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Newest Member: betrayedinil (61145)

User Topic: 6 more months out of my house
♂ 41537
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS told me the other day that she's not letting me back in the house until July, that will be the 1 year mark from DDay. She had told me about 2 months ago she was giving herself a year to figure out what she wanted to do. Well, she knows what she wants to do now and I shouldn't complain since I have an actual timeline now.

There are several things tied to me moving back in. We officially will be "back together" and we will start having sex again, among other things.

I have read alot here about it being difficult to R when you're not living together. I truly feel we are in R, and our lives are very much intertwined with a business, kids, etc. We speak several times a day and go out on dates once or twice a week. I spend the night at my house once or twice a week and we communicate our feelings much better than ever before.

I feel very fortunate that I know we will R as long as we both keep up the good work. She's said on several occasions she feels like she should just "get over it". I always tell her to take her time, it needs to be real and only when she's ready. I never pressure her about moving back in or sex. She is affectionate with me and does sweet things for me that I am just now allowing myself to accept without guilt.

I feel like I should just suck it up for 6 months and keep on my work and our work. From what I've read, this seems unusual but if things seem to be headed in the right direction, why rock the boat?

Has anyone had a similar experience, positive or negative?

WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
♂ 32590
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do hope you reconcile. Communication with empathy is the most important aspect of a relationship. Couples share the same physical space and yet are not able to communicate well. Marriages become difficult and sometimes end because of this shortcoming. You do have a wonderful opportunity to reconcile from what you have described. I really do not think our BS will get over it. It is for us waywards to always remember the pain they will carry for a long time and somehow we should let them know that we have not forgotten and that we are truly sorry for what we have done and are ready to comfort them. Please be patient and humble. Good luck. I wish you and your family peace and happiness.

WH 63
BS 52
No Children

Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001

D-day#1 03/01/2011
D-day#2 7/8/2015
D-day#3 9/3/2015

Posts: 796 | Registered: Jun 2011
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are the kids and how much do you see them living outside the house now? I generally share your mindset, i.e. if you're both actively pursuing R then where you live seems like just a detail.

That being said, there are 5 of you in this equation and from my own situation, I can already see how me not living at home for just a couple of months is already impacting my boys.

Will another 6 months be okay for your kids? Might be worth fully discussing the family impact in an MC session, especially if you are already in R...

But my original vote is where my heart it...if you're getting a second chance, who cares where you live.

WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
♂ 25700
Member # 25700
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not rock that boat IMHO. if you seem to be on the road to healing and so is she then keep that going. pressuring her may seem like a selfish move on your part. 6 months is nothing in the scheme of life although it can seem like an eternity sometimes.

WH 50
BS 45
3 awesome kids

Posts: 170 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: NY
♂ 41537
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The kids are doing OK now but it was hard at first, my oldest said not to long ago that he had gotten used to it. He knows it's not forever. I see them several times a week, usually at least one evening hanging out too. My weekends are usually spent there when it's her weekend with the kids. We do a good bit of family stuff together as well, so in a way the family is intact. We just don't all live together right now.

I'm really on the fence about bringing it up in MC. Sometimes I think she is doing it to make me pay, other times I think she really needs more time and space to heal. Maybe all of the above.

I agree though, it doesn't matter. For where we are and the positive things she tells me I need to be thankful.

WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
♂ 41537
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Def no pressure coming from me, at least I have a timeline now. I know we have come a long way in only 6 months and I constantly need to remind myself of that.

WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 34173
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is so much tied to you moving back in?

adding sex and other things into the package for you and your BW seems to make that a huge milestone, which could easily turn into a barrier she is unwilling to let down.

Is there any way you can bring up in MC the possibility of moving back in after 6 with no sex etc to take the pressure / fear off. Might help you both get used to being a family again with loading too much onto a specific date.

Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 7

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