I found out about the A when I caught my H texting. This was about 2 months ago. At first, he fessed up to an EA only, but since then, he has slowly admitted to a PA after I found some damming evidence and being in love with OW, though now he says he regrets ever telling OW that. The A lasted about 4 months. The OW was a new friend that we met at our kids' afterschool class. It started when my H, the OW, and her now ex-H went to a meditation class together (I wasn’t interested in going). Then the ex-H stopped going and it was just my H and the OW. I was under the assumption that things were “safe” since she and I had also hung out and we talked at our kids’ class. But something felt off when he came home really late afterward one night. He admitted to going out for drinks but he said it was a group of people. I have just found out yesterday that that was the first time they kissed (I asked him to answer a series of questions about the A during a MC session). She is extremely aggressive, a huge flirt, always wanting to be noticed, so I do believe him that he said she started coming on to him really hard. From there, I know there was a lot of texting, sexual stuff from what he tells me, though I have not seen any since H deleted all and I can’t recover them. I know of at least 3 times that he lied about going out with friends to be with her. He says they had sex about 2 months in, though I’m not sure I believe it. I’m getting the story in drips and drabs and that part doesn’t sound right. The thing that really gets me is that she is smiling to my face the entire time, asking to come to my house on several occasions so our kids can play together. During these times she came over my husband and I hung out with her, having wine, eating, I even cooked. All the while they were having a secret A. The worst is that she asked me to watch her kids overnight once so she could go to a school event with her ex—but this was the night after she slept with my H for the first time.
I am trying to process how my H could have allowed this—why did he invite her or permit me to invite her over (she initiated these hangouts every time, not me)? I have asked him why and he either says he doesn’t know why or that he didn’t think it was a big deal (incredible to me!). I know an A is really about the AP and the WS, but I can’t help but think that this was an attempt by her to have power over me and for my H to rub it in my face. Our marriage was not in a good place. We were civil, but not affectionate and hardly ever had sex, for a really long time. There were lots of resentments, lots of childhood issues that neither of us could or were equipped to look at, so we just let things slip. We had gone to see a MC for a few months but neither of us had really put much effort into it. I guess we weren’t ready.
My H has apologized repeatedly and tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me only. That he felt like he thought I didn't love him. We have been in MC for about a month and I can see he is trying. He has cut off all contact with her, called her and ended it. I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I am capable for feeling great compassion and love for him and we have had some really wonderful emotional experiences where we are closer than ever. We are talking through a lot of pre-A issues as well as post-A. But I can’t seem to get past the fact that she was invited into my house and he just sat there while she essentially pissed all over me. He cannot or will not answer this question. I’m so angry and humiliated. I have read emails between them about one time when she was going to arrange to come over. She had written “I’m texting with your wife right now.” And he said, “You are a gutsy girl.” This was after she and I had just taken a fitness class together too. Can you imagine what it felt like to read that one?
I will vent and my H will be sympathetic or try to hug me if I’m calm and in control. But when I’m not and the rage boils over, he withdraws. This to me is a major trigger and I feel extremely rejected. If I can’t express my feelings, which are often really ugly, then how do I do this?
Some days are great and things feel better than they have in years. And then others are just miserable. I know it’s still really fresh and the R is just beginning, but I am so tired of holding all this baggage and trying to glue together the many broken pieces of myself.
It is really helpful to me to read stories of R’s that are progressing and comforting to me to know that bumps in the road are to be expected.
first off, just know this is a long journey. I am 13 months in, and there have been many bumps, many set backs. There are times when i have let those set backs consume me and i have lost hope. If your WH is truly remorseful, truly transparent, truly committed to open, honest communication, truly committed to MC/IC and getting to the root cause of why he did what he did, then a safe environment can be rebuilt and allow some healing to take place. This is by far the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life. But i have seen a change in my WH over these past 13 months...a change that not only I notice, but my kids and other people around me. THAT gives me hope, and gets me thru the setbacks. If your WH provides that for you, then it will get easier in time.
Been there, done that. I had much rage in the early stages of finding out about the A...not only because of what my WH did, but because of what my friend did to me. I yelled some really horrible stuff, my anger just poured out. Its all part of the process. You have to be able to vent your emotions. My WH and i spent much time in MC working on our communication and have learned new ways to express our feelings and how to be there for eachother, even if one of us looses control. This is a long process and wont change overnight. bring this to the attention of your MC and work on it. It takes time, but you will get there. Its very easy to get discouraged. You can make it.
hugs to you
Learning healthy ways to communicate your feelings (and him learning healthy ways to listen and respond) is a part of R that can help not just right now, but in the future as well.
Can you talk to your MC about this? They should be able to help you (both) with productive communication.
I don't have much time right now, but at 8 months out, I can say my H and are have a better marriage, better sex life, and our intimacy is just overall way better than it was pre-A. We were good before -- but on the way to being great (with a big "dip") in there. Not to minimize -- this is the most incredibly gut wrenching and painful thing I have every been through, but it is possible. So, just know that it does get better with lots of work and a remorseful and transparent spouse.
((veronique12))
