SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

womaninflux posted 1/22/2014 10:55 AM

One of the things I am struggling with at this point - a little less than 1 year out - is that I am not confident in my ability to figure out if SAWS is staying in the M for me or because of the family. After DD he first suggested we stay together for the dcs. I was adamant - and verbally expressed this - that I would not do this because I no longer wanted to be in a sexless marriage (which, by the way, was his choice - due to his porn addiction and other issues - not my choice. My mistake was putting up with it way too long). Now he seems to be in a better place mentally, remorseful, working on himself, etc. But I still don't feel confident he is here for himself and me vs. the kids. He constantly references "we had fun with the kids this weekend/we spent family time…" at the MC. I just wonder - and have asked this in MC - if this is what is going on inside of him.

Can anyone BTDT provide guidance about this? Is this the kind of situation where I need to give it more time and evaluate then and always?

steadfast1973 posted 1/22/2014 11:12 AM

I'm trying to... Not there quite yet. He seems to be trying to prove I am a priority to him, but we have a long history of me not being the priority to overcome.

lordhasaplan? posted 1/22/2014 11:17 AM

I guess it doesn't matter to me. If she is staying for whatever reason providing she is meeting my needs and sticking to our marital contract. I think if they are in it for other motives they really demonstrate with their actions the reasons they are in or out. Rarely can a person fake a lifetime of love for a partner they don't have feelings for. Nor can they fake a action oriented approach to feeding a relationship. If he's not responding to your needs and continuing to grow your marriage, then I don't care the motivation, its not correct and I wouldn't tolerate it.

heartbrokeninaz posted 1/22/2014 11:47 AM

I know mine is not staying for our DS only. He told me that point blank. He also said that he does not see a benefit to a family who stays together only for the kids. They know you are fighting, they know when a parent is hurt. So why live like that? Maybe its time to ask? Is he staying for the kids now or because he wants to be with you?

Lionne posted 1/22/2014 14:32 PM

I hear you. I struggle with this, too. How do we, especially wives of serial cheaters/SAs, know that WE are the desired women when we weren't for so long? My SAFWH choose women that were my polar opposite in all ways, especially physically, were much younger in most cases, all while rejecting me in the most vicious way he could.

I'm assuming, like my SAFWH, yours is saying all the right things to reassure you, doing all the things needed to win back your trust, etc. Nevertheless, the blow to self esteem, the basic undermining of our own view of our sexual attractiveness is deep and real. I know that it helps me when I maintain my weight, continue my feeble attempts to stay fit, etc. Of course I was younger and fit when the SA was at it's height so that reassurance is fleeting. It still helps on some level.

I'm afraid time is the best solution. However, I doubt if I will ever feel completely certain of him. I think he can stay sober, but on some level, I'll always feel that I am just the only game in town...

I hope you find peace with this.

JustSoSad42 posted 1/22/2014 14:51 PM

We are kind of in the opposite boat, where sometimes my WH thinks I am only here for the kids. He knows that in the beginning, just after finding out, I didn't pack up all my sh*t and get the heck out simply to avoid disrupting our kids' lives. They are very young.

Anyway, even though I am only a couple months out from Dday, I am glad that I had my babies to keep me here when I probably would have left. Because now I AM here for my husband, because I love him, he made a mistake, is remorseful, etc etc. and I am here for US.

Even if your husband is only here for the sake of your children at this point, if you both continue to heal together and create a better marriage, he will eventually be there because of you, and you will hopefully be glad that y'all got to that point, whether it was because of your kids or not!

Listeningclosely posted 1/22/2014 14:54 PM

As a FWH now 6+ years out from DD, I can tell you that a few factors come into play here. First, the real question that requires an answer is whether your SAWS is therefor themselves. In short, is the M what they truly want. If they want it for anyone else - their BS, family, keeping up appearances - they will likely cave again. The M needs to once again become something they cherish themselves, so they will protect it with all they have.

When is this clear? It depends on the WS progress in their own discovery of the big question - why did they do what they did in the first place? How long did they let things go? How did they allow themselves to view the AP(s)? A WS fog is a very real state, and how long it takes to clear and escape is dependent upon the WS work they do on what drives their behavior.

For me, the explosion that was DD was enough for me to internally get how much I valued our M and our family. But getting to the point where I could honestly say I was here because it is where I know I belong and where my heart is fully invested took longer. Probably more like 4 or 5 months later for me.

In the end, there may be some questions you can ask to get why he's there. You can ask them in a non-threatening way and get a lot of clear answers. For example, "What do you value most in our M?". "What is it that I do that makes your life more complete?".

One other thought. For a period of time my BW and I had a Love Tip jar system. When one of us did something that we really appreciated or felt they showed love to us through an action, we wrote up what it was and put it in the jar. Every now and then we'd look at each others contributions and for me it helped to know what things I did that made my BW feel loved and vice versa. We haven't done them in quite a while (might not be bad to restart them just to see where we are in our life journey together). But they were very effective from what I experienced.