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lovmyfamily5 posted 1/22/2014 10:47 AM

I have been with my husband for almost 14 years and married for almost 8. We have 3 beautiful children and have really worked quite hard to get where we are . Life has been difficult for many different reasons. I have anxiety issues, my husband has depression issues. We are college educated people that still struggle financially and it seems like life is a constant struggle. Somewhere in the midst of life my husband and I just forget about eachother. We stopped trying because we were so busy with other things. On top of this, my husband works nights; 6 pm til 6 am. So when he is working we don't see each other or talk to each other for DAYS.
We became disconnected. I was craving attention and someone to talk to so I turned to another man. It started as a friendship and then turned to more. An emotional affair. We met up several times and talked about our lives amongst other things. This man told me he wanted to have an affair with me. He told me that I was "hot" and beautiful. He said that he loved his wife and had no intention of leaving her, but he wanted a physical affair with me. We talked about it, we sent each other inappropriate text messages and even set up times and places to have sex. My husband found the text messages and is thinking the worst. Before my husband found out about this I had already decoded that I didnt want to be with this man. I had broken it off a few times, but we always ended up talking/texting again because I was still lonely and I liked the attention. My husband found out about a month ago and things have been very difficult since. We are in counseling and trying to repair our marriage but we are coming up against many challenges on the way. I love my husband our family, but we need to change our relationship if this is going to work. Our marriage was broken before my
affair started. There is so much more to tell...but we can save that for other posts!

Deeply Scared posted 1/22/2014 12:58 PM

lovmyfamily5...

Has all contact with the OM stopped? Have you written a NC letter yet?


I love my husband our family, but we need to change our relationship if this is going to work. Our marriage was broken before my
affair started.

Your marriage may other problems besides infidelity, however, those issues aren't the core reason you cheated.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:59 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

Aubrie posted 1/22/2014 13:03 PM

Our marriage was broken before my
affair started.
And most likely, you were broken before the marriage was broken.

Beware the danger of blaming your husband and your marriage for your cheating. That act was your choice and he had nothing to do with it.

Have you read the Healing Library? Yellow box to your left. Great place to start.

Welcome to SI.


WarpSpeed posted 1/22/2014 13:40 PM

Good first step.

I'm a BS and I would agree that my marriage was broken before her A started.

BUT . . . I didn't know it at the time. And, she never came to me and said "Our marriage is far less than it should be, let's work on it"

In our reconciliation and healing, we worked on healing ourselves and each other from the A first. And then work on the marriage came along later.

Folks are already saying this on this thread, but you're going to need to place healing, yours his and the marraiges, from the A at the top of the list of things to work on. If you guys can get through that, you'll be in a place where you can work on the marriage.

good luck and glad you're here

lovmyfamily5 posted 1/22/2014 23:59 PM

Deeply scared, yes all contact has been stopped. I sent the OM a text saying that our relationship is over and that I do not want to talk to or see him again. I know that my husband is not at all to blame for my actions I am responsible for my own actions. I understand that completely. But I am doing everything I can to show my husband that I love him and want to be with him. I even went as far as to go to the OM's place of employment to let them know that he was pursuing me while on duty. He is a police officer in our town. This was important to my husband so I did it for him and for US! I definitely have issues that I need to work on. There are things inside me that I need to fix. I want to get to the bottom of why I could have done something like this to someone that I love so much! I did tell him in the past that I was not happy, and we NEVER addressed or resolved that issue...which is part of the core problem...I feel guilty and ashamed at times. I love my husband...he is a good father and despite his faults, he would have never betrayed me the way I did him :-(

Deeply Scared posted 1/23/2014 18:47 PM

That's great!! Keep up with NC because honestly it's the only way to get past the affair.

I think you're headed in the right direction

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