I took your words and I believed
Totally fear--of what he has to reveal to the counselor, of what the counselor would tell him about himself and about the hard work he would have to do to fix this. He is avoiding the consequences of his actions.
^^THIS^^. I can so relate. My last DD was 3 yrs ago.
MY WH refused counseling for 4 years. Two years ago he agreed to go to a porn addiction class/group. He worked a lot on FOO issues and it still took a year for him to admit he was an addict and his issues stemmed from childhood FOO abuse and abandonment.
He really liked the counselor that headed the group and started to have IC about 8 months ago. He just barely agreed to MC with same counselor.
IMO, a lot of people cheat in order to avoid facing their pain. They avoid C for the same reason - if they're honest in C, they have to face their pain.
But if they don't face it, they're at high risk for betraying someone again.
I think C for the WS needs to be an absolute requirement for R. JMO, of course
IC told him that he is more afraid of committing and failing then not committing and failing. WH was told that FEAR affects almost every area of his life.
If he hadn't started working on himself, I was prepared to divorce him because he had no remorse, was defensive and had kept referring to his infidelities as "inappropriate behavior". During this time, I also was in the group, as a spouse of a porn addict, and really worked on my healing.
WH still has a lot of fear and is VERY SLOW in processing what he needs to do to save our marriage. Even though he has started to 'get it', I don't know how far or how fast he will progress. I've got my ducks in a row, am no longer afraid of being on my own and will divorce him if he doesn't keep progressing.
In everything you said to me
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?......Pink
BS(me) 59...STBXSAWH 59
Married 40 yrs/4 grown children, 5 grandchildren
DD's-1st on 10/75, now too many too count.