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R after two ddays, years apart?

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steadfast1973 posted 1/21/2014 17:23 PM

Any of the "SI Vets" successfully R after two affairs? I'm having a really hard time with the fact that he started talking to prostitutes 5 days after the 4th dday antiversary. I'm more scared of staying, than I am of leaving...

Rebreather posted 1/21/2014 17:26 PM

I know there are people here who have been able to do this.

For me, I identify with your last sentence. One of the only ways I can give myself "permission" to work on the marriage and give him time to heal himself, is that I have an automatic out in my mind if it happens again. Do not pass go. Do not accept $200. I'm OUT.

You are doing something very hard. I wish you peace on your journey.

HFSSC posted 1/21/2014 17:49 PM

steadfast,
I've been through more than 2 ddays.

My whole story is in my profile, but here's the Readers Digest version.

We married in 1996. Went thru infertility before conceiving our younger ds who was born in 1998. When he was 8 months old, I got pregnant again and miscarried. 2 months after the miscarriage, my H confessed to a ONS. (more of a one DAY stand, as he was hanging out at the lake, drinking and met up with some skank he knew in hs, and had sex with her in the water. ) We totally rugswept that.

There was also a cyber/online A at some point in 1997. I threw an enormous fit, we both stopped online chats, etc and rugswept that as well.

In 2008, he started talking to an old GF with my permission (at first). He told me he had treated this girl and her family horribly and wanted to apologize. I was okay with that, but drew the line when they started chatting daily and calling each other "sweetie" etc. When I came home from a mandated 28 day rehab stay, I discovered he had been talking to her multiple times day and night...sometimes he would call me for my one 10 minute phone call I was allowed, hang up in 5 minutes, then call and talk to her for 2 hours. I again threw a huge fit, demanded MC. I went NUTS on this girl. Harassed her and (if I'm honest with myself) stalked her until she begged me to leave her alone.

JM came to one MC session with me then refused to go back. I made a decision that I needed to stay sober and could not do that and go thru D/S at the same time, so again, I rugswept. But I told him then that I would not go thru this again. He insisted he had not done anything wrong with the old gf, but "understood" why I was upset. He would NEVER do anything like cheating on me again.

So imagine my surprise when I found an email he had written to OW on our wedding anniversary. I confronted him, asked him to leave. We were inhouse S for a month until he could find an apartment. S for 6 months, then a 2 month false R before the final explosion.


Even with all of that, it took one more blow, when I discovered broken nc for months, before he finally put in the effort to fix his brokenness.

Today, we are fully reconciled. He has changed 100%, almost to the molecular level. He even looks different in some ways. He makes eye contact. He is comfortable in his own skin. He is proactive in taking care of me and our M. He has developed boundaries and is willing to do whatever he has to protect them. I feel safe with him. Even when I fall back and respond to him as if he were "old" JM and not "new" JM, he responds with patience and compassion for me.

The difference was when he became desperate and willing to do anything he was told to make things right.

And when I became willing to turn him over to God and trust that I would be okay no matter what.

I totally understand the "more scared of staying" feelings. I felt like such a giant fool when I discovered the broken NC. I was SURE that was a dealbreaker, but when it happened, I couldn't pull the plug. I am certain, however, that if he had not done the amazing turnaround that he did, we would not be together today.

steadfast1973 posted 1/21/2014 18:15 PM

Thank you, HFSSC!

TXBW68 posted 1/21/2014 18:47 PM

Yes. We had 4 DDays with 4 OW.

First was a ONS in May 2006. I knew he was acting funny but couldn't put my finger on it. He left his computer open enough for me to find it for myself in September because the guilt was too much for him. We did in-house separation for 6 months. He said "I want to stay married." I said "OK" and out came the giant broom that swept everything under the rug.

Fast forward to March 2012. Now he doesn't want to be married anymore. In April I find out about his EA with COW#4, who I thought was #2. He left April 29th to be with his true lurve, who lives 1600 miles away. We signed separation agreement. He finally consummated his lurve for her in July. I found SI in August and finally started healing. In October I told him I was ready to divorce. In November we somehow started dating again. (They split in Sept but he didn't tell me.) He moved home 2/21/13 after 10 months separation.

Six weeks later, I was playing on the new computer I had just bought him and discovered an old google chat saying that he had slept with one of our friends. Turns out he had a ONS with her in 2008. Then when I told him to finally come clean or get the fuck out, he told me about a ONS with #3, in 2009 during a business trip to her city. She was an internet buddy from one of the forums he used.

On July 4th, while recovering from surgery, I discovered a love letter he wrote but never sent to OW#3. Turns out it was actually a 2yr EA which continued after the 4 DAYS they screwed while he was on that business trip.

Only after he was able to get right with himself could we reconcile. He is totally open about everything now. During the separation, he discovered that I was really the only person in his life that was true. He's grown up so much over the last year. And I've changed too. I am more cynical, yes. I have set very clear boundaries and he abides by them. But our relationship is better now that it has been in 8-9 years. After a lot of hard work and tears, we are actually very happily married - again.

I wish you much happiness - no matter what your future holds.

Morhurt posted 1/21/2014 18:47 PM

I haven't been through it but I would say that the truth is in his actions. Has he changed since DDay #2? Do you feel the difference?
I also wish you peace, what a difficult road. :(

steadfast1973 posted 1/21/2014 19:09 PM

Yes, he has changed. Truthfully, I was ready to leave before dday2, having no knowledge of his A enabling behavior... Just tired of feeling like a grossly underpaid, overworked live in housekeeper/nanny. But after he confessed, and was truly owning all of his shit... I wanted to try... He's never owned his shit... I feel like i have the husband i always wanted him to be, these last 2 1/2 months. He actually apologizes for things. it's like the prostitute was his rock bottom, and opened his eyes to all of it.

cl131716 posted 1/21/2014 19:23 PM

(((steadfast)))

I wish I could answer that for you but I can't.

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