I guess what I'm wondering though is that when you can clearly tell your BS is down, how does it affect your moods? I have a hard time with it not bringing me down..way down. I've always felt this way, but it's even more pronounced being that she is down because of my actions.
I ask this because my BW has been having a hard time. R is going okay..it's only been 3 1/2 months since dday, so not very long. She's been down since she found out of course, but I think she may have slipped into a state of depression over the past couple weeks. Not just because of my A, but that's the biggest thing.
I'm not sure if I've asked my question very clearly here, but I'm just wanting to know how everyone else's mood is affected when their BS is having a down day. I don't know if letting it affect my mood is something I need to fix, or if it's okay.
So yes, sometimes I struggle when he's having a down day. But then I mentally shake myself and remind myself that he is down because of me so it is up to me to help him.
I find it hard to know which approach to take, he's not one for letting me know what he needs from me. So it's guess work really.
Sometimes I just carry on as normal, making conversation about my day, the children, dinner, housework etc. Other times I talk to him about his mood, reassure him that I'm here for him.
Patience and understanding are key. Although I cannot imagine the pain he is in, I do my best to be supportive.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
BH said that my mood being so tied to his mood is co-dependent. I know there was a post about that recently but I didn't have a chance to read it to see if it applies.
Anyway, when he hits a down hill slump, I take it in stride. I go into problem solving mode. Is he moody because of me? Ok. What can I do? Would you like to talk? Can I get you anything?
I don't really feel the need to berate myself anymore. Why? Well, if I go into this, "Stupid Aubrie, how could you be such an idiot!?" thing, it takes away from my husband. Yes, I screwed up, it's my fault he hurts. But I'm not going to diminish his hurt and pain in my mind by turning it towards me and making the situation all about me. Even if he doesn't know I am. Even if I do it internally. HE is the hurt one. My focus is 100% on him. I'll work my fingers to the bone to try to alleviate that pain.
I think the more you work on yourself and fix the broken pieces, you let go of that anger and rage at yourself that causes your moods to spiral when your BS does. You become calmer, you take it in stride, you put your shoulder to the wheel, and just deal with it as it comes.
Does that make any sense?
Even just little things said and done in an effort to comfort are tainted, and undermined by what I've done. Last night I told the dog she could have all the snuggles she wanted when we got home later, BH scoffed. I turned towards him and offered the same. Apparently that was wrong reaction. He stated, "Yeah I can have all the snuggles I want now. But when I actually wanted them you wanted nothing to do with me." Then he launched into a tirade about all of my discretions, and all the "truth" he knows about what I feel and think.
Obviously, we are still in the very early stages after discovery. The tirades, the anger, they are all expressions of his pain. While I understand it, am able to intellectualize the reason behind it, in the moment I find I still struggle with responding compassionately. Communication is very very difficult, and has been for years. BUT, I'm finally doing my share of the work, and I am finally working on me. I want to be the wife he deserves, and to be the person I've always wanted to be.
We are in limbo hell. When he says things like, "there's no point," and "nothing matters," it's really hard not to get sucked down into hopelessness. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Other times I get angry and respond with something stupid, sometimes I just say "That's not true." His pain is palpable, and I wish I could help take it away. But I know the pain is something he must feel and deal with on his own before he can move forward. It's one of the things I'm working on in relation to my FOO issues. Accept the situation, sit with the pain until you are done with it, and move on.
My roller coaster of emotions is still fairly active, antidepressants kicked in and have somewhat helped to level me out. I'm not all the way there yet, but some of that is dealing with my own hurts.
I love my BH more than he will ever know, and more than he will ever be able to believe. What's terrible is that I know I made that a reality. If only I had gotten help for my issues before I destroyed us... maybe then he would actually believe what I've been saying for years. I love him, I want to be with him, and I want my family to be his family and his family to be my family.
Aubrie's post hit home.
In the early days, if I knew he was down, I would spiral. Someone here bitch-slapped me and told me to get over myself. This isn't about me. It's about his pain. Deal with it. Cleared that issue right up.