Got a new phone, deleted old pics from old phone before transferring the pics to new phone and I come across a pic that I took of "the" letter ( WS destroyed the original letter) that my WS sent to OW and ended up on my lap on DDay. I read the letter again and did not delete the pic. So obviously, the is quite a trigger and it did trigger the cornered tiger in me. WS wrote terrible things/ lies in that letter about ME, our marriage, my adult children and profeesed his undying love while begging her to never leave him. So, 4 months of trying to hang in there down the drain just like that. I am right back where I was on Dday. This is not the 1st time of course that I have been back but this time I feel like staying there, I don't have whatever it takes to move myself forward. At least prior to a few weeks ago, I was out of the home and coping alone - back and forth, highs and lows but I was alone. Moved back home and now I am full force lashing out to WS. I can't seem to stop the rage. WS is remorseful and is doing everything in every way a remorseful WS is supposed to do. I FEEL TERRIBLE for the things that come out of my mouth. I know he is carrying around so much guilt and shame. He is trying to get through this and function just like I am. Now I am carrying around guilt for kicking him while he is down. We are in IC and MC and it helps understanding but what about a day like today and last night when I am knocked to my knees with disgust, pain and sorrow AGAIN??? I couldn't even say "good-bye" to him this morning, sent a rash of mean spirited texts in response to his text that only said " I would give my life to take your pain. I am so sad and so sorry. " I should probably delete the pic of that letter. I just can't seem to do it. Why??? This experience is making me the type of person that I don't want to be; someone that will hurt someone they love just because they are hurting. I know better than this behavior. I want a D and I don't want a D. Either way it feels like a lose-lose. As I type, I am so mad at myself. I am normally a positive person, always looking o the bright side, always noticing the best in people and now... I am a shell of myself. Appartenly, this was a necessary vent. I don't feel better but I feel heard. Thank you!
[This message edited by tonic0405 at 4:19 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]