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Newest Member: shatteredheart3 (61850)

User Topic: Is NC punishment for OW?
♀ 28837
Member # 28837
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is kind of a recoonciliation topic, but because OW is mentioned, I posted in General.

I found out about my H's LTA because the co-worker MOW broke down and told her husband. And her husband called me and told me.

MOW had been "protecting" my H (her AP) by not telling her BS about the affair up until then. When she told, it all hit the fan, so so speak.

She called my husband and told him she would be there for him (in the d-day aftermath). And he told her she had ruined his life and he never wanted to talk to her again.

Now, this is what I wonder Is the No-Contact sort of satisfying to my FWH, in that he is punishing MOW for telling about the LTA?

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for NC and it was a requirement for our R. But still, I wonder if he is really "showing her". Of course, he thought no one would ever find out about their LTA.

Hope this makes sense. It's hard to explain. Just wonder if I'm weird for wondering this.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Jun 2010
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe part of it. Maybe it was the whole affair ruined his life.

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Kentucky
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I have seen, the affair typically goes underground for far far longer than people think.

There are probably tales you haven't heard yet.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
♀ 38370
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you're weird for wondering and I think that yes, he may have gotten some satisfaction by using NC as a punishment for MOW. Whether he still is (getting that satisfaction) or not...could be yes or no.

If your H is doing all of the 'right' things for you in R it could be that his NC reason started out as punishment to OW and then, when he got his head out of his bum, changed to 'because I want to for Lifechange'.

In the end I think it all still comes back to his actions toward you during R.

ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 200 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I just think it's ALL about saving their own asses when you peel away all the layers of bullcrap.

Affairs are extremely SELFISH acts. Your selfish husband didn't like the fact that his dirty little secret was spilled by his OW and it became ALL about protecting his OWN ass when it all hit the fan. In true selfish form, he was only thinking of saving himself which is pretty typical, actually.

Who knows if he gets satisfaction out of cutting her off at the knees because in the end, she had more of a moral conscience than he did. Something tells me he's one of those types that likes you a whole lot when you're playing by his rules, but the minute you deviate off them, you suddenly become useless to him. And when she opened her mouth, she became useless to him.

As to whether he actually ENJOYS shutting her down, I guess that would best be answered by him.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:53 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And he told her she had ruined his life and he never wanted to talk to her again.
Your WH ruined his own life. He always had the option to say no and walk away.

If he considers NC a punishment for the OW then he doesn't understand the concept of NC. If that's the case is he punishing himself for his part in the A. This may be a good conversation to have with him if you are thinking about it. NC is to end the A and all contact between the two people. If he IS thinking about how much it's hurting his AP since she "betrayed him" by telling then he isn't truly NC. He is mentally still engaged with this woman in his head and NC should include mental NC as well. Just my 2 cents.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 2224 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe if you gave more info, it might sound more like punishment.
However, from what you have described, seems more like he woke up when you found out and he just wants to put distance between what shames him and work on fixing his mistake. He probably knew it was a mistake the whole time. You didn't mention "the fog", so he may be one of those rare WS that "got it" the whole time that what he was doing was wrong.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 4396 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
♀ 25341
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who cares? If you step in dogshit and scrape it on the grass, who cares how the dogshit feels?

Forget about the dogshit. Forget about OW. Live your life.


Me (BS), Him (WH): mid-50's
3 DS: 23, 23, 19
M: 28 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 33
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen

Posts: 6321 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Topic Posts: 8

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