"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

iAmAMess0809 posted 1/22/2014 21:18 PM

I'm looking to get some thoughts on something that has been on my mind. I know that one of the concepts here is that as waywards who want to R, we have to stay strong through the ups and downs of the roller-coaster.

I guess what I'm wondering though is that when you can clearly tell your BS is down, how does it affect your moods? I have a hard time with it not bringing me down..way down. I've always felt this way, but it's even more pronounced being that she is down because of my actions.

I ask this because my BW has been having a hard time. R is going okay..it's only been 3 1/2 months since dday, so not very long. She's been down since she found out of course, but I think she may have slipped into a state of depression over the past couple weeks. Not just because of my A, but that's the biggest thing.

I'm not sure if I've asked my question very clearly here, but I'm just wanting to know how everyone else's mood is affected when their BS is having a down day. I don't know if letting it affect my mood is something I need to fix, or if it's okay.

sad34 posted 1/22/2014 22:33 PM

When I'm down my WH is as well. It causes his depression to spiral and when we r having our talks about the "a" it makes him go on a roller coaster as well.
I think the best advice u can get is actually from the BS, because I can understand more about your wife then the WS.
When my wh is like that it makes me so angry and sad. He did this horrible thing to me and then he makes my healing ten times harder by being on a roller coaster as well. He does need to b my rock.
I'm not saying for u to b emotionless cause that's crazy. I realize it's hard for u guys as well and u need to do your own healing, but please try to remain strong while she's a mess, because she needs u now more then ever.

grains posted 1/23/2014 01:14 AM

I agree with sad34. You just have to be there for your BS. It is hard, difficult and painful all at once but you can both get through it. I am sorry you are both going through this. Please consider getting professional counseling for your BS and for yourself too. The human spirit is surprisingly resilient but we have to look for that quality and nurture it. Be there for her. Be well.

BrokenButTrying posted 1/23/2014 05:27 AM

I've always struggled with this throughout our M, even before the A. BS' s moods would effect the whole house because he's a sulker and it brought me down too.

So yes, sometimes I struggle when he's having a down day. But then I mentally shake myself and remind myself that he is down because of me so it is up to me to help him.

I find it hard to know which approach to take, he's not one for letting me know what he needs from me. So it's guess work really.
Sometimes I just carry on as normal, making conversation about my day, the children, dinner, housework etc. Other times I talk to him about his mood, reassure him that I'm here for him.

Patience and understanding are key. Although I cannot imagine the pain he is in, I do my best to be supportive.

Jovie posted 1/23/2014 08:31 AM

This is tough. When BS is in a good mood, it's easy for me to be in a good mood and enjoy his company. When he's down, it brings me down as well and leaves me feeling depressed and angry at myself. I guess in a way that is selfish, but it also feels like if I were to try to stay "strong" and hold it together, that I'm not suffering enough. I don't want to come across that I'm not remorseful or that I'm not sad that all this happened. So I think its tough to balance.

BH said that my mood being so tied to his mood is co-dependent. I know there was a post about that recently but I didn't have a chance to read it to see if it applies.

Aubrie posted 1/23/2014 09:46 AM

In the early days, if I knew he was down, I would spiral. Someone here bitch-slapped me and told me to get over myself. This isn't about me. It's about his pain. Deal with it. Cleared that issue right up.

Anyway, when he hits a down hill slump, I take it in stride. I go into problem solving mode. Is he moody because of me? Ok. What can I do? Would you like to talk? Can I get you anything?

I don't really feel the need to berate myself anymore. Why? Well, if I go into this, "Stupid Aubrie, how could you be such an idiot!?" thing, it takes away from my husband. Yes, I screwed up, it's my fault he hurts. But I'm not going to diminish his hurt and pain in my mind by turning it towards me and making the situation all about me. Even if he doesn't know I am. Even if I do it internally. HE is the hurt one. My focus is 100% on him. I'll work my fingers to the bone to try to alleviate that pain.

I think the more you work on yourself and fix the broken pieces, you let go of that anger and rage at yourself that causes your moods to spiral when your BS does. You become calmer, you take it in stride, you put your shoulder to the wheel, and just deal with it as it comes.

Does that make any sense?

Wayflost posted 1/23/2014 11:54 AM

BH's moods very much impact me. I've reacted so poorly so many times over the past months that on the VERY VERY bad days I feel almost paralyzed to do or say anything for fear of making it worse. Which is all I seem capable of doing even on the less very very bad days.

Even just little things said and done in an effort to comfort are tainted, and undermined by what I've done. Last night I told the dog she could have all the snuggles she wanted when we got home later, BH scoffed. I turned towards him and offered the same. Apparently that was wrong reaction. He stated, "Yeah I can have all the snuggles I want now. But when I actually wanted them you wanted nothing to do with me." Then he launched into a tirade about all of my discretions, and all the "truth" he knows about what I feel and think.

Obviously, we are still in the very early stages after discovery. The tirades, the anger, they are all expressions of his pain. While I understand it, am able to intellectualize the reason behind it, in the moment I find I still struggle with responding compassionately. Communication is very very difficult, and has been for years. BUT, I'm finally doing my share of the work, and I am finally working on me. I want to be the wife he deserves, and to be the person I've always wanted to be.

We are in limbo hell. When he says things like, "there's no point," and "nothing matters," it's really hard not to get sucked down into hopelessness. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Other times I get angry and respond with something stupid, sometimes I just say "That's not true." His pain is palpable, and I wish I could help take it away. But I know the pain is something he must feel and deal with on his own before he can move forward. It's one of the things I'm working on in relation to my FOO issues. Accept the situation, sit with the pain until you are done with it, and move on.

My roller coaster of emotions is still fairly active, antidepressants kicked in and have somewhat helped to level me out. I'm not all the way there yet, but some of that is dealing with my own hurts.

I love my BH more than he will ever know, and more than he will ever be able to believe. What's terrible is that I know I made that a reality. If only I had gotten help for my issues before I destroyed us... maybe then he would actually believe what I've been saying for years. I love him, I want to be with him, and I want my family to be his family and his family to be my family.

Hisbunnyonly posted 1/23/2014 12:05 PM

had a night like this last night..... BH didn't say anything, but his eyes just looked cold and pained, and his mannerisms were just off. i felt as if he didn't want me around. and of course it hurt. so i eventually did ask what was on his mind, and he told me he's just having a hard time. i offered to discuss it with him and he said he was not ready and asked me to basically just leave him alone right now, so i did what he asked. it hurt like hell, but i had to be strong for him, i did some cleaning and everything. he works midnights. i'm not ashamed to say that when he left for work, i broke down like a baby and cried myself to sleep last night. i hate knowing i caused him this pain. he is a very bitter man now and it is my fault and i hate that, so yes, when i'm alone sometimes i have little crying fits. but then i pick up and choose to be strong for my BH, b/c thats what he deserves. the pain i feel, can't even compare to the pain i know i caused him....

Trying4change posted 1/23/2014 19:06 PM

Yes I can definitely relate! As waywards we must fight this fight if its what we really want, my BS has her moments but I know its something I have to do to help ease her pain when I have caused it. But your not alone.

rekindle posted 1/23/2014 22:35 PM

Lately BS has been making his moods pretty obvious by lashing out, but even if he doesn't say anything, I can tell by his eyes. They're stonelike, frozen by overwhelming anger and pain. And its my fault. His eyes are usually passionate, but with a softness about them. Not anymore. Its so difficult knowing that I've ruined him this way. So his moods always bring me down. He lashed out bad the other day and I sobbed like a baby, was crushed for the whole day. He wants me to hurt so I guess this is how its going to be. I've been selfish and asking him what good is going to come out of me being crushed into the ground when he heals.

Aubrie's post hit home.

In the early days, if I knew he was down, I would spiral. Someone here bitch-slapped me and told me to get over myself. This isn't about me. It's about his pain. Deal with it. Cleared that issue right up.

Feeling like a worthless person who doesn't matter is a very difficult thing that I am still trying to grasp. I need to do better. I guess if he chooses to accept me after all this, it will be worth this hell.