BH's moods very much impact me. I've reacted so poorly so many times over the past months that on the VERY VERY bad days I feel almost paralyzed to do or say anything for fear of making it worse. Which is all I seem capable of doing even on the less very very bad days.
Even just little things said and done in an effort to comfort are tainted, and undermined by what I've done. Last night I told the dog she could have all the snuggles she wanted when we got home later, BH scoffed. I turned towards him and offered the same. Apparently that was wrong reaction. He stated, "Yeah I can have all the snuggles I want now. But when I actually wanted them you wanted nothing to do with me." Then he launched into a tirade about all of my discretions, and all the "truth" he knows about what I feel and think.
Obviously, we are still in the very early stages after discovery. The tirades, the anger, they are all expressions of his pain. While I understand it, am able to intellectualize the reason behind it, in the moment I find I still struggle with responding compassionately. Communication is very very difficult, and has been for years. BUT, I'm finally doing my share of the work, and I am finally working on me. I want to be the wife he deserves, and to be the person I've always wanted to be.
We are in limbo hell. When he says things like, "there's no point," and "nothing matters," it's really hard not to get sucked down into hopelessness. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Other times I get angry and respond with something stupid, sometimes I just say "That's not true." His pain is palpable, and I wish I could help take it away. But I know the pain is something he must feel and deal with on his own before he can move forward. It's one of the things I'm working on in relation to my FOO issues. Accept the situation, sit with the pain until you are done with it, and move on.
My roller coaster of emotions is still fairly active, antidepressants kicked in and have somewhat helped to level me out. I'm not all the way there yet, but some of that is dealing with my own hurts.
I love my BH more than he will ever know, and more than he will ever be able to believe. What's terrible is that I know I made that a reality. If only I had gotten help for my issues before I destroyed us... maybe then he would actually believe what I've been saying for years. I love him, I want to be with him, and I want my family to be his family and his family to be my family.
"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly."