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21 months out...

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Kiwigirl posted 1/22/2014 00:46 AM

And I am in such a weird place in my head. Questioning myself over and over in a detached kind of way. I've written here before that I don't know what I want to happen next with my marriage. I am such a decisive self-actualising person in every other aspect of my life. I HATE feeling this way. I am just treading water.

My husband on the other hand, it feels like he has just moved on with his / our life, forging ahead without waiting for me to catch up. Most of which is damn good really. He is looking forward to the future and appreciating the present. The only thing he things significant enough to talk about is our sex life, which has kind of stalled lately. To be fair to him, when I said I felt conflicted about him which sometimes turns me off, he apologised for creating this situation. But otherwise there's nothing because he genuinely seems to think things are ok. I think if someone asked him, he'd probably say the affair was a good thing because it has helped us build a stronger relationship.

On the other hand, I don't feel our relationship is stronger, I am still afraid to really talk to him. I don't want to rock the boat by bringing up the affair or my feelings. Instead, here i am at 6:30 am typing this to you guys. I spend my time wishing he would bring it up occasionally. I told him all this months ago but nothing changes... Except I think his sense that this is now in the past and we should just move on. He doesn't say this, but his silence and his actions speak volumes. He is loving and kind, but it all just feels like business as usual, if you know what I mean....

What I'm feeling right now is that I've fallen out of love with him but I would like him to win me back, I think, maybe... I don't know. I think he thinks we should do romantic things, concentrate on having sex more, being loving, and be equal about putting the effort in but actually, I have lost the desire to do it just now and I feel like since he was the one to take it away, he should be the one to put the effort in at this point in our lives. I feel a bit like we are strangers now and if he wants us to start again, he really needs to start again, make me fall in love with him again, make me remember why it was I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Like when we met and he went hard out to win the fair lady...

I feel so selfish that I feel that way but I just do.

I just had to let that out somewhere....

steadfast1973 posted 1/22/2014 02:31 AM

I hate that my WH had to hit rock bottom to get where he is now. I am glad he feels better, and is actually dealing with life now... But, like you... I am utterly destroyed now...

Don't be afraid to rock the boat. You need to be authentic, or you won't heal. I did exactly like you after dday1. Every thing seemed great, as long as I kept my trap shut, so I did. He never had to deal with what he'd done. I suffered in silence. He continued his A enabling behaviors. And bam! Just when i thought we'd made it... He started acting like foggy WH again... And... Dday2. He was a dry cheater.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 2:32 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

still-living posted 1/22/2014 04:52 AM

I am still afraid to really talk to him. I don't want to rock the boat by bringing up the affair or my feelings.

You must talk. Without talking your imagination and little mind voice will run wild. There's nothing wrong with talking.

bionicgal posted 1/22/2014 06:50 AM

Like when we met and he went hard out to win the fair lady...

Hmm. There is a difference in feeling like your H is engaged with you, in tune with you, and looking out for you and helping you heal, and being wooed. I think sometimes women mistake courtship for a real relationship. But, my guess is that you want the engagement, etc. and not just a vase of flowers.

Regardless, the cure is the same. You have to tell him how you are feeling, and what you need. It is imperative, and if it feels like you are just "bothering" him, then that is a dynamic that needs to be addressed, or you will likely be frustrated and feel unfulfilled with your marriage.

redrock posted 1/22/2014 07:00 AM

You can't change what you don't acknowledge.

You are treading water because even though he has changed in some ways, he is not willing to step out of his comfort zone(forging ahead) and be a partner in ways that meet your needs. He is skilled in marriage in the ways that he finds comfortable and ignores the rest.

Your H may think that rededicating himself to the marriage and being a better H is R. That the A was some learning 'event' that resulted in him 'waking up' and now you are back to the status quo with the new improved and 'changed' version of H.

But the affair is the dead elephant in the room. You are operating around it and everyday the rot and stink of it makes you a little more uncomfortable. You can't revel in the success of the present and future because the past is still there- festering all around you. You have to cut that sucker up piece by little piece and dispose of it. You can't do it alone. You don't want to. And so there it sits all Norman Bates style in the middle of your life.

How can you become vulnerable to someone who is unwilling to put your needs to work through the A issues ahead of his need to maintain his compartmentalization. The A is in box A and he is now in box B- "the better marriage"- no need to think about box A anymore- never mind talk about it. He doesn't mind the elephant so much- it will dry and shrivel up in time and not be such a bother. He may be able to live with that.

Don't beat yourself up because you are not 'all in' with H 2.0. He may truly believe that he is fixed and moving on. But if he is 'fixed' then why is he incapable of offering you compassion and open the door to finding out how you are feeling in the new and improved marriage? You have expressed your needs for him to bring up the A and he has over written them with his need to put his head in the sand and drive forward.

Not the most encouraging effort from someone who is supposed to be on your team. You have to deal with the A. It doesn't just go away- no matter how long he waits you out. Every day that passes in which he puts his need to forget ahead of your need to deal with it is another day in limbo. And 'not rocking the boat' could take this Ring limbo marriage far into the future.

Consider bringing a third party MC into the situation. Having to be accountable and look at his actions in front of a neutral MC may help him see them better, or at least break his resolve at compartmentalization.

Be kind to yourself. It is not your job to forget and make things easier. It will always float up to the surface until you deal with it. It is best that you both learn that now rather than years down the line.

Take care.

[This message edited by redrock at 7:05 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

Shayna71 posted 1/22/2014 08:44 AM

i agree with redrock. If you dont have a good MC, finding one would be a great. I felt like you did, afraid to say anything that could take us down a bad path, only sharing what I thought wouldn't get us into a discussion I was worried about...but I was able to say ANYTHING in the MC office. I would save up the things I wanted to say, and deal with them there. It felt like a SAFE place. Our MC is a rock star. She has a way of putting things in perspective for both of us when we don't seem to be able to be on the same page, and I knew that in her office he would listen, be calm, and not get defensive. It worked really well for me. Recently I realized that while it served a purpose, it was starting to be a crutch. We took a couple weeks off from MC over the holidays, and during that time I put on my big girl panties and tackled issues that came up for me in real time, things I would have saved for the MC office before. Things went very well. We talked, worked it out, it felt much better. So, I agree with the other posters, you HAVE to be able to talk, and say how you feel, but maybe now you need to do it in an environment that feels safer.

Kiwigirl posted 1/28/2014 12:54 PM

Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. It isn't always easy to get online.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I always see so much wisdom and generosity of spirit here.

I think you all are right and maybe we need to get back into MC. It is just so expensive and I feel like we have gone over it all before and I am just banging my head against a brick wall.

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