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Newest Member: HellYeaimdone (45730)

User Topic: Multidating
mixedemotions
♀ 35810
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you multidate without feeling like a creep, do you tell the other people up front or wait till they ask, and (this one's certainly preemptive) when do you focus on one person?

Like most people I prefer to be focused on one relationship, and getting back into dating it seemed to just work itself out that I was only interested in one man at a time, but all of a sudden I've gotten asked out by multiple guys and I'm interested in all of them...at least so far. I haven't met any of them in person, so I'm not sure what the chemistry is like.

I have 2 dates on Saturday, 1 on Monday, and another one next weekend. They're all first dates so that makes me feel a little less creepy, since there's a chance many could poof or not work out, but it still feels very strange and I want to sort of have a game plan to make sure I'm being as respectful as I can be.

Part of me wants to say it's wrong, but I've had so many situations not work out after talking or going on dates that I thought I should be open minded about casting a wider net...

Side note, some of you may have read my post about a man talking to me for a while and always canceling plans to meet...funny how things changed when I dropped him!


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say that up until around three dates (could be more depending on how they feel), you are fine to keep your options open. But there is no hard number. If you start feeling serious about someone, you may want to focus on them; if you don't feel a connection, I'm sure you'll let them go. It will evolve naturally.

I had a friend who was dating someone for about two months (non-exclusively) and feeling on the fence when she got swept up in a sudden whirlwind romance. It took her around two weeks to feel the person she was being swept off her feet by meant she had to definitively end it with the other person (who, to be fair, was not taking hints and being pretty clingy). The whole thing made me feel pretty triggery so I get the feelings of creepiness! But in OLD, messaging and going on first dates with multiple people is absolutely the norm and the most efficient way to proceed.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
mefirst
♀ 13135
Member # 13135
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First dates is hardly dating. Not to split hairs, but just meeting someone and heading out to a movie to get to know someone is hardly dating. It would be weeks before I would guess you discover it's someone you want to date.


Courage is not the absence of fear; it's acting in the face of fear.

Posts: 905 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Arizona
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean. I struggle with this too.

I just have to keep telling myself that I am not "dating" any of these people. For me, I am pretty up front that *if* I end up dating someone from OLD I will develop a friendship with them first and I will be quite some time before I will consider myself dating someone.

I think it is fine to meet up with different people and try to find a good fit. And I can almost guarantee they are doing the same thing as well.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
finallymefirst
♀ 41060
Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've had a few people talk about poofing after the third date. Maybe u should just play it by ear, but if all of them eventually ask for exclusivity then u have a problem lol.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013
nutmegkitty
♀ 33882
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to wrap one's head around it but the reality is that unless you and whoever you are dating have had the "excusive" talk, then you just have to assume everyone is multidating. It's just how things work in OLD in the beginning stages.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2611 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it. I've been there, in fact I'm doing it right now. Have had two dates with one guy, have a first date tonight with another guy. It is a strange thing for me to do too, feels a bit creepy, but I agree it is what happens "nowadays". When I "feel" it with one, after two or three dates, then I'll stop...

So many times I feel "nothing" after a first date, or have a first date that goes well and it does not materialize into a second date, that I've come to accept that it makes sense to have a couple of irons in the fire.

Side note, some of you may have read my post about a man talking to me for a while and always canceling plans to meet...funny how things changed when I dropped him!
Do you suppose the Universe is trying to tell you something?


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3236 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was doing OLD, questions like, "how have you liked okcupid?" Came up a lot and led to comments about meeting a lot of people, having luck finding dates, etc. And provided an easy way to subtly make sure everyone was on the same page without being awkward about it.

The other side of it is learning to manage your own involvement. Four dates in one week can be a lot; it's tough because it can come in waves, especially if you send or respond to a bunch of messages all at once. I had to learn to send one or two new messages a day, or stop when I was actively chatting with two or three guys. Otherwise it became too much of a feast or famine situation lol. I also tried to dedicate one or two nights a week for dates, and saved prime weekend time for my friends.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13870 | Registered: Jul 2011
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, January 25th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I have a tendency to get too involved too soon, meeting different men during the same general time period was really helpful. I didn't take anyone too seriously until someone really showed me he was worth my focus. I also got to see how I felt differently with different men. I learned a lot Things were pretty clear by the 3rd meeting and I never felt like I was stringing anyone along.

If you are feeling creepy, check to see if you are making assumptions about being in a relationship before a real bond has formed. A few meals and a walk in the park do not make a relationship.


BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5902 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
mixedemotions
♀ 35810
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone! This was so helpful. I was bracing myself for 2x4s about being a creep and then when I saw such different responses than I was expecting it really helped me take a look at my views on feeling committed (read "attached") way too quickly.

InnerLight - I had to re-read your post to make sure it wasn't actually posted by me! Those have been my exact thoughts so far.

Out of the 3 guys I've been on dates with, there's one who I feel more of a connection with. We went on a second date the next night after our first and have talked on the phone a few times since. Discussion about dating other people than each other has been easy and at times even funny.

In the absence of dating other people, I definitely think I would have gotten overly attached to both him and the idea of him already, and instead I'm able to take things so much more slowly and really take a look at all my options...or the option of dating no one if things take a different turn with him and I don't connect with anyone else right now.

Ironically, I thought this was going to be so uncomfortable and instead I'm finding it to be really wonderful. I'm having fun, being relaxed, being treated nicely, and am genuinely in a good, connected but un-attached place.

Yay! Also, I was drinking tea with the guy who I'm liking the most so far. I said we should toast and he said "to new beginnings!"


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I said we should toast and he said "to new beginnings!"
And you got to have a little secret smile as you thought about all of us'ns! Yea!!

Keep us posted on the mixedemotions dating smorgasbord....


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3236 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Topic Posts: 11

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