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Athassrd posted 1/22/2014 11:28 AM

This is my first post. I'm hoping it proves to be therapeutic because I really need to scream. Actually, I tried that and now have a sore throat and no voice.

Realized WS was hiding phone calls, emails and texts. Called him on it and he said it was done. He then downloaded several new apps to his tablet that were used for texting and emailing. Found out A was still ongoing. Called him on it again.

Without me asking, he sent a NC. Who knows if she'll abide by it. He asked me to not contact the OW. Part of me wants to but thats just the angry part.

We work together so I see him all the time. We've been married almost 25 years and have two grown kids.

Does the hurt/anger ever get easier? How do I decide if we should split? How do I keep focused?

TheClimb posted 1/22/2014 11:43 AM

Sorry you are hurting. I wanted so bad to destroy something, anything. I'm sure this is just a normal response to dealing with something in which you feel little control. But, you have more control then you think.

Many here don't recommend calling the OW because so often they are broken and self-centered and only further hurt us. Before I found SI, I called the nasty bitch. I didn't tell or ask permission from my WH either. Tough shit if he didn't like it; I didn't like him fucking her and no one gave me a choice in that matter either. It is off the top bullshit that they still feel like they can tell us what to do.

Anyway, I called her and asked her what her plans were with my husband. She said she didn't know but told me what they had was "special" and much, much more than sex. She also told me that my marriage was over. Big freakin news to me. I told her that he was still living in our home and sleeping in my bed and that if the marriage was over he could pack his shit and leave. She was shocked, "shocked" to find out we were still having sex. So I told her, yeah we've both been sloppy seconds. Then the stupid whore got scared. Scared that I was going to tell her college age daughters, or her boss. Begged me not to while STILL CALLING MY HUSBAND. Like I said, they are broken!

Call her if you want to. Better yet, if she has a husband, call him! Don't tell your husband anything about this as he will still try to protect her. That is what he is doing now, protecting her from his wife. Piece of shit!!!

Check out the 180 in the Healing Library. Read up on those of us (me, me) who tried to nice them back and were rewarded with DD #2. You have got to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. They just don't seem to "get it".

You are going to be fine, with or without him. Scream away if it makes you feel better. Keep posting here, it really does help to see that others have been where you are standing right now.

caregiver9000 posted 1/22/2014 11:51 AM

Does the hurt/anger ever get easier?

Yes. Time helps. If new hurts don't reopen the wound, then time does help.

How do I decide if we should split?

Give yourself time. You don't have to decide that right now. Taking the pressure off to make a decision made me feel immediately less anxious. So set a time frame, say 6 months where you aren't going to make any decisions. Do, however, protect yourself immediately financially.

How do I keep focused?

I made lists. Lists of everything like set the alarm, take a shower, drive kids to school.

Also, be kind to yourself. This is a trauma. Don't try to do too much. Don't have unrealistic expectations. Reach out to someone in real life and let people know what you need.

Athassrd posted 1/22/2014 13:25 PM

I have read a large number of articles and many of the other posts. Please tell me what you mean by the 180???

ascian posted 1/22/2014 13:37 PM

I've bumped a few threads for some of the new people here. Basically, though, the 180 is a tool for helping you to feel stronger and to establish yourself independently of your wayward spouse. Discovering an affair, in many cases, makes you feel week or feel a real loss of power. The 180, when used right, can help combat that loss.

One thing to keep in mind about the 180 is that it's not a tool to:

1) Repair your marriage. The 180 is about you and you alone. Sometimes it does draw a wayward spouse back, possibly because people tend to be attracted to strength, but that's not the purpose of it.

2) Punish your spouse. Though it may seem like it's a tool for punishing them, by distancing yourself, the 180 is not "the cold shoulder." The distance is simply something that most betrayed spouses need in order to be able to see and develop their own strength.

norabird posted 1/22/2014 14:14 PM

What is the WH's attitude about all this?

And scream away if you need to :)

[This message edited by norabird at 2:14 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

Pippy posted 1/22/2014 14:25 PM

The 180 is found in the Healing Library (upper left corner) under BS FAQs #11. It is to help strengthen you and it works.

damaged71 posted 1/22/2014 14:34 PM

How do you know the NC letter was sent? Did he tell you or did you drop it in the mail?

Sounds like he is trying to keep you and the OW separated so you can't ask her anything directly.

Count on him to be lying to you for a while. It's a hard habit for a wayward to break. They always want to "cake eat".

I'm sorry, this stuff hurts.

Athassrd posted 1/22/2014 15:20 PM

In order....

WH's attitude? Goes from contrite to angry. He got angry when I told him he was sleeping in the guest room. And there he'll stay until I decide how to move forward. He's not used to me saying "no" to him - about anything. THAT is change #1.

I think I need to examine who I have become through all these years. I never ask for anything and have always put my family first. Lotta good that did me, eh?

I think what is scaring him the most is that I am quiet. I am not screaming at him (I scream in my car on the way to work) or crying. I am giving him the information he needs and no more.

Thanks for the 180 information - that will be my next stop.

NC Letter - was actually an email and he cc'd me on it. That was before I even knew about a NC letter. Will she respond? I don't know but have a feeling she will.

I really am not sure if I want to talk to her. I might be afraid it will make it too real.

Thanks for the advice on the habit of lying. You hit the nail on the head - he habitually tells 1/2 truths about even simple things. So big things are no stretch for him.

Another question but I think I know the answer - am I being deceitful if I continue to monitor his email and phone???

Blobette posted 1/22/2014 15:32 PM

No, you are not being deceitful. You trusted your WH, and he betrayed that trust in the worst possible way. He now needs to earn trust back. Part of that is being utterly transparent and being willing to do anything to earn your trust back. That means he gets no privacy. This is a common requirement for reconciliation: being pissy about sharing passwords, etc is a sign that they're still in an entitled, wayward mindset, that they're not willing to do the work to earn your trust. You will be hyperviligant for a while -- that is 100% normal. You have to do what you need to do to feel safe. It's his fault you're now in this state.

Trust, but verify.

Skan posted 1/22/2014 16:11 PM

Hey there, welcome.

Married people should have no secrets between them. Privacy, yes. You shut the bathroom door for privacy while you're doing what everyone in the house knows you're doing. It's not secret, it's private.

Your WH has been keeping secrets from you. Big, life-altering secrets that have repercussions far beyond the two of you. He's been keeping you ignorant while he runs around and commits adultery. He's lost his right to any secrecy or privacy.

You deserve to be able to look through any of his electronic devices and social media at any time you want to. You should have passwords for all of those items. If he wants a chance in hell to try to stay married to you, he needs to live his life like an open book. No secrets at all. None. I still check up on my FWH. And I cannot think of a time when I will not. It's not as frequent days may go by. But those passwords are still on the first page of his computer and if I need to look, I have the right to.

You do what you need to do to get to the bottom of your betrayal. He didn't ask you when he went out looking for a Ho. You don't need to ask him if you can look at the devices that he used to betray you. That's your right.

StillStanding1 posted 1/23/2014 09:01 AM

Of course you are raw right now. The hurt is devastating and traumatic. The person you've built a life with and trusted has shattered all your feelings of security, trust, and belief in faithful love. That hurt will be around for a LONG time.

But you will get better. For now, be good to yourself. Good that you are reading. I find reading helped me understand so much and stop blaming myself. Keep posting here. We've got your back. You will get lots of great advice and support. The people here have seen these same stories play out OVER and OVER and OVER again. They can help you navigate the process and avoid the extra painful pitfalls.


Putto posted 1/23/2014 13:41 PM

It gets easier.

Raw is the perfect adjective for how you're feeling. Your skin has been removed. There's nothing left protecting you from the reality that is your life and its difficult to believe.

But I promise it does get easier.

I know exactly how you're feeling, multiple ddays, hidden contact. Sometimes it feels like the room is spinning because it is so overwhelming. Its important to remember that everything you are feeling is normal and you're not crazy. There is nothing wrong with you. If you want to try screaming again, go for it.

I think the general consensus of opinion here is that contacting the OW will do you more harm than good, but is there a reason that he specifically asked you not to?

Another question but I think I know the answer - am I being deceitful if I continue to monitor his email and phone???

Absolutely not! This is also normal. And imperative to your rebuilding of trust. Trust is earned. You don't decide one day to just shut your eyes and trust him. It just doesn't work that way.

It was explained to me once that trust is like a bank account. He has withdrawn the balance to a negative number and now can only return the balance to positive by depositing small amounts. Checking in with you, being honest about his feelings, allowing you to keep tabs on the ways he used to trick you. Continuing to monitor him will only contribute to that.

Finding out that you have been betrayed is a trauma like any other. It will require lots of time for healing, here will be bad days. But I promise it gets easier.

Athassrd posted 1/23/2014 14:19 PM

Today is an "I can't breathe day." I finally broke down and went to the Dr. and got something that will hopefully allow me to focus on something else.

I'm trying to be proactive - I made an appointment with an attorney to ask questions and get some guidance on protecting myself. WS is the ultimate lier - and has lied in the past about money.

Thanks for having my back - I feel like I can be honest here. I don't really want to talk about this with my best friend - she's not been through it.

And this is a trauma. I didn't look at it that way until someone here mentioned it. Years ago I suffered from PTSD after the OKC bombing (I was a rescue worker) and I am experiencing a lot of the same symptoms - headache, inability to sleep, crying at the drop of a hat, not wanting to be around people. It took a long time and some good drugs ot get through that - so at least I have an idea what I'm in for.

I'll keep reading and posting and putting one foot in front of the other. At some point I'll even try to wear mascara again.

caregiver9000 posted 1/23/2014 16:46 PM

You are wise to know that someone who hasn't been through it really doesn't have a frame of reference. I know that the responses (even the well meaning ones) from friends who "didn't get it" could be hurtful.

I am sorry you suffered from PTSD before, but knowing what you face, may be reassuring to some degree.

(((hugs))) for the I can't breathe day. But, the mascara comment makes me feel like you are made of the right kind of stuff to heal and bounce back. A realistic outlook, with a bit of humor. You'll be ok. I feel sure.

Athassrd posted 1/23/2014 16:51 PM

Thanks for the hug CareGiver. Can never have too many.

Getting to Happy posted 1/23/2014 17:24 PM

He asked me to not contact the OW. Part of me wants to but thats just the angry part.

No, that's the smart part. Expose this betrayal. Quietly figure out who her husband is and send him all the info you have on their trysts. Don't alert your WH! That is rule one.

Sorta bugs me that he told you not to contact his whore. Kinda makes me think that he is protecting her. Not a good sign...

Be selective in your outing...but this is the best way to extinguish the 'special lurrrve' they had is to shed some sunlight on this shitty mess!

Implement the 180 to give yourself some time and space to begin to heal. It's for you.

Athassrd posted 1/23/2014 18:15 PM

Okay - I have a question on posting and a question that is niggling my poor tired brain.

Posting - do I just continue this thread when I have something to say until something new comes up?

Niggling question - I know that he had an Emotional affair. But is that actually considered adultery? I feel like it is but how do I explain it to WH why it is?

caregiver9000 posted 1/23/2014 18:23 PM

Your choice on how to post. I have seen it done both ways. If your post has an audience and you are getting the responses you need/want, there is nothing wrong with a continuing thread. But if you have a whole new topic and want to change the thread topic you might get new readers and responses. How's that for a non answer?

Emotional affairs are affairs because they take time and energy and investment OUT of the marriage and place it somewhere else. Also, if it was a secret then ??? how is appropriate?

Athassrd posted 1/26/2014 19:11 PM

We are currently living in the same house but in different beds. And after this weekend, I'm pretty sure that he is still in contact after the NC. I went to look at Investigative Tips but I have to have 51 posts.

I'm hoping someone can tell me the pitfalls of a software on his phone. I've looked into several. It's never out of his control.

I am really working the 180.

Advice, please???

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