Me - WW 40
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09
You got your one session, it's an interview for her to see where you truly are. It is of course her call, but you have a shot. Be ready and at the very least you can tip the scales in your favor.
As long as you both want to R and YOU are truthful and completely NC with the AP, my experience is that it can be helpful to do both at the same time. Our MC and our ICs all had signed agreements that said that they could talk to each other if needed, and share notes. I don't know that they ever did, but it was in place in case.
IMO, it's when one partner has no intention of being open and truthful that MC is a complete waste of time.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
What my wife and in-laws have communicated to me is that the communication problems that exist between she and I are from my side, and that she goes out of her way to communicate things to me in a way that I will understand. That's a very valid point, and I'm afraid that my desire to do MC came across as blame-shifting. I intend to wait until she's comfortable with it.
My IC stated that she felt it was important for us to attend MC together because it would promote us healing together, as a couple, as well as individually. I think she was right and we started MC a couple months after dday. We each had our own IC and then our MC. I think it is a good idea not to use IC as MC.
Suggesting MC is not blame shifting.
Suggesting MC is a valid and responsible way for you to address your different styles of communication. A good MC will help communication issues immensely. Ours pointed out some really helpful points for us, such as my "pacing" issues - I think and talk very quickly, and expect my WS to express himself as quickly as I do.
After reading some of your posts, I personally think that finding a good MC would be very helpful for you and your BW. I think it's great you are going to IC, but that can only help you with your issues. MC helps the marriage - or a good one does, anyway.
I do find it troubling how much influence your inlaws have in your relationship. I think it would be very helpful for you to both have someone to talk to who isn't your inlaws or your daughters to help you sort through some of these issues. I don't believe that it is your relative's place to talk to you about your communication problems with your BW, but that is JMO.
Suggesting MC is not blame shifting.
It is if you believe your spouse, or problems in your marriage pre-A, contributed to your choice to have an affair. Until the WS clears that hurdle, IMO MC is a waste of time, unless the BS is the one insisting on MC.
I feel it's very needed, but should I leave that determination to her?
Uh....yeah! You should. What's the alternative? Drag her there? Threaten D if she doesn't go?
Let's let BW have a turn at determining what's needed for the M, shall we? You haven't exactly exercised the greatest judgment in that department. None of us (WS) did.
Since then, we continue to have weekly MC. A few weeks ago I asked the counselor whether we should have additional IC sessions, and she felt that there were too many issues in the marriage that needed to be addressed first (scary to hear that!).
If WH is out-of-town, I will still attend the weekly session as IC. And of course, either of us can request IC any time that we want. I'll have my 3rd individual session next week, and I need it!!
So yes, she has reason to be worried. In my case a "bad" MC did a lot more damage than good, but obviously a good MC would be... great I'm sure! If she's on SI she's bound to have heard some horror stories and be scared.
I would approach it with her tenderly and with compassion.