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Newest Member: FrustratedJoker (61483)

User Topic: To ask or not to ask, that is the ?
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to ask if he smoked ..... sometimes he would get in the car after I picked him up and he smelled of smoke...when I questioned he gave some kind of explanation...never made real sense.... He once smoked way back and I caught him...this had nothing to do with As so could have been that...or not...

So I at 11 months out and R going well quesiton WHY I might want to ask this

I will know for sure, but not sure if that will make any real difference to me or not...or just make ME (not thinking about how it might make him feel here) feel bad because it brings up MORE questions like "where you smoking AFTER SEX?" not sure I want to really know...can I let this go...Is it okay to let it go?

You know what? I HATE having to have this internal debate off and on with myself for so many months....I hate that I have to think is okay to just let some of the questions go because they don't seem to move you forward and you will feel worse to know it? Does it really make any difference now? And knowing and focusing on this....can I wait a few years to ask and it won't be so hard?

Or is it better to go ahead and feel worse for so much longer because now you know and have to deal with that too....Does this make sense?

I think many on this board have the get ALL this information...but not sure if that is ALWAYS a healthy focus...guess I have to decide for rush...I can always ask at any time....but opinions?

I hate this.....

Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 57
Him: WS 64
Married 34 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 341 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I have a question, I sit on it for a couple of days. If it keeps coming up, I ask why I really want to know? Will I bring me closure? Will it allow me to move forward? Those kinds of questions. If the answer to them is yes, then I ask - no matter how ridiculous the question seems.

Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 41792
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also had the 'smoking'-issue. He used to smoke behind my back....I insisted that he has to was something I needed so that I could learn to trust him again.

He couldn't understand my issue with smoking until I told him that I can't trust that he gave up OW if he can't give up smoking for my head I couldn't believe that he gave up one addiction (OW) but not the other. It was a trigger for me.

It took about a year, but he stopped.

If it is a trigger for you aswell, I think you have every right to continue asking. Try to figure out WHY you have an issue with smoking though...might help to explain your issue to spouse and make him more willing to talk/stop.

Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 12 Sept 2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.
Dday 2: 08 Nov 2014. There was more. Much more.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
♀ 36285
Member # 36285
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, if it is a question that haunts me long enough, it's worth asking. Once he gives me the answer, I find that the obsession is gone. I don't believe that there has been a time that his answer is worse than whatever my brain comes up with. And sometimes it's worth it for him to have to say the terrible words to me.

BW Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If this "question" is bothering you - perhaps you need to ask.

Can I ask:
Where were you picking your husband up from when he smelled of smoke?
Could he have simply been around others who smoked...someone besides the OW?

You posted on September 21st:

I decided NOT to know any specific details

Have you changed your mind? Do you now want/need details?

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6216 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 5

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