Topic: How many OW is too many OW?!
Member # 41764
| Posted: 10:42 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014|
I found out April 2013 - I know it takes time - but I just don't know that I can get over the magnitude of the situation.
1) OW1 - family friend (entire family, babysat our child, came to bday parties) they slept together in her car after happening(?) to be out at the same bar one night when they both happened(?) to be alone.
2) OW2 - girl her went to prom with in high school and dated for a little while - started talking to her on Facebook and slept with her for months. She ended affair because she got back with her husband.
3) OW3 - woman about 15 years older than us that he met on a website that is specifically for married people looking to have affairs (not sure how long this affair lasted)
4) OW4 - woman I have never met but knows his entire family and many of my friends. Not sure how many times they slept together but know she tried to contact him quite a few times.
5) OW5 - BIG one. Ex girlfriend he was with for years. HATE this woman. All through our relationship every couple of years she contacts him trying to get back with him. He slept with her at least twice around the beginning of 2013 (not sure of the dates. He told me spring - this woman's husband contacted me to tell me of the affair and his dates were different). Not sure how long they talked
6) OW6 - BIG one - girl 4-6 years younger than us. Brought her to our house several times to sleep with her because she was still living with her parents. Sex in our bed several times, and sex various other rooms in our house. Talked frequently and he couldn't let this one go even after I found out about her. I consider this one his girlfriend. They talked for months, constantly, I found so many emails, pictures of her in my house, phone records of long conversations.
7) OW7 - family friend, her family and my family would get together for cookouts, came to my birthday party, they went to high school together, many mutual friends. Have had to stop talking to some friends I really like because I can't stand to her about her but don't want to out her to everyone. Apparently they didn't actually sleep together(?). Just frequently sent each other naked pictures and talked about what they could do to each other sexually and talked about how wonderful the affairs each of them were having on their spouses with other people.
8) OW8 - one of my BESTFRIENDS. Apparently didn't sleep together. He sent her naked pictures on a few occasions and they frequently talked without me knowing. Always very sexual and very inappropriate.
This is not counting all the other things I found on his email and Facebook. They girls he looked up on Facebook that he tried to start something with but I couldn't find anything else. Did they reject him or did I just not find the rest of the trail? Either way her tried really hard and it just would have added to his number of OW. Or the craigslist ads he answered. Not sure what became of any of those attempts either.
When I first found out I remember him telling me he had been cheating on me for the last six years. I specifically remember because I kept saying to myself "we've been together 10 years... He cheated for six years... I had no clue and he cheated for over half our relationship". He has since said it was the past four(?) years.
How much is too much?! How can I ever get over the magnitude of the situation??
Me: BS, 30
Him: WS, 30
D-Day: April 2013 (about 5 years of cheating with multiple OW)
2 or 3? false R.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 21183
| Posted: 11:02 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014|
WOW....Personally for me: ONE (1) Other Woman was enough! If another OW surfaces my WH's butt is out-the-door for good!
I'm sincerely sorry about the situation you are facing --Just reading this is overwhelming; I couldn't imagine if I was living it!
Me BS 59
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
Posts: 6215 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Member # 36697
| Posted: 11:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014|
I would say one but you have to life your life how you see fit.
Posts: 2664 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Member # 40710
| Posted: 12:10 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
Oh.....I couldn't even imagine what you must be going thru. I'm so sorry. It seems that your WH has some extreme issues. I wish I could give you some great words of wisdom but I have none.... I do know that I probably would not be able to R with that much deceit and that many OWs. There is lots of good support here tho and there may be others with similar scenarios in the "I Can Relate" forum. Good luck to you.
two month affair with a supposed friend....more like a filthy whore
R.....it's going well (so far)
Posts: 44 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 34827
| Posted: 12:42 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
When your ready to be done, you will know it. One is too many .for some. I only know of the one ow but its been going on for years. I can say if there were more than one, I would be done but hell I'm still here and this ow has been slithering through my life for at least 6yrs. All I can say is when you've had enough, you will know and no one else can talk you into it or out of it.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Posts: 5729 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 36422
| Posted: 12:54 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
I'm up to 5 OM with my WSO. One is too many really. I'd hate to be in your position though because 8 is more than enough.
Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
Member # 34543
| Posted: 1:13 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
My ex cannot tell me how many OW there were because it was over our entire relationship (20 years). He was actively seeing 4 women at the time I finally caught on...
D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12
Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Member # 27176
| Posted: 4:08 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
Most of the MOW's were friends, acquaintances. I don't even know how to classify his failed attempts.
I'm not sure the body count changes much of anything, it just displays how interchangeable they were.
I will however say that it is incredibly difficult to overcome the nature of the double betrayal. While the WS was seeking AP's from the pool of people close to us, it's difficult to accept how many of those people were WILLING to act with him against us.
The magnitude of the situation can seem overwhelming. We never get over it, we must get through it and heal. Whether R is on the table or not, the nature of this betrayal adds extra layers of injury that will need to be healed.
Take it one small step at a time, and be kind to and patient with yourself.
I'm guessing that one of these OW's is the "straw that broke the camels back"....the one that you discovered first....leading to the eventual discovery of the others?
BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one
Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 36291
| Posted: 4:34 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
Roxy, so far for me the list goes like this:
1) Cheated with random customer the first year we married (9 years ago)
2) Says he hired 2 different prostitutes on 2 dif. occasions, paid them and sent them away because they appeared to be crack whores. Says he never touched them.
3) Mar/April 2013 he hired two different prostitutes and says he did not have intercourse but received oral sex and took their photos. One of them is one year younger than my son.
4) At least two different women he had very inappropriate contact with via facebook and over the phone...both "friends", one an ex girlfriend.
He posted ads on CL posing as a "tester" for a "high class escort service" (I use the term high class very very loosely!!) Over the course of some months he convinced her to meet him to "test" for being hired. She actually fell for it and came with him to a hotel and gave him the time of his life.
D day was November 2011. We are separated on different continents right now and the TT keeps coming. Why do I even bother? To say because I love him feels so stupid.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just sharing my numbers so you might have something to relate to. I'm embarrassed to post this but the need to get it out is stronger than the embarrassment.
Wishing you well, Roxy.
Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Asia
Member # 24719
| Posted: 4:53 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
The first one was too many.
Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen
Posts: 2290 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 40699
| Posted: 5:46 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
The first one was too many.
I was going to say the same thing.
Me BS 33
Him WS 35 Trying4change
Together 5 years, married for 3
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."
Posts: 940 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 36146
| Posted: 6:05 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
I'm sorry. This is very difficult I couldn't imagine. I think for you the question is not how many OW can you live with. I think the question is can you live with a sex addict or do you want to travel the road of your recovering SA husband? Because I think this is what your facing. I couldn't myself. I know SA deserve a chance like a recovering alcoholic, but for me I just see way too much malice and overt disregard for you in his actions. You don't mention it, but where is his remorse meter at right now?Good luck.
Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 41961
| Posted: 6:34 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
I can totally relate. Currently my WH is entertaining three OW at once.... BUT that doesn't include the 10 or more others he talks to through Craigslist. He's a hooker junkie. He's lying to them just as much as me. Telling each of them he's never cheated before. (He has been for 20 years). Telling them they are his only one. (Ummmm). And that he has a lot of money to pay. (We are stone broke, living paycheck to paycheck barely.) he has been stealing from his mom so it has all the signs of a junkie. But I'm not going to let him go into "rehab" and come back. I'm done with this.
I always say I should have left with the first one. But I would have missed out on my two kids. I think we have to follow our destinies and see what our decisions bring. But you have to decide on your threshold of tolerance.
BS: Me 45 WH: 52 Kids: 14, 16, 18, 29 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for
Posts: 422 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 34594
| Posted: 7:43 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
My fwh had 7, 3 before we were married and 4 after. I wasn't friends with any of them, or even knew them, but at the time we lived in a small town and they were coworkers, so we certainly knew people in common.
I'd be wary of using the term sex addict for him. Having a lot of sex with different women does not necessarily make him SA.
As for the getting over the magnitude, you have to decide for yourself if it's right for you to reconcile. My fwh and I are, and it's certainly not easy. I really don't think, though, that it's easy for anyone. You can hear from people whose spouses have had LTA's but with only one person, and I don't think it's easier for them, you know?
I'm sorry that you're in this situation. It sucks.
Me-BS, Late 20's
Him-WH, Late 20's
M 9 years, together 14
DS and DD
"Long is the way And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light" -John Milton, Paradise Lost
Posts: 231 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 20150
| Posted: 8:10 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
I have no idea of the body count, my x was the ultimate sleazebag.
I gave it six months and decided that I could never sleep with him again, so that was it for the marriage.
I was 32 when I married him, 55 when I found out.
Don't waste your life on a sleazebag. There are good men out there.
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
Posts: 19388 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 27148
| Posted: 8:21 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
For me, one was it. I was done and gone. But that is me.
Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver
Posts: 3597 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 24786
| Posted: 8:55 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
The first one was too many.
I know of one- if I ever find out there were more I'm done!
BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†
Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jul 2009
Member # 39803
| Posted: 9:07 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
I'd say it depends on what work he is doing. It is really all the same behavior -- really one, big affair.
So, I don't know - the degrees of hurt may not matter as much as is it fixable?
me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.
Posts: 3192 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39667
| Posted: 9:34 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
Human emotion is not formulaic like mathematics and unfortunately, no one knows what it is like until they are IN the situation. There are a lot of people who say they would be gone if their spouse ever cheated on them, yet here all of us are, most of us trying to figure things out. And of course, statistics state that most marriages will remain intact after infidelity.
It's only been 9 months that you have been processing this - and that is not really a whole lot of time given the enormity of what has gone on. I don't know if you ever get OVER the magnitude…but you will get through it and be a stronger person - with or without your relationship. My SAWS's scenario was one with a long term affair with one woman. Every infidelity scenario is different. Some might say it's "easier" to accept a string of ONS or short term affairs because you at least know they aren't emotionally attached to the person (vs. the emotional attachment at some level with a LTA).
After reading your account, my gut reaction is that your WH probably has a porn addiction as well as some sort of attachment disorder or possible sexual abuse history and some family of origin issues. It sure seems like he was almost trying to get caught given the risks he took and the people close to your social circle with whom he engaged in the affair. Your WH sounds like mine in the sense that he needs to grow up, understand what healthy boundaries are and stop seeking out inappropriate situations.
However, it is important to recognize through all of this: you don't have any control over him. All you have is control over how you react. In the end, he has to decide he wants to be married and accept that certain behaviors - such as social interaction with women - are not going to promote a healthy marital outcome. And you have to decide if you can stay married to this person.
BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"
Posts: 917 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 37437
| Posted: 9:53 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014|
How heartbreaking that you even have to ask this question. You deserve so much better than this.
You get through this by focusing on you (and your kids if you have any). do what you need to to protect yourself. Take a look at the 180 in the healing library. It will help you get back your inner strength.
Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates
Posts: 1057 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
|Topic Posts: 36|