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MC During IC?

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Tesseract posted 1/22/2014 17:43 PM

My IC and some of the respondents in my other thread have said that my wife and I should be in MC. My wife has agreed to attend a session with me at my insistence, but seems reluctant. She says that the common consensus is that MC will only cause damage if we try to do it before I'm in a more self-aware (I guess?) place. I'm not sure I understand. What are the experiences that people have had with this? How do I know when I'm sufficiently far along to try for MC? I feel it's very needed, but should I leave that determination to her?

pizzalover posted 1/22/2014 18:35 PM

My BH and I are in MC and also go to IC. It helps a lot. We go to MC once a week, and he goes to IC once a week while I go twice. Hope this helps.

nevergiveup10 posted 1/22/2014 19:25 PM

I think what she is trying to say is that she doesn't feel you have gotten in touch with the true faults, emotions, etc. that drove you to your A. For MC to be successful, you have to be 100% open, honest and open to whatever your BS or counselor has to say and rather than be defensive, listen and reflect. When my BS was ready for MC, I was ready but once we started I realized I wasn't truly ready when I wanted to start MC a couple months prior.

You got your one session, it's an interview for her to see where you truly are. It is of course her call, but you have a shot. Be ready and at the very least you can tip the scales in your favor.

Good Luck

Skan posted 1/22/2014 20:42 PM

My FWH and I actually saw our MC before either of us saw an IC. He recommended IC for both of us.

As long as you both want to R and YOU are truthful and completely NC with the AP, my experience is that it can be helpful to do both at the same time. Our MC and our ICs all had signed agreements that said that they could talk to each other if needed, and share notes. I don't know that they ever did, but it was in place in case.

IMO, it's when one partner has no intention of being open and truthful that MC is a complete waste of time.

Tesseract posted 1/24/2014 01:54 AM

She's accompanying me to the next session to give her perspective to my IC (at his request) regarding the situation we're currently facing. I hope it helps. What my wife and in-laws have communicated to me is that the communication problems that exist between she and I are from my side, and that she goes out of her way to communicate things to me in a way that I will understand. That's a very valid point, and I'm afraid that my desire to do MC came across as blame-shifting. I intend to wait until she's comfortable with it.

lost_in_toronto posted 1/24/2014 10:18 AM

What my wife and in-laws have communicated to me is that the communication problems that exist between she and I are from my side, and that she goes out of her way to communicate things to me in a way that I will understand. That's a very valid point, and I'm afraid that my desire to do MC came across as blame-shifting. I intend to wait until she's comfortable with it.

My IC stated that she felt it was important for us to attend MC together because it would promote us healing together, as a couple, as well as individually. I think she was right and we started MC a couple months after dday. We each had our own IC and then our MC. I think it is a good idea not to use IC as MC.

Suggesting MC is not blame shifting.

Suggesting MC is a valid and responsible way for you to address your different styles of communication. A good MC will help communication issues immensely. Ours pointed out some really helpful points for us, such as my "pacing" issues - I think and talk very quickly, and expect my WS to express himself as quickly as I do.

After reading some of your posts, I personally think that finding a good MC would be very helpful for you and your BW. I think it's great you are going to IC, but that can only help you with your issues. MC helps the marriage - or a good one does, anyway.

I do find it troubling how much influence your inlaws have in your relationship. I think it would be very helpful for you to both have someone to talk to who isn't your inlaws or your daughters to help you sort through some of these issues. I don't believe that it is your relative's place to talk to you about your communication problems with your BW, but that is JMO.

20WrongsVs1 posted 1/24/2014 12:07 PM

Suggesting MC is not blame shifting.

It is if you believe your spouse, or problems in your marriage pre-A, contributed to your choice to have an affair. Until the WS clears that hurdle, IMO MC is a waste of time, unless the BS is the one insisting on MC.

I feel it's very needed, but should I leave that determination to her?

Uh....yeah! You should. What's the alternative? Drag her there? Threaten D if she doesn't go?

Let's let BW have a turn at determining what's needed for the M, shall we? You haven't exactly exercised the greatest judgment in that department. None of us (WS) did.

foolishlycluless posted 1/24/2014 13:05 PM

We started MC together, first. After a couple of weeks, our counselor wanted to have IC with each of us (to get more background).

Since then, we continue to have weekly MC. A few weeks ago I asked the counselor whether we should have additional IC sessions, and she felt that there were too many issues in the marriage that needed to be addressed first (scary to hear that!).

If WH is out-of-town, I will still attend the weekly session as IC. And of course, either of us can request IC any time that we want. I'll have my 3rd individual session next week, and I need it!!

Morhurt posted 1/24/2014 15:20 PM

After a couple of months of IC my WH and I started MC. We lasted 2 sessions (with the "best" and most expensive therapist around). She took his side (we didn't even feel we had sides) and helped him blame me for everything. It was horrible and terrifying for me and three months later I'm just barely able to think about it without panicking.

So yes, she has reason to be worried. In my case a "bad" MC did a lot more damage than good, but obviously a good MC would be... great I'm sure! If she's on SI she's bound to have heard some horror stories and be scared.

I would approach it with her tenderly and with compassion.

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