After the DDay and finding out we were expecting on same day. Life has been so hard to continue with this marriage and hope to go back to our happy life we once had. Or Walk away with my kids and try to move on? I realize moving on a dealing in the future with someone new and that will accept my kids is not a future I look forward to. I will sit and stick it out hope he is who he once was and continues treatment and to stay sober as he did for few years (this time being until I die) he has no control with alcohol. Well, all this stress and thinking I do realize he's human imperfect, but I know he's a good man deep inside. We have accomplished do much in so little time.
A few week ago we found out heartbeat on fetus had stopped. I had a D&C and now I'm recovering at home. Having him by my side upsets me. Yet comforts me to have him near me helping and supportive. We always work so good as a team. I know from when we met til now he's changed for the better. Friends have told me and his parents mention in how much he's changed and how much good he does now. I thought having this baby would keep us together. I now realize what I feel and what I want is what will keep us together.
I know for a reason God placed me in his life to help guide him to be a better man. I know God placed him in my life to make me a better woman and to be with my children. Might sound corny and maybe over the top. How could this be? I just know it.
Not everyday is like this, but maybe one day I won't hurt so much that Ill be able to think happy thoughts forever.
As I said today this is how good I feel. Not everyday is good, but bad with a worry feeling, a mind full of doubt and a heart full of pain. I should feel more sad for our loss, but I don't. I'm more greatful for the kids I do have and healthy. It's such a confusing moment.
Kids- 2 ours
3 from previous relationship (who he adopted)
Married- 6 years