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sparkle09 posted 1/22/2014 20:49 PM

I am having a hard time dealing with the details my husband admitted to me. I thought I wanted to know but as soon as he told me I knew I would have been bette off not knowing. Why why why would he tell me they had anal sex? I cant get the mental picture out of my head. A message to you all..really think about what details you really want to know.

[This message edited by sparkle09 at 8:50 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

kiki1 posted 1/22/2014 20:58 PM

Ugh, Sparkle, that's awful.

My wh gave me a sexual detail once I didnt even ask for and it hurt so bad. He did it to be mean. Asshole.

I'm sorry. Yes, your absolutely right. We really need just the basics.

I'm sorry.

hugs,,,,,,

norabird posted 1/22/2014 21:11 PM

Yikes. Sorry! I hope you can distract yourself from this image with something you can get pleasure out of--any small thing that will make you briefly happy. Making your favorite cup of tea? Watching a favorite movie? However I know it's so hard to control.

sparkle09 posted 1/22/2014 21:31 PM

He tried to not tell me he really did! I can be pretty relentless...he told me I could be an interrogator for the CIA!

[This message edited by sparkle09 at 9:31 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

Lola88 posted 1/23/2014 00:02 AM

I needed all the details too Sparkle and yes, the mind movies are killing me but I'm still glad I now have the truth in full. My imagination was filling the gaps anyway........

Know that no matter how much you interrogate, he made those choices.

Look after yourself (((hugs)))

momentintime posted 1/23/2014 00:14 AM

Yes the info hurts. However, your imagination can run wild, better to know the facts and deal with them. For me, I didn't want them to have any secrets. Nothing of theirs against me. So he had to spill it all. Others don't need all the details and that is ok too. Whatever you need, get. Let the rest ride.

spond posted 1/23/2014 06:49 AM

However, your imagination can run wild, better to know the facts and deal with them.

This..

I started off asking simple questions about the hotel room nights. A few days later I asked more detailed questions. It was hard for me to ask the questions sometimes, because I knew I would be stirring up memories. But I had to know because in my head they were WAY worse then what happened those nights.

MercifulH posted 1/23/2014 09:55 AM

I'm going to have to disagree. I felt much worse when my BS was hiding the details to try and make me feel better. In fact, I want to know the details. I want to know everything, where it happened, what position, how long they lasted, how long they laid beside each other afterward, how intimate they were. I believe it is much better to get all the details on the table and move forward without leaving anything to the imagination. That's just me, and maybe I have issues, but I felt better the more details she gave me.

bionicgal posted 1/23/2014 10:02 AM

I think you will process this eventually, and do fine. But, it may be a bit of a lesson that you should sit on a question for a while before asking. . . a lot of us learn that the hard way. Don't pain shop.

ETA:
Everyone is different in terms of what they need to know, and when. Be patient with yourself, and don't rush it. I would hear this chorus of people here on SI claiming to need to know everything right away, which made me feel pressured. Do what works for you.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:04 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

Twitchy posted 1/23/2014 11:55 AM

Its also about getting the WS to release the secrets and get the information out in the open. That way, the romance of the A dies. When you know the details, it changes them for the WS. Makes them associated with your pain, rather than the A romance.

Stillhurting2 posted 1/23/2014 18:27 PM

I just found out that my spouse has been having an 8 month affair. He wants to protect me by not letting me know everything. I see that as a way for him to keep lying to me. So I investigate everything he does or has done. He told me he never gave FOP any presents. Just found out her sent her roses for Valentines Day last year. To me the only way to move forward is to know it all.

Mhiimg65 posted 1/23/2014 22:14 PM

I just asked my WS if he was wearing his ring when they F**cked. He replaced my ring with his father's wedding ring which he inherited. I never got a wedding ring, but he did. I have both his mothers and my mothers. His mother was a BS too. How sad. The ring I gave him was one I gave him when we dated . I don't know how long it has been since he wore it. I sadly hadn't noticed.

Mhiimg65 posted 1/23/2014 22:16 PM

I just asked my WS if he was wearing his ring when they F**cked. He replaced my ring with his father's wedding ring which he inherited. I never got a wedding ring, but he did. I have both his mothers and my mothers. His mother was a BS too. How sad. The ring I gave him was one I gave him when we dated . I don't know how long it has been since he wore it. I sadly hadn't noticed.

sparkle09 posted 1/24/2014 00:09 AM

My WS is not allowed to wear his ring! I threw it I've the fence but he found it! I said that ring touched her body and means nothing to you so don't wear it.

mystified1970 posted 1/24/2014 05:12 AM

Sparkle, this is a tough one but the mind movies will ease over time.

I needed and still need to know every detail. He took me with him into those situations. He took OUR life into it. I need to know every single thing that happened that tore our family to shreds.

This past December I used a restore software on an SD card and have now seen photos of one of the whores he was with. For a few days it haunted me but it's getting better.

As I understand it, some people don't want to know those details. Maybe for you it's better to leave the details out and just know it happened?

Wishing you peace in this journey to healing.

totallyconfused1 posted 1/24/2014 06:29 AM

I'm not sure I'd be able to handle too many details.

I have some, but really it's fairly new so I don't think the details I would get from my questions would be the full disclosure anyways. And I don't know if I'm in a place right now to handle more. Kwim?

Right now I'm in the stage where I'm not believing anything he says, so I think it's pointless for me to try and get more answers than I already have.

And no matter what, do you really think they are telling the truth 100%? Is your ws going to say, yes, her boobs were greater than yours, or yes, she was a way better kisser than you and her ass was much tighter. No. I think they will still hold back some to protect your feelings.

Crazyman642 posted 1/24/2014 06:48 AM

I am one of those need the details people. I feel before I can make a decision on how to move forward I need the truth. One small problem, what happens when you don't believe you have gotten the truth? I feel stuck. WS says she has told me everything which I am pretty sure isn't true. Trying to figure out how to move on...

Gman1 posted 1/24/2014 10:09 AM

Having the details is very hard for me as well. After D-day, I had what I called the Roulette wheel spinning inside my head. It constantly turned and when it stopped it landed on a particular thought, question or image. It never stopped spinning from the moment I woke up in the morning until I finally fell asleep at night. It was torture and lasted continuously for about six weeks. Anyways, what my mind conjured up was horrible and my imagination ran wild. So I had to ask details because knowing the truth was better than what my mind would make up on its own. I wish I didn't know a few things but if I hadn't asked my mind would still be filling in the blanks which was even more awful. Some of the details still haunt me as I now see them as images but I will eventually get over this with time. I am sorry you had to endure this and it will be better one day in time. I promise!

HighSticked posted 1/24/2014 10:29 AM

Didn't I hear a quote from The Italian Job, "the devil is in the details". Don't know if I want them either

william posted 1/24/2014 11:38 AM

im struggling with this. want to know, feel i need to know in order to come to acceptance of what happened, but scared sh*tless that the details kill me.
afraid to find out now while im already reeling. afraid to find out later because it reopens it all when ive finally started to heal.
afraid to never find out and never get closure.

i dont know. god, its a tough question. do i really want to know what she did with whom and how often.

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