SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Ashland13 posted 1/23/2014 09:03 AM

Oftentimes we hear advice during divorce. The advice that comes to mind lately is the one where people say, "whatever you can just let go of makes it pass by easier. And sometimes quicker."

So I keep that in mind while I process information and papers.

That being said, there is an issue that I simply cannot back down on and I wonder what people think. This new year didn't bring resolutions for me, it brought band aids. The idea being for me to rip as many band aids off that are left of this whole mess. To get rid of the guy and things left "in between".

One of the things left, for many years, is kids. I managed a lot over the time I've been away from Si, but there is one remaining issue that, as I said, boggles, baffles and hurts.

While I've "let" the baby go to the rock that Perv and Mrs. Perv live under with his sibling, as if that isn't enough, the pair of them want something else. They want my kids to go their for their visiting without Perv even being present!!!! His influence on them isn't what I'd wish for, but he is their "father", so to a certain extent he has various rights.

But the second part of this new thing is that they were trying to do it without telling me, but I found out. As I get a little quieter and a little more devious, I find out more. It's ugly. And makes me feel like getting out Clorox wipes because, as kids say, he is so gross.

Anyway...sending my kids there goes against every fiber of my being and was hard enough to do this first part by letting them go in the first place. It's a feeling of always being pushed beyond things that go against my beliefs but because it's "legal" and "rights" now, his NPD self "pushes the envelope". But I do understand that's how he operates and am more prepared for it and freaking out less.

So I wondered what opinions would be. I put it on the list for the judge. Ironically, Perv said, "oh that would be good for mediation." No. A judge. Why bother spending the time with it in mediation? It's just plain no for me.

His defense: "well, if you get to know OW, she won't be a stranger." and then "well, I had to let our other kid go to day care." These defenses were so far fetched for my thinking that I just snickered, saved the message and replied that I would ask my lawyer.

Thanks.
Nothing to negotiate.

Thanks.

Thefly559 posted 1/23/2014 10:36 AM

try to get first right of refusal. I am sorry I wish I had a better answer. stay strong caio!

Nature_Girl posted 1/23/2014 10:39 AM

Hell no! It's called parenting time, not babysitting time.

sparklezombie posted 1/23/2014 12:48 PM

Definitely ask for ROFR. My understanding is that most judges will grant that because it's best for a child to be with a parent than someone else.

My WH is working today and I'm home due to snow. He wanted daughter (17 months) to stay with the nanny at his house instead of spending the day with me. I said no. Don't back down on this one. No reason for your kids not to be with you if they can't be with him.

Thefly559 posted 1/23/2014 21:43 PM

Just gonna give this a bump because I think you need some more advice from the elders

tesla posted 1/23/2014 22:33 PM

Think about it in terms of this:

Parenting time.

Each parent has a right to parent and raise their children. If you cannot excercise your parenting time than it would be fair of you to offer parenting time to perv.

If he cannot excercise parenting time, than you ought to be able to excercise it.

It. Is. That. Simple.

There is no need to get to know OW. There is no need to throw her (or anybody else) into the equation. Your children have two parents...you each get first dibs if the other is unavailable. That is healthiest for the children.

-Now, if perv and OW get married, that changes the rules a bit but if your lawyer can get it written into the settlement that you get offered parenting time even if they get married that's an epic win for you. But, be prepared to do the reverse.

Ex-shat married stripper whore, so I've lost my chance to push the parenting time thing. But, I still use it for pick-ups. If he cannot be present to pick up his son, I tell him that's okay, I'd like the extra parenting time until he is able to personally get his child.

Do not belabor this point with him. He's a fucking idiot. FInd out the language in your state's parenting time guidelines. My state takes quite a bit of space laying out what is expected. HOpefully your state has something similar. If so, use that type of language from here on out. I doubt judges (or even mediators) will go against it.

JamieMc posted 1/24/2014 04:58 AM

I have no advice but just wanted you to know that I am praying for you & the kiddos ! Was glad to see you on S. I. again. Feel free to PM me, you & your children have really touched my heart even though we have never met IRL. All the best J

Ashland13 posted 1/24/2014 05:45 AM

Thanks, everybody and for the bump, Fly.

I'll go for the ROFR.

My suspicion is that the entitlement part of his NPD self is flaming -coming out in a big way-and this is part of what I have to deal with.

If only OW could get her own life by earning it instead of stealing from others.

Often I've spent time wondering, what will she want next, because I think she is the drive behind a lot of what he does. He's lazy and doesn't want conflict.

Anyway...thanks again.