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AML04 posted 1/23/2014 06:56 AM

WH and I have been both been in IC since shortly after dday. For the most part mine has been a safe place to get out my feelings of frustration and anger. I wasn't too thrilled with WH's progress until recently when he realized (thank you SI) he need needed to be more active in directing the focus to figuring out his issues. That he couldn't just let his C lead because he might not get to where he wants to go. He felt he made a lot a lot of progress in his last session and he even did some writing that he shared with me, yay!!

I have told WH that I need him to dig in and figure his stuff out for me to really feel safe in the M. It makes me very happy that he has started doing this but I'm also worried he won't stick with it and I'll be let down again.

We started MC last night to try to help with our communication. She said something that made me think that she believes the BS shares some responsibility for the A. WH said he didn't think she meant it like that so I'm going to ask her to clarify at our next session.

If WH figures out his issues that led to the A, works on fixing them and we are also able to work on our pre-A issues, we should come out stronger right? My question is how do I get over him completely disregarding my feelings for over three years? That the man who was supposed to love me for better or for worse became this selfish person that I didn't recognize and didn't give a thought to how all this would affect me. How do I move past that?

Pentup posted 1/23/2014 08:09 AM

I think that when there is enough time and difference, you do not forget, but you can accept and be happy for the change. Forgiveness and acceptance do not mean that you forgot.

AML04 posted 1/23/2014 08:25 AM

Thank you Pentup.

I know I'm only 7 months out but sometimes I get very overwhelmed thinking I'll never get over that. The A itself is bad enough but it hurts SO much more that he really didn't give me any thought while doing it. It was like I didn't exist at all.

I'm going to talk to my IC about this tonight.

Pentup posted 1/23/2014 14:44 PM

(((AML)))
Understand completely. I asked my h what did he think about me at the time that made him think it was ok? Did he think I would not care? Did he think I would leave and he hoped I would? What?? His answer, "I was not thinking about you". Boom to the gut with that one. Later I got different answers, but I still think this one was the truth. My h grew up in an alcoholic family. He is great at compartmentalizing. I am sure that is exactly what he did. He can also be very selfish. Again.... It has been years for us and I do remember it but I don't mention it anymore, every once in a while he will sa y something and I will raise an eyebrow. He will say something to the effect that is remorseful and we go on.

I will say that I had to own my part of always taking a back seat and not making my needs known, even to me. I am better about doing what is best for me now. That helps with any resentment. Not sure if that makes sense.

Hopefully your IC was able to help you.

catlover50 posted 1/23/2014 15:33 PM

(((pentup)))

I know I am an exception but I actually take some comfort that I wasn't thought of. My H was a master compartmentalizer and his LTA was in his "work" box. He kept it out of our home and family and our M, at least in his mind. I didn't even notice a difference.

He never made an active "choice" between us, in his screwed up world. He says if he had it would have been a no-brainer. He just kept the two apart.

It is a messed up way to live and he is now much more fully integrated as a person.

But, for the most part, these nasty cases of infidelity are not about the BS at all, rarely about the AP; truly about the WS and their issues. I find a degree of acceptance when I realize that.

Good luck.

AML04 posted 1/23/2014 15:43 PM

Pentup-we sound very similar. I had absolutely no problem with him doing things to make himself happy but I never considered his needs weren't being met in someway because he didn't let me know. For so long I got used to not having my needs met (FOO) that I really didn't think I had any.

Catlover-My first thought was how could he do this to me knowing all that I have been through in my life. When I asked him and he said wasn't thinking about me, it did give me comfort. It wasn't until later that it really hit me that my husband wasn't thinking about me at all. I do understand compartmentalizing to an extent but he was texting her when we were in the same room and going down in the basement to call her while I was upstairs. That level of detachment just seems insane to me.

Obviously I have a lot to work on. I really want our M to work and for us to be stronger as a couple. I just hope I can get over my own issues for us to be able to do that.