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MercifulH posted 1/22/2014 17:20 PM

First here is the story of the affair. Just confirmed everything about 3 weeks ago.

So in May of 2012, I found condoms in her purse when she came home from a friend's house. We had just gotten married a month ago and I was devastated. She swore nothing happened and told me they were from years ago when we used to use protection. I looked at the expiration date and determined she was lying to me. She then said she was covering for him having an affair with another woman. I didn't believe it and she ended up staying with a girlfriend for 3 days while I figured out what I was going to do. I decided to give her another chance and she kept to her story that nothing happened, I still didn't really believe her, but without being absolutely sure, and the fact that I still loved her, I decided to stay together. Neither of us sought help, or researched this or anything. Fast forward to today, I had been thinking about this every day for the past year and a half. Every time we made love, I could only think of her and him and it was tearing me apart. The term I am seeing used on these forums is DDay. So this DDay was Jan 3. It got to be too much. I couldn't take it. I had planned on confronting her next time I came home but couldn't wait. I instant messaged her and decided I would give her one last chance to confess everything. I did not tell her at the time, but I was planning on divorcing her. I had gone online and started filling out a petition for separation. I pressed her about the incident one and a half years ago very hard because I needed the truth. She finally admitted to it but continued to lie about all the other times. She swore it was that one time only and never any others, she also was lying about details leading up to it, and surrounding it. Over the next few days she revealed little by little about it, with much pressing from me. I will say in the beginning, I was very emotional and would switch from rage to despair in the snap of a finger, so I might have been difficult to talk to. I keep trying to convince her that it is safe to tell me these things but it seems like she is afraid that if she tells me, I am just going to leave. I have forgiven her, and by that I mean that I am not going to seek to get even with her for what she did, but this is not a free pass to continue doing it. It seems like no matter what I say to make her feel comfortable telling me things, she withholds information because she deems it too hurtful. I did manage to get from her that she was seeing this guy for at least 3 years and probably closer to 4 years throughout our relationship. She swears she only saw him one time since we were married, but that story might change soon too. She has written him a No contact letter as the articles we were reading suggested that, and we also told his wife about everything, as that was also suggested. In the beginning I was convinced I was going to divorce her but she is begging me to work with her and I have promised to do try and work through this. I am concerned however, that she isn't so much concerned about our marriage, but family's opinion of her if she were to be divorced due to having an affair.

My wife has agreed to IC and we are starting MC next week. I have agreed to try R. She seems geniunely remorseful.

Now here is my predicament. The friend my wife stayed with for 3 days back in May 2012 talked to me at the time and actively tried to convince me to stay with her. She told me about how OM is a womanizer and even tried something on her thought she turned him down. This friend of my wife's happens to be OM's wife's best friend and good friends with OM. When My wife and I emailed OM's wife about the affair, I mentioned two other women I knew of, and I also mentioned that he tried something on her best friend. However, she told OM's wife that he had never tried anything on her and never even insinuated sex. So she either lied to me back then, or she is lying to OM's wife now. She told us she "cleared up everything on her end". OM is saying that my wife is lying about everything and I am pretty sure this "friend" is taking his side and telling OM's wife that we are lying. Me and my wife talked about it for a bit, and we recalled back when we used to go over to her place to hang out and go swimming (OM's wife rarely came with) that she would sometimes call us and ask us to wait a few hours before coming over. Whenever we got there, OM was always there before anybody else. But I'm sure they were just watching movies right? At first, I told my wife that this friend is not a friend of our marriage because she is lying. I then said if she decides to patch things up, I will support her, but she knows my feelings on the matter. It bothers me that OM is just lying about this and that his wife's best friend appears to be on his side feeding the lie. Do I tell OM's wife about the swimming hangouts or do I just leave it alone for them to figure out? Part of me really wants to see OM's house of cards come falling down, but part of me is wondering if this is any of my business anymore.

Thanks in advance for your support.

[This message edited by MercifulH at 5:23 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

RealityStinks posted 1/22/2014 18:26 PM

Brother, you have enough problems of your own at home. You need to kick all those people out of your life AND your WW's life. Let them sink their own ship.

To emphasize, absolutely NO to your WW continuing her friendship with this other woman. Doesn't seem like the kind of person that would dissuade your WW from cheating again does it? You don't need that kind of person in your life in any form.

Hang in there man.

Skan posted 1/22/2014 18:45 PM

^^^ Bingo. Not one of these people are friends of your marriage. Boot them all out of your life. What you and your WW need right now are hard and fast boundaries, and the OM and that "friend" have absolutely none.

BTW, I would not cancel the divorce papers. Let them lay where they are. Unless your WW decides to tell you everything, without censoring anything, then she is still lying to you and is still protecting the OM over you. You just may need them.

Brandon808 posted 1/22/2014 18:50 PM

The OM isn't your main problem.

Your story reminds me of my own. My xww denied, denied, denied. I allowed the denials to stand because I mistook it for devotion to me. It was not. She simply did not want to deal with the consequences of her actions or lose the support the M provided her.

Your WW has not come fully clean with you. She has been unfaithful basically your entire relationship. She is continuing to put her self-protection above your healing.
From my perspective you need to resolve this once and for all. Since she has TT you so much and lied to you for so long I advise scheduling a polygraph. This needs to come first.

Daddo posted 1/22/2014 18:54 PM

Your wife cheated and lied to you throughout your relationship - before and after marriage. If you don't have children, you should divorce her. She is a disaster. She must have some great qualities - but you are better off without her.

If you have children - then you should take a year to see how you feel. During that time her life will have to be an open book and she must tell you all details - as often as you need to hear them. You should follow the 180 rules - find them in the FAQ section of this web site. It will give you some great guidance on how to act during this time.

But seriously, if there are no kids, bail.

Dare2Trust posted 1/22/2014 19:52 PM

MercifulH,

I agree with the other posters regarding your question: "What to do about wife's friend."
This so-called "friend" is not a FRIEND OF YOUR MARRIAGE....she has proven she's a LIAR; and that she will protect the OM over you.
SO: This "friend"...and the OM's WIFE must be eliminated from your wife's circle of friends.

If your wife doesn't agree to drop these two women...then any hope for your marriage is doomed, because OM will remain in the picture; and there's no hope of TRUE NO CONTACT WITH OM.

As for your wife's "story" about her affair:
My opinion: You only have a PART OF THE STORY...and you wife must stop the lies, and be totally honest with you.
You also must remember:
---Your cheating wife did not come to you and "confess" because she felt guilty: YOU CAUGHT HER - and even then: She lied, and lied to you.
---SO, you need to protect yourself until you feel: YOU DO HAVE SOME BASIC TRUTHS from her.
I doubt seriously if you have "confirmed everything about her adulterous affair."

First here is the story of the affair. Just confirmed everything about 3 weeks ago.

This statement by you seems more correct:

but that story might change soon too

Good luck with the counseling...and continue to post. You will find lots of caring support here.

ZedLeppelin posted 1/22/2014 22:24 PM

If you do not have children, divorce and move on with your life.

This may sound extreme but you should still be in the "honeymoon" phase of your marriage. Already you have major problems. What happens 5 years from now when you have kids, debt etc. ?!?!

She lied to you and conned you into staying in the relationship. You gave her opportunity after opportunity to come clean and she didn't. Divorce this selfish WS and find yourself someone who actually wants to be with you.

Get yourself checked out for STDs as well.

MercifulH posted 1/23/2014 08:11 AM

Thank you everyone. I hear everyone who is saying to just divorce and move on, believe me I do. It's still on the table and I have made her aware of this fact. I want to give this a chance. It doesn't look promising, but I do not want to have any regrets. I recently took a job that requires me to travel for weeks at a time, so know that I am not spending all my time with her. I have taken a step back and looked at everything objectively. I have laid down the law of what I expect, and what the deal breakers are. She has agreed. She has fought me on some things, like ending things with this friend and I told her last night that this has to happen. I told her I am sick of forcing her to do the right thing and I'm not going to do it anymore. I still want to go to the MC. Yes, I know divorce seems like a very viable option at this point, but like I said, I want to have no regrets. I want to look back and say I did everything I could. I am still considering the polygraph. At this point I am leaning toward a polygraph being absolutely necessary. I told her in the beginning that I was going to set up an appointment for a polygraph and she agreed to go, but even since then I have caught her lying to me. I didn't set up the appointment, only asked for some information on it, but now I think I am going to.

Edit: I have decided to not confront this friend. I will leave her, OM, and OM's wife to sail their own dysfunctional ship. I have blocked her and left it up to my wife to tell her. She said she will end everything with her. She is very afraid of this "friend" spreading information about us, another thing I told her I am sick of. I really could care less what people think of us. She seemed like she was still protecting herself, but if she goes through with this it will be a big step. We have been talking a lot for the last 3 weeks. Let's just say we have a lot of things to talk to the counselor about and a lot of these things are not related to the affair.

[This message edited by MercifulH at 10:17 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

MercifulH posted 1/25/2014 10:41 AM

Well, I have decided today that my WW is not going to change. I caught her in more lies and deceit. She wrote a NC to this "friend" but then went behind my back and emailed her from her work email saying that she is only doing this because I asked her to, and that she can't talk to her through her webmail or text because I monitor them. Looks like she is never going to change and is only looking out for her own interests. I don't why I thought it was possible to rebuild a relationship as fucked up as this. I was a fool to think someone who was capable of having an affair before, and after we got married could have even a shred of a possibility of changing her ways.

Drafting up divorce papers.

Chippednotbroken posted 1/25/2014 10:51 AM

Sorry. Good for you, I have often read:they have shown us who they are and what they think of us, it's time we start believing them.
Good luck to you! Cheers to freedom!

jb3199 posted 1/25/2014 10:57 AM

Sorry, friend.

She is showing you where her loyalties lie, and regretfully, they are currently not with you. If you look back on your entire relationship, you may never have been the first priority in her life.

Follow through on the divorce path. I almost always recommend this. If, by some miracle, your WW pulls her head out of her ass, you can always stop the proceedings. But if she doesn't...and it doesn't look likely that she will...then you are that much further toward removing yourself from this toxic environment.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Merlin posted 1/25/2014 11:03 AM

Enablers, all of them, have to go.

MercifulH posted 1/25/2014 11:49 AM

I feel like such an idiot. I actually thought things were getting better. It really felt like I might be able to get through this...

Nitrobob posted 1/27/2014 20:01 PM

I feel your pain brother. But you are young and no kids. You have plenty of time to find someone new. I know this is an assault on your self esteem. I still feel like trash myself. What helps me is to remember that even movie stars, handsome rich movie stars, get cheated on! It's part of life. Sorry.

[This message edited by Nitrobob at 8:02 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

kalimata posted 1/28/2014 13:17 PM

Dear Merciful: Sorry to hear your story. You need to have this house of cards fall down upon OM as hard a possible. He is a POS and clearly has no value for your WW.

You need to out the OM to OMW and every other friend that you can think of. He is slime and deserves to be posted on Cheaterville.

keptmyword posted 1/28/2014 14:05 PM

MercifulH,

I know your story. I know how it is to deal with a wayward wife's shitty friends.

Look, believe it or not, she has done you a tremendous favor. Or rather, you were extremely fortunate to find out about this so early in your marriage. You don't know just how fortunate you are right now.

Think of the incredible pain you feel right now. The extreme roller-coaster of emotions.

Now, imagine you have young children involved.

Multiply that pain by 100. The pain, the fear, the uncertainty, the anger, and the loss you feel for your children is something that was almost unbearable for me. Children, by far, get the worst of adultery. They lose their family, they lose their foundation, they lose trust, and they lose faith in the very people that they had the most faith in. It effects them for the rest of their lives. The effects will be there when they are old and frail. It will effect their relationships and marriages.

You don't have to deal with that.

And that my friend, is fucking good.

Would you really want this woman to be the mother of your children? A proven liar, deceiver, and backstabber? Fuck. No.

There is no safety for children in that.

Flush this worthless, traitorous piece of shit down the toilet with the serving of a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage - and follow through with it with steely determination and resolve.

Crash over all this dysfunctional crowd and their bullshit like a freight train and let them watch you continue down the tracks until you disappear from sight.

As you continue down your tracks you will look back one day and see nothing but a toxic group of dysfunctionals who deserve nothing more than an appearance on the Jerry Springer show.

Trust me, their ARE better people in the world than those who would do such a thing as your "wife" did.