Can anyone BTDT provide guidance about this? Is this the kind of situation where I need to give it more time and evaluate then and always?
I'm assuming, like my SAFWH, yours is saying all the right things to reassure you, doing all the things needed to win back your trust, etc. Nevertheless, the blow to self esteem, the basic undermining of our own view of our sexual attractiveness is deep and real. I know that it helps me when I maintain my weight, continue my feeble attempts to stay fit, etc. Of course I was younger and fit when the SA was at it's height so that reassurance is fleeting. It still helps on some level.
I'm afraid time is the best solution. However, I doubt if I will ever feel completely certain of him. I think he can stay sober, but on some level, I'll always feel that I am just the only game in town...
I hope you find peace with this.
Anyway, even though I am only a couple months out from Dday, I am glad that I had my babies to keep me here when I probably would have left. Because now I AM here for my husband, because I love him, he made a mistake, is remorseful, etc etc. and I am here for US.
Even if your husband is only here for the sake of your children at this point, if you both continue to heal together and create a better marriage, he will eventually be there because of you, and you will hopefully be glad that y'all got to that point, whether it was because of your kids or not!
When is this clear? It depends on the WS progress in their own discovery of the big question - why did they do what they did in the first place? How long did they let things go? How did they allow themselves to view the AP(s)? A WS fog is a very real state, and how long it takes to clear and escape is dependent upon the WS work they do on what drives their behavior.
For me, the explosion that was DD was enough for me to internally get how much I valued our M and our family. But getting to the point where I could honestly say I was here because it is where I know I belong and where my heart is fully invested took longer. Probably more like 4 or 5 months later for me.
In the end, there may be some questions you can ask to get why he's there. You can ask them in a non-threatening way and get a lot of clear answers. For example, "What do you value most in our M?". "What is it that I do that makes your life more complete?".
One other thought. For a period of time my BW and I had a Love Tip jar system. When one of us did something that we really appreciated or felt they showed love to us through an action, we wrote up what it was and put it in the jar. Every now and then we'd look at each others contributions and for me it helped to know what things I did that made my BW feel loved and vice versa. We haven't done them in quite a while (might not be bad to restart them just to see where we are in our life journey together). But they were very effective from what I experienced.