SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 11 days to dday and I feel like I have made a decision. My father cheated in my mother and broke up my family. I have had a rocky relationship with my father because of his infidelity. My husband knew how I felt about infidelity, hell I thought he felt the same way since he to was disgusted by my fathers behavior (dad is still a cheater).

I have been in limbo all year about what to do about my marriage. Stay or go? I think what has been keeping me stuck is trying to live a life I just can't live. I said from day 1 that I'll never get over it and I can't because my moral values don't include infidelity... It's like a child who's father was an alcoholic and destroyed his family, your not going to marry an alcoholic knowing it destroyed your family😞. I feel like I can't stay in this marriage and saying that I feel a weight has been lifted. My WH is terribly upset but again he brought this shit storm on😢😠.

I know it's not going to be easy, but neither is staying. Both choices suck.

Has anyone felt in limbo? Did making a decision lift some weight off? Anyone feel less triggers when u decide to divorce?

I just want some peace....

I'm a little confused by "in limbo all year" and d-day being 11 days ago. When you say all year, do you mean (three weeks) of 2014? Or have there been unresolvable marriage issues for a year prior to d-day. I hate to tell anyone who is feeling like a weight has been lifted to put the weight back on, but the common suggestion is not to make any decisions for 3-6 months or even a full year. But everyone is different and every situation is different. Just try not to let a feeling of "must decide now" be a weight. You're still digesting what happened and still in shock and any "decision" you make right now will probably change 375 times in the next few months! It's fine to decide to just wait it out, see what happens, "not divorce right now."

I'm sorry you're being faced with any of this.

[This message edited by naivewife at 10:08 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Naivewife, I believe she means she's 11 days from the first antiversary.

dana123, I hope you find peace.

Yes I'm 11 days away from first dday... Being in limbo not knowing what to do😞

There was a really good article posted on SI earlier this week written by Rick Reynolds that talks about the price a BS has to pay in order to reconcile...to forgive a WS's actions.

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/cost-of-forgiving-infidelity

Only you can decide when you are ready to make the call whether or not you can 'pay the price' required to stay with your H. I think there are many of us who were in limbo after one year, even two and three ....hell we are four years out and although things are good and I expect we'll stay together, there's always that 'if' tucked away in the back of my brain and my heart.

I'm sure others who've made the hard decision to leave will come along and share their wisdom and you may also find some help in the Divorce/Separation forum.

Take good care of yourself and know there is no time frame on any of this....we all do what works best for us when we are ready.

I honestly think that you have to leave the FOO issues in the past and deal with your own marriage. Heck, somewhere between 40 and 80% of men cheat, so it isn't like it is some rare thing, and (gently) you can't necessarily prevent it happening even if you divorce and remarry.

Is your husband remorseful, transparent, and helping you heal? I think you have to look at your relationship, with help if needed, and decide if it is workable. I don't personally subscribe to the "it was immoral and he/she did it, so I am done" philosophy. To me, that is too black and white, and doesn't really protect us from human falliability. We all make mistakes; if fidelity were easy, it wouldn't be a Commandment. But, that is my philosophical leaning.

It is only a dealbreaker if you decide it is.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:41 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

Thanks Alex CR I needed to read that article... What a high price BS must pay if they stay😞 I just feel like walking away from this and be by myself for a little while, heal myself without the constant trigger of him.. Financially we can't afford to live apart but he has moved upstairs but it's do difficult. I just want to be happy again...

Glad the article helped...

When I was young (ages ago!) I had a lot of 'I would never' statements, including I would never put up with my H cheating and that I’d be gone so fast his head would spin.

Everything used to be so black and white for me, but as the years added up, I had to remove the word 'never' from my vocabulary along with other fixed ideas I had about a life I hadn't yet lived.

At first the betrayal broke my heart, then I moved to anger and embarrassment finally reaching, after almost three years, a point of acceptance...of the affair and my husband's failings as a man and the fact there are still many things I love about him and his failings are part of him.

Our kids are grown and gone and we could have afforded to divorce. Though they would have been heartbroken, it wouldn't have affected their daily lives, but I very much wanted to keep my family together. I did not come to that decision right away....it evolved over time while H showed me he was truly remorseful, was transparent and working hard to fix what he'd broken.

I've come to believe if you live a lifetime with someone you are bound to really hurt each other at one time or another… that it's probably unavoidable and it's what we each do with that hurt, whether we rug sweep or work together to repair it that determines whether we make it to a 30, 40 or 50 year wedding anniversary.

For a long time after Dday, I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again or feel joy, but I am…and I do. It took a long time……that dreaded word we hear often at SI.

Take care of yourself and love and enjoy your babies….things will fall into place and you’ll know what’s right for you when the time is right for you.

Maybe focussing on yourself instead of the marriage is exactly what you need right now; maybe you will feel differently tomorrow, but if you feel some sense of relief today, I for one think you should grab onto it and "enjoy" it for lack of a better word. Maybe just beginning the process will be enough for you and you may change your mind in the end, or maybe pursuing the divorce will continue to confirm that this is what is right for you. Being "stuck" or in "limbo" is definately a very frustrating place to be.

On a side note, Alex CR, thank you so much for sharing the the benefit of your wisdom with us all. It is certainly difficult to reconcile those "I would never" beliefs with what needs to be let go of in order to move forward and stay in the marriage. Yes, we are bound to be hurt by the ones we love if we truly open ourselves up and allow us to be vulnerable, I suppose that is the risk to loving another; thank you for pointing out that it is how we respond to it and what we to to deal with and get past it that determines the outcome. Happy that you have been able to to make peace, overcome and actually experience joy in your life. Thank you for the hope.