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future plan

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SusanR posted 1/22/2014 07:44 AM

My WH keeps asking me how he can gain my trust back and I just don't know so I've switched gears.

I am trying to put together a plan that will allow us to stay married until the day I decide I can trust him or that I want out.

About the only way I see us together is if I have a well-thought out escape plan.

My initial thoughts are total separation, financially. It has taken a year to do that and it's still not complete. If he cheats again, I need to be able to pick up and go.

I would move back in but he would have to sleep in a different room. I will not risk getting herpes or something.

He will sign and notarize an admission of his infidelity so that it will not be necessary for me to prove it in court. We live in a no fault state but the distribution of assets and spousal support are often determined by the circumstances of the split and financial need.

He will sign off on a reasonable amount of spousal support so that we won't have to fight over it in court.

I don't want to 'control' him and I hope he will find ways to be more transparent with me but, I think the escape plan is all I can accept in lieu of divorce.

Thoughts? Ideas?

steadfast1973 posted 1/22/2014 09:57 AM

You should do a post-nup. It's an agreement in case a divorce happens, and it only needs to be notarized. You can put in spousal support, distribution of assets, etc.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:58 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 1/22/2014 10:20 AM

It sounds to me like you're trying to do 2 things, but your plan accomplishes only one.

The plan gives you some protection in case he cheats, and I imagine that gives you a sense of safety. That's important, and I applaud you for doing it.

He's responsible for building trust, though, and it's really hard (I think it's impossible) to speed that up. He builds trust with his actions over a long time. If he shows he's trustworthy, you'll give him your trust. If he doesn't, well, you'll just trust him to be unreliable.

My bet is that the new trust takes between 2-5 years to build ... which is probably the reason behind the famous SI rule of thumb: 2-5 years to recover.

steadfast1973 posted 1/22/2014 11:01 AM

In order to really commit to R, i needed to feel safe. That meant knowing i was okay, either way. If we R, great, if not, that's ok, too. A post nup helped me feel that safety. I'm no longer too scared of D. That fear of failing R sent me into conflict avoidance, and i let things slide that I shouldn't have.

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