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Another one bites the dust...

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Prayingforhope posted 1/23/2014 08:47 AM

I gave up three friendships right after DDay as part of the agreement I made with my BS. It was the three mates who knew about my A, so they were not 'friends to the marriage' and therefore had to go.

It made sense, but it hurt. One of them was my oldest friend in the world and another was a very close friend from the office who has helped me through thick and thin with work politics, etc. The third was less important, but still, someone I could talk to.

Today I get to add a FOURTH friend to the list - a very dear friend who knew nothing about the A, BUT has been told by his wife he is no longer able to see me (my BS had the courtesy to tell his wife all the horrid details of my A, so now I'm enemy number 1 in their household).

I'm running out of people to talk to. I'm running out of shoulders to cry on. I'm running out of anyone to listen to me and it makes me ANGRY and UPSET. It's not easy to get through this when there is no one to talk to!

Giving up friendships made sense when my BS was still talking to me, but she no longer does that. I would happily give up anyone and anything if we were talking (heck, even if we were fighting for that matter) but right now my list of friends is running short, as part of my commitment to her, and in return I don't even get a conversation.

It feels like I am busting apart at the seems today, trapped in a self-imposed cage and unable to even ask my jailer for a glass of water. It's moments like this, when I can't see ANY light at the end of the tunnel, that I question my own resolve.

Needed to share. This sucks.

pizzalover posted 1/23/2014 09:08 AM

I'm sorry what you're going through. Are you in IC? I go twice a week and it is so helpful to talk to her about the A and my issues. Maybe that will help you because you'll have someone to talk to. Also, maybe get support from family members (siblings/parents). I talk to my dad about how I'm feeling and what's going on.

norabird posted 1/23/2014 09:10 AM

I have no idea what will happen in the future as your wife continues to process this, but since things are still relatively recent, I wanted to say that eventually, the cage will get less restrictive. (In fact you should probably find another way to think of it! Maybe more like a monk's cell...retreat and voluntary reflection instead of jail) Again, I don't know anything about your situation and can't see the future; but your current position, one way or another, is not going to remain this way forever. Maybe you'll start talking again soon; maybe she will call it quits, and your friends will come back into the picture; who knows.

Your wife is feeling protective of the marriage and is deeply hurt, and angry; she may well be lashing out, but that is normal. I do understand that it is hard for you but I encourage you to find strength, and perhaps to try to find other old friends or forge new bonds so that you can have an outlet. You have to acknowledge that losing the non-FOM and having the other wife excommunicate you are consequences for YOUR behavior. Show her you get that, and WANT to give her what she needs, and she will feel safer over time. And eventually your needs can get addressed as well. Just my two cents.

Of course you can still vent about it here though!

JanaGreen posted 1/23/2014 09:12 AM

I agree that you need an outlet and IC sounds like a good one.

I'm sorry but I had to address this:

my BS had the courtesy to tell his wife all the horrid details of my A

It sounds like you have a lot of anger toward your wife. Sorry, but if you had not had the courtesy to PERFORM the horrid actions, she wouldn't have any horrid details to share in the first place. My first D-Day came about in part because my husband was hanging around someone who thought infidelity was no big deal. I think that wife is within her rights to have an issue with her husband hanging out with you, and that's NOT your wife's fault. Look at your anger at your wife, and look at where it should be directed. Then do something positive with it.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Prayingforhope posted 1/23/2014 09:59 AM

Thanks for the comments. Venting helps a ton to release the anger and you're right, like always when my anger peeks it first is directed at my wife and then PRESTO I am reminded that this is all my fault (and btw, I just got told about the new loss of friend today, so not in a happy place when I posted that).

The only person to be angry at right now is me. Just need to be reminded of that so I can focus.

Yes, I'm in IC twice a week and considering a proposal to ramp up to 4X to get over this particular patch of pain. It helps a ton, but it's not enough right now.

I love the 'monks retreat' analogy and on my good days that is about what I am thinking...but man oh man, how these emotions just fly in from nowhere and change your POV in an instant!

Note to self - I did this and my wife is protecting herself as a result. I need to deal with it and keep working on ME...

sinsof thefather posted 1/23/2014 09:59 AM

I really am sorry you lost another friend pfh. But I do think there is a difference between the loss of this fourth friend and the other three. This fourth friend chose his wife's feelings of security over your friendship (as he should) and it was him who gave up on you - that's different altogether to the other three and completely out of your control. It is unfortunate you've lost another friend but it really is another consequence of your own actions not your wife's. Your wife is well within her rights to tell the story of her own life (which now includes your betrayal of her) to anyone she chooses to, and how those people react to it is up to them.

Those other three friends are different because they knew for years that you were a betraying your wife and unlike this latest friend and his wife, they were seemingly 'OK' with that. Those friends are still not the type of people you should have around you right now as you try to work on changing into a person of integrity again no matter how lonely you are. That you were the one who gave them up to pro-actively is very admirable. Please don't let this latest loss affect that decision if you still want to have a chance to R with your wife. As a BS I really do think it would tip the scales against R irrevocably if you took up with those three again no matter how lonely you feel.

I really do feel sad for you feeling so alone as I have followed your posts and do believe that you are as remorseful as you say you are and that you are doing hard the work on yourself to get the chance to R. So carry on doing that and give yourself the best chance of getting what you so desperately want by accepting the loss of these friends and seeking out support from people with better boundaries who are prepared to hold you to higher standards in their friendships with you and who are going to be safer for you as a person going forward.

sinsof thefather posted 1/23/2014 10:04 AM

Oh, I just cross posted with you pfh, and can I say how impressed I am with this;

Note to self - I did this and my wife is protecting herself as a result. I need to deal with it and keep working on ME...

I really do hope that you eventually get a chance to show your wife how hard you are working and how far you've come.

Prayingforhope posted 1/23/2014 10:10 AM

sinsofthefather, thank you for those words. They help a lot. And you're right and I never thought about it. In a weird way, my 4th lost friend really was a true friend. By him supporting his wife's view about my A it demonstrates just how good of a man he is. I need more friends like that!

And thanks for the "get back in the ring" message. Don't worry, I whine a bit when I'm feeling down but I will NOT break the agreements I have with my wife. This is my moment to prove to her that I am more committed than ever to our marriage and there is no way I'm talking to those old friends.

I can honestly admit now, with a clear head out of the fog, that it really was poisonous that they were "okay" with what I was doing for so long.

My future self, with or without my wife, certainly will not benefit from THOSE types of friendships!

DixieD posted 1/23/2014 10:11 AM

How healthy do you think these friendships really were?

As you work more on yourself and your boundaries and not rushing to blame others (like your wife) for things you caused, you may see that these friendships weren't all that great to begin with.

You may make new friendships with healthier people (broken attracts broken and healthy attracts healthy). It hurts now to be alone, but now is a good time to look at what your friendships were like and what you hope new ones will be and the difference between them.

TrulySad posted 1/23/2014 10:12 AM

My WBF is dealing with this very same issue. And while it's been his choice to end his friendships with the men who supported his W behavior, I would never have believed we stood a chance if he had kept them. What's so hard now, is he has NO ONE to talk to. NO ONE to be a "guy" with. And more important, NO ONE to talk to about his W actions and get good advice from.

For now, my WBF comes here for advice. He spends his time reading up on his issues, and has started some new hobbies. None of his new interests involve other people...except me. Again, his choice. And through it all, he's made me the one he talks to now. About everything.

I know your wife isn't talking to you right now. Give it time. If you want to R with her, now is not the time to be thinking about friends. You've done the right thing by eliminating certain ones from your life. Now, work on you. Make that your priority, and while it sounds a little strange, become your own best friend. Hopefully in time, your BW will open the door and give you a chance.

It's been almost a year for my WBF, and myself (since DD). It sucks. And I hate that he doesn't have friends anymore. But he repeatedly tells me how I'm the only friend he wants or cares about. And he's living that statement. He has his best childhood friend coming in to town this week, and we have no idea how to handle this one... but he's already said he's prepared to walk away if this man can't accept his new ways.

I wish there was a way for men to find friendships with other men who support healthy relationship values, and would speak out against bad ones. I'm not sure where this would even exist...

Good luck, stay strong, and know you're not the only man going through this...

JanaGreen posted 1/23/2014 10:24 AM

Praying, not to give false hope, but I was talking to a neighbor friend, who knew about what happened in our marriage. She told me that at first she was wary about her H hanging out with my H but when she heard him talk about how badly he had screwed up and how he wished he could fix it she changed her mind.

Prayingforhope posted 1/23/2014 10:27 AM

@Dixie, I don't know if you saw my other post, but YES, it became obvious pretty quick after dday (as I slowly started accepting what I had done) how poor those friendships were. I even think subconsciously, I only told those three because they really were the 'sick puppies' among my friend pool. Like I couldn't mentally tell the others because I knew what they would say and I wasn't ready for the truth yet...

@Trulysad, thanks for the story about your WS. Always good to know I'm not alone in a club none of us ever wanted to join. It's wonderful that you are the one he talks to now...that was always my wife before all this happened, which makes this the real pain. Despite a few lost friends, what I miss most is my wife...that's where the pain is but I 'sleeping in the bed that I made' and there is more work to be done.

Thank you both for the comments.

Darkness Falls posted 1/23/2014 10:38 AM


I've been exactly where you are and I know it sucks. After my A was exposed our best couple friends wanted nothing to do with me (understandably). Other friends who were mine alone I gave up because they encouraged the A or didn't get the magnitude of the betrayal afterward. I too felt very isolated and without a support system.

But thank God for my mom and my IC. If you have family and/or a counselor who can help you in your journey, I'd highly recommend leaning on them.

Jrazz posted 1/23/2014 12:00 PM

My FWH's best friend from middle school knew. He didn't think it was his place to out Crazz, but the reports were that he discouraged it. I was furious to the point of hate at this friend. I had known him for years. He was/is "uncle" to our daughter.

Because this friend didn't aid the A or involve himself in any way I didn't consider him an enemy of the marriage, but I was still humiliated that he knew, and needed space from him, which FWH respected. FWH also disclosed to me any conversation they had after DDay, so that I didn't feel like he was keeping any more secrets... which helped a little.

What helped a lot was when his friend got married a year later. FWH was his best man, and I was helping coordinate the reception. (He and his wife live far away so I only met her a couple times - she very kindly included me in all the events and asked if I would help with the reception)The night before the wedding the whole gang went to the restaurant that his family owned to have drinks and celebrate. I was doing ok until FWH's friend cornered me and chose THAT moment to apologize for everything. He was crying, I was shocked, and I ran out of the building because I wasn't prepared to talk about it then. FWH chased me down and we went back to the hotel where I fell apart.

The next day (wedding day) I gave FWH's friend a tight hug and told him he's a good guy. Short and sweet - a way to say that the bridges were mended. The fact that he was looking at his own wedding and thinking about FWH and I and what we had been through meant that he was a friend of the family and worth keeping around.

LONG-ASSED story, sorry. I meant to offer an example of how you may not have to give up the friendships forever. The key is that these friends need to have compassion and understanding for what you have put your BW through, and she has to be in a place where she's receptive to hear their apology.

As for you having someone to talk to... maybe some time talking to yourself and sorting this all out makes sense. You are scrambling for company when your BW feels she has lost the person in whose hands she put her life and heart. Focus on you. There are books and counselors that can guide you. When you feel lonely, think about how good it will feel to earn her conversational interest back. That's going to take a ton of time and work, but it's worth it.

She's the one in "jail", not you. You have a choice as to how this goes... she's being drug along by her pain. Her behavior now won't be permanent if you keep showing her that you are listening, that you care, and that you're not going anywhere.

Scorpio2310 posted 1/24/2014 09:30 AM

Praying, I too, had to give up a long time "fiend" right after D-day. He said that he wanted me to be happy, but he never did anything to support my relationship with my BSO, and when I was confronted about my EA by my BSO my "best friend" went along with my request to lie to her.

I know now just like you that a "friend" like that is a friend that is not needed by me in any situation.

I am sorry that you did have to lose a true friend. Remember that just because you fall does not mean you cannot rise up again, and those that do are the role models for how we should live. Find new friends, healthier friends, and become that role model for others.

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