for 40 minutes!!! Listening to it kills me but I cant stop. He asked me to delete it but I cant. He is currently living at his moms and it reminds me why I am putting my daughter and myself through this when I listen to it.

whattheh posted 1/21/2014 17:18 PM

I did this too with emails and pics sent by psycho bitch. Its how I found out and there was a lot of lying and inuendo from it since it was trying to break us up.

I asked my fWH to respond in writing to some of it and also read that.

I think this is normal to revisit until you don't need to and is how trauma is handled as we work thru it. I also used these to test my reactions as time passed.

Coming up on a year and just reread them and handled well. Time really gives perspective and makes me feel pity for my fWH for betraying himself too. Psycho bitch was a bunny boiler and actually taught him a good lesson.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:20 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

tonic0405 posted 1/21/2014 17:31 PM

I suppose keeping that pic will serve as gauge of how I am doing with this $h!t storm. OW let the cat out of bag for revenge on BS, he didn't want her to stick around his office longer than necessary and she felt 'used'. Hell hath no fury... Sparkle, may I just say that YOU are NOT putting your child and yourself through this, YOU are trying to keep your head above water, HE put you both through this and I sincerely hope that you take extra special care of yourself. I am trying to do the same and I really am finding out that I take very good care of myself when I am not worrying about everybody else and when I am not taking on their issues. I had to bring myself out of the corner today and remind myself of just I what I just said to you.

kansas1968 posted 1/21/2014 19:24 PM

Don't beat yourself up too bad. Your post is the perfect description of the "roller-coaster" and what everyone means when they talk about it. Those emotions, hate, love, compassion, rage, just keep going on and on in the beginning.
You will have a day of compassion for your WS and then the next day put them through holy hell and then the next day feel terrible about it.

I hope you have some books that you both are looking at. He needs to know that this is normal and he just needs to keep trying to rebuild trust and answer questions.

Time will take care of a lot of the turmoil. Try to delete the pic of the letter as soon as you can. I know you are obsessing right now and that is also normal. We all hear you and have all been in that seat on the coaster. It truly is hell. Hugs. K

brkn_heartd posted 1/21/2014 21:01 PM

While I know that your world is upside down and it feels like just you...we are here. What you are going through is normal. I was also eaten up with my evidence and would keep revisiting it. I advise you NOT to delete that picture. Instead, email it to yourself, print it...delete it and take your printed copy and seal it...protect it. You never know when you might need it again. You do not know what your future is going to bring.

I did have to seal my copies of everything. That kept me from rereading it, and re-experiencing that direct pain. Of course it does not take out the memories.

I also had the feelings of not wanting to stay, but not wanting to leave also. It takes time. YOu don't have to make decisions now.

Take care of yourself and have patience. It takes a while.

norabird posted 1/21/2014 21:40 PM

The advice on how to keep the hurtful evidence on paper yet delete it from your phone is spot on--the pain it causes could be a good corrective in the future, but only hurts you now.

As for the last months of improvement going down the drain...maybe you feel the same intensity right now, but tomorrow or the day after you will rediscover the progress you've made since then. And it really only means that you aren't rugsweeping, which is good!

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