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SpotlessMind posted 1/21/2014 23:36 PM

When we're getting along, it's great, but when we fight...it hurts too much. When he's calm, he says all the right things. When he's angry or defensive...he blame shifts. Attacks. Uses info i told him at my lowest--a low caused by his actions--as threats. Yes, at my lowest point, I had a suicidal thought or two. But i know i would never act on them. He threatens to tell my parents as a way to...punish me? I don't even know.

When he's calm, he accepts 100% of the responsibility for the affairs. When we're fighting, he blames me. He says my actions in the marriage caused his affair.

When he's calm, he loves me. When he's angry, he's a cruel stranger I don't even recognize.

He stopped IC after two visits in November. I started this month. He used that against me tonight, too. That he "started first."

He wouldn't stop saying damaging things, even though I continually warned him our son was listening. I was completely distressed, and I actually slapped him.

I've never slapped anyone in my entire life. My temporary loss of control is terrifying.

Obviously this can't go on. It's my fault, I know, for accepting words over actions. Time and time again.

I am in so much pain.

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 11:37 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Dare2Trust posted 1/22/2014 00:01 AM

SpotlessMind,

I want to gently say:
Your marriage is not in true Reconciliation...
Your husband is being verbally and emotionally abusive towards you.
---You slapping your husband is unacceptable - there's not place for physical hitting in a relationship.
---As you stated: This type of behavior is inappropriate around your child.

Your description of the ongoing conflict between you and your husband negates this comment:

When we're getting along, it's great

It's obvious your husband needs IC and help with his anger, and his verbal and emotional abuse.
And he is being abusive.

I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through - It's not a good situation.

SpotlessMind posted 1/22/2014 08:55 AM

Thanks for taking the time to respond, DareToTrust.

I know that slapping him was incredibly wrong. I'm appalled by my lack of control.

I don't think he was verbally abusive, but I feel emotionally battered.

I can't tell....is this just part of the roller coaster? The ups and downs? Or am I deluding myself? He says all the right things to me, but when it comes time to stand up and take responsibility for his actions with others...he boils it down to "marital difficulties."

That's what he told his family. They asked why he acted so erratically on his visit last July. They were concerned. He was acting erratically because he was desperately trying to hook up with a Facebook chat buddy and former sex partner for sex. He tells his family it's bc we were having a "rough spot." Even after saying he would own up to his responsibility.

And when I point out the discrepancy, he says it's because he was still angry at me for the marriage before the affair. Which means he's not taking responsibility for his actions, right?

Any time I strongly urge him to come clean about his responsibility for his actions to his family (or others--and all I was asking was that he say he made some bad choices that hurt our marriage--no specifics) he freaks out and starts threatening to tell his parents and my parents any and every negative and hurtful thing about me he can come up with from the past 18 years. Is that normal?

I know he has low frustration tolerance, and he's working on it.

Actually, I say that and realize I am working on it. I am reading books, in IC, meditating, and trying to do what I can to work on the marriage and myself.

I...I honestly don't know what he's doing.

Maybe I am just an idiot.

(Also, there are other factors at play that I worry about and would like him to disclose to his family, but he sometimes reads the forum and knows my name, so I'm uncomfortable bringing them up.)

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 8:58 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

traditoperanni posted 1/22/2014 17:18 PM

What your wh is doing is definitely abusive behavior.
I totally understand losing control and slapping him. You have been through a lot and there is only so much you can tolerate.
Obviously, there are deep rooted issues to be dealt with and one or two visits with MC is not going to do it.
If your wh is not willing to do the work then you are not in R.
If my wh treated me that way during R- we would be done.
I got enough of that crap before and I will not tolerate it now.
But, he is going to therapy and IC and we are seeing a MC-so he is behaving 100% better.
Still, there are times when I would like to sock him one, just for what he put me through-so don't feel bad.
By the way, when you say "It's great when we get along " what do you mean by getting along? Not talking about A? Not mentioning your feelings so he won't be uncomfortable? Is that getting along? That's rug sweeping. That's doing what h e wants. Tell you the truth- to me it sounds a little like you are afraid of him.
I really don't see a rependant wh- only someone who is blame shifting and not owning up to what he has done to you.
Please, think this over carefully and don't let him threaten you.
This is abuse.

SpotlessMind posted 1/22/2014 17:40 PM

Hi traditoP--

Thanks so much for your input--I appreciate your time.

When we get along, we do talk about the As. He answers questions and doesn't get defensive, takes the blame, tries to help when I am triggering, and generally acts like a remorseful husband.

But when something happens that makes him angry, I feel like he reverts to the defensive, blame shifting unremorseful spouse he was during our 3 week false R after the first DDay in Sept. When he lied about everything.

He has always realized how terrible his reaction was every time this happens, but it takes a day or two. And I'm always panicking that the reaction won't end. That he will keep blaming me, and manipulating. And every time it happens, my heart sinks a little more. Because I wonder if maybe he is incapable of changing those behaviors.

When he acts like that, all I see is the entitlement that enabled him to have affairs in the first place, and I just fall apart.

I fully own my half of the marriage issues prior to the affairs. Sometimes, on bad days when my self-esteem is shot, I try to take more of the blame. At those times, he tells me, no. None of this is my fault. It was him, and him alone. But when we argue, he says something different.

I know I can't allow him to make me feel responsible.

Ugh. A lot of the fights seem to revolve around his fear of losing face with loved ones and/or friends? Either that or a fierce desire for privacy from other people? (He's been transparent with me..though we struggled to get there.)

Has anyone else experienced that?

I just feel so beaten down. I don't want to give up because we really have come so far and I really do love him and think the effort is worthwhile.....but sometimes it just feels hopeless.