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To ask or not to ask, that is the ?

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morethantrying posted 1/21/2014 21:12 PM

I want to ask if he smoked ..... sometimes he would get in the car after I picked him up and he smelled of smoke...when I questioned he gave some kind of explanation...never made real sense.... He once smoked way back and I caught him...this had nothing to do with As so could have been that...or not...

So I at 11 months out and R going well quesiton WHY I might want to ask this

I will know for sure, but not sure if that will make any real difference to me or not...or just make ME (not thinking about how it might make him feel here) feel bad because it brings up MORE questions like "where you smoking AFTER SEX?" not sure I want to really know...can I let this go...Is it okay to let it go?

You know what? I HATE having to have this internal debate off and on with myself for so many months....I hate that I have to think this....is is okay to just let some of the questions go because they don't seem to move you forward and you will feel worse to know it? Does it really make any difference now? And knowing and focusing on this....can I wait a few years to ask and it won't be so hard?

Or is it better to go ahead and feel worse for so much longer because now you know and have to deal with that too....Does this make sense?

I think many on this board have the get ALL this information...but not sure if that is ALWAYS a healthy focus...guess I have to decide for myself...no rush...I can always ask at any time....but opinions?

I hate this.....

musiclovingmom posted 1/21/2014 21:26 PM

When I have a question, I sit on it for a couple of days. If it keeps coming up, I ask why I really want to know? Will I bring me closure? Will it allow me to move forward? Those kinds of questions. If the answer to them is yes, then I ask - no matter how ridiculous the question seems.

FracturedSoul posted 1/21/2014 21:38 PM

I also had the 'smoking'-issue. He used to smoke behind my back....I insisted that he has to stop...it was something I needed so that I could learn to trust him again.

He couldn't understand my issue with smoking until I told him that I can't trust that he gave up OW if he can't give up smoking for me...in my head I couldn't believe that he gave up one addiction (OW) but not the other. It was a trigger for me.

It took about a year, but he stopped.

If it is a trigger for you aswell, I think you have every right to continue asking. Try to figure out WHY you have an issue with smoking though...might help to explain your issue to spouse and make him more willing to talk/stop.

SAR681 posted 1/21/2014 22:22 PM

For me, if it is a question that haunts me long enough, it's worth asking. Once he gives me the answer, I find that the obsession is gone. I don't believe that there has been a time that his answer is worse than whatever my brain comes up with. And sometimes it's worth it for him to have to say the terrible words to me.

Dare2Trust posted 1/21/2014 23:13 PM

Morethantrying,

If this "question" is bothering you - perhaps you need to ask.

Can I ask:
Where were you picking your husband up from when he smelled of smoke?
Could he have simply been around others who smoked...someone besides the OW?

You posted on September 21st:

I decided NOT to know any specific details

Have you changed your mind? Do you now want/need details?

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