The other night, I was asking my H for details...he was answering them. And since I was getting responses without hesitation or defenses, I kept asking more questions...and then more...at a certain point, I thought "Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you torturing yourself? Why are you now asking about the specific sexual acts and what it felt like? If toys were used? If lights were on? The length of time it took? If she was good at certain things? Etc."
Part of me thinks that I just want to make sure my H can admit those shameful "secrets" to me, as a part of R and being transparent. He's not gloating as he says it...he rattles it off quite clinically, but then I think--"Dammit! He remembers every detail, he must miss it! Or thinks about it all the time." And yet if he said he forgot a detail, I'd get mad and say "How can you forget the details of your affair, it just happened? You just don't want to tell me. You want to keep that as a secret with her. You're protecting her." So I'm in a no win situation and place him in that too. And yet we both desperately want to reconcile.
I want to know the details, yes, but once I know them, I can't unknow them and by nature of what happened, they are very painful, hurtful, scarring details. I don't think NOT knowing them is a healthy thing either, because then my imagination will run wild with kinky scenarios and I'll give her more power than she deserves.
Why do we do this to ourselves and how do you deal with wanting to know but not wanting to know? Is any of this beneficial to R?
But ya, it's a catch 22. Need it. Want it. Hate it.
It's very hard and I definitely need time to process the answers but in the end it feels better (for me). Recently I asked about one of his AP and how he felt about her ("love" was never involved for any of them), he said she was so pretty that he was very attracted to her (he followed it with negative stuff about her) and that hurt. She actually is prettier than me. And thinner. And cooler. Buuut... When the hurt died down I remembered that she's also way more broken and she's fake. Looks fade, bodies sag, but I'll be awesome forever!
For example, knowing the position they were in allows me to just not do that, so I don't spend all of our sex life wondering if he did this or that with her (It was a ONS, very uneventful sex, one position.) It helps me to some degree, but at the same time, hearing him say it out loud was just like a punch in the face with the reality that, yes, my husband had sex with another woman and here is exactly how he did it. Gross.
It's all just the worst. Neither way is good!
For me sex wasn't as much a concern. I was more worried about where his heart was. Anyone can have sex IMO. I needed to know she didn't have his heart.
I didn't need to compete in the bedroom with her and I am sure she would have done whatever she could sexually to keep him.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:49 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]
So I will repeat back and ask a question, such as "From what I understand the initial penetration was without protection. Can you tell me what made you think of using protection? Why didn't you take protection as you knew that you were meeting?", "If you assumed she had protection then must have assumed she had a busier sex life than just you?", "So to be clear, you didn't ask about STD's but assumed she had an active sex life? Huh, if you feel she sleeps around, why wouldn't you protect yourself from the other married and single men? Don't you think that is a bit gross?", "Okay, since you did not ask about STD's, have you ever seen any cold sores on her lips? I am assuming since you exposed me and your family to STDs, you also thought about oral herpes?" "No, well, since you work together, I am assuming you will tell me if she has a break out on her lips in the next few months?"
The list goes on and on. I think he sees it in a much different light. What was a first "fun, secretive, and exciting" now just seems immature and disgusting to him.
Also, what helps is that I told him that he had to "throw me a bone" and tell me what wasn't great. I will admit it helps to hear that she had a fat roll and he expected her to be in better shape, she had shaved and was all stubbly down there, and also that she was way too short, so it was strange. Now obviously, none of those stopped him, but at least he realized this wasn't "fantasy sex" where everything and the COW were perfect.
We got it all on the table right away, which I am thankful for, as it is does soften with time. And I haven't asked a question about that in a month, so that is progress! Even when I typed it out today, I laughed at my oral herpes question and WS looking for it on her lips, whereas, I am sure I would have been crying a few months ago.
Gotmegood - Yeah, it is sad all the terms, abbreviations, and this world we are now all too familiar with due to the A.
[This message edited by ILINIA at 5:24 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]