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Saw AP and hid

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somethingremorse posted 1/23/2014 13:32 PM

I was with my son, and saw AP#2 at the same convenience store. Haven't contacted her since NC, and have absolutely no intentions to do so. As she turned around and I saw who it was, I walked away with my son. "Hid" is probably the best way to describe it. I do not know if she saw me or not.

As soon as we were alone, I told BW the incident. I didn't want to create a scene, and don't want to even say hello. I am afraid that even saying hello would encourage AP#2 to try to contact me. Instead of navigating through whatever might of happened, I avoided it totally.

BW was triggered by this. Not that I saw AP#2, but that I didn't stand up and say that I want her to go away. BW was (is) afraid that I am staying true just by avoiding temptation. She thinks that I avoid AP#2 just so I won't think about going back to her.

This couldn't be further from the truth. I don't want to see the AP because I want to move away from that just as quickly and completely as possible. I have been indifferent almost instantly. I am completely committed to R. At DDay, I wrote both AP a NC email. I was moving more quickly than BH in this regard. AP#2 texted me since then. I deleted it as soon as I saw who it was from.

BW wants me to say that I love my wife, and that everyone else should leave me alone, and I'm not interested. I did that, but I guess she didn't see it. So I guess she has her doubts. I told her that if any AP tries to contact me, that we'd write together, or I'd write and let her see it before I sent it.

Is this just a part of the roller coaster, or could I have done something better? Standing my ground in the convenience store and letting AP#2 do or say whatever she would have done or said does not seem like the best way to conduct myself. Thoughts?

MercifulH posted 1/23/2014 13:42 PM

I don't know your specific situation, but I would be very glad if my WW saw AP in public and did exactly what you did. There are times when I want her to tear him down emotionally because I want him to suffer for his assault on our marriage. In the end, I feel better with her having no contact whatsoever, even negative contact. Your BW will likely feel the same in time.

Jrazz posted 1/23/2014 13:48 PM

I totally get both sides of this. If it's at all possible to look at it this way - you both are right.

BS's have a deep seeded desire to have their WS's tell their AP to go directly to hell. The more venomous the closure, the more we feel that we might have gotten something "back."

This almost never ever happens. It doesn't even make sense, if you think about it. It's jumping headspaces too quickly to be experiencing authentic emotions.

The best BEST BEST route is NC from now on. It's too close to Dday for this to feel like the right thing for your BS, but in time she will grow to learn, as we all have, that not engaging the AP's for ANY reason whatsoever is the best course. Even if you had laid into her in the grocery store about how disgusted you may be by her mere existence, you are giving her time and energy. You are inviting her to respond. We call it poking the bear. Some AP's feel that this is a sign that the WS still wants them in their life, in any capacity. Some see it as an insult to their already perceived "victimhood" and harass the WS & BS back.

So two things to take away here. Your response and attitude to the process is spot on - but this is not a point to argue with your BS. She wants the AP to suffer as she has... and that's a fair emotion to have at this point. When talking with her about this, try to present your response just as you did here - you want NOTHING to do with her. You don't want to give her anything, not a glance, not a breath. Any energy either of you put towards her validates her existence in your lives.

NC all the way will make more and more sense as time passes. The closure will come when your BS is able to start tapping into that indifference as well.

JanaGreen posted 1/23/2014 14:13 PM

I don't think telling her to go away when you're both in a public place is a good idea. First, it's not enforceable, and second, it could get you tossed out by security. Also probably best to avoid a confrontation in front of your son.

But I could totally see how your wife would want you to tear her down verbally. Very understandable on a gut level.

bionicgal posted 1/23/2014 14:26 PM

My H saw his AP while out on a run a couple of months after dday. Her car pulled up close behind him at a stop sign, and he hung a quick left and ran so fast he went anaerobic.

I have never been so proud of him for "hiding."

That being said, you guys are early on yet - and like most BSes your wife would like nothing more than for you to declare your undying love, appreciation and devotion to her, to the AP. Ideally, you should kick her in the shins while doing so. But, the truth of the matter is, you are showing those things by doing what you did; avoiding contact. Not engaging. Pretending like she doesn't exist.

I hope the next time you see AP that you and your BS are together, and you can give your BS a big squeeze right in front of AP. My guess is that if you had engaged AP on any level it would have been bad for you, her and your wife.

Hang in there -- it does get better. It took a few months for my H to feel total indifference, but he does. And, my knees no longer knock when I see her, at 8 months out. Keep working hard!!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:48 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

pointofnoreturn posted 1/23/2014 14:34 PM

I think you did the right thing. There's also the fact that you had your son with you - I'm sure he'd have been embarrassed if you aired out your dirty laundry in a public setting. I don't know how old he is but it's probably a good idea to not have kids involved at all.

MissesJai posted 1/23/2014 14:43 PM

You did exactly what you should've done. Good job.

Aubrie posted 1/23/2014 15:59 PM

As she turned around and I saw who it was, I walked away with my son.
Good choice.

You did much better than I did when I saw someone that just looked like AP. I stood there and stared at the guy. I was too consumed with shock and horror to do anything. He was all for a few seconds, then quickly walked away.

Way to go me. I would have failed miserably had it actually been the AP.

Ellejay posted 1/23/2014 16:13 PM

I can understand why your BW would want a public declaration of your commitment to her, I certainly would. However, you also have to think how embarrassing it would have been for you if AP2 had launched an attack on you at the moment in front of your son or if it had been your BIL who could have done the same. I think you did the right thing by turning away immediately.

It is after all, a free country and people are going to turn up in places where you would prefer they didn't.

You made the right choice.


somethingremorse posted 1/23/2014 18:02 PM

Thanks. I think that BW also wants some control over our lives. Hiding in a convenience store ain't quite that.

I guess I need to hear BW and make sure I do not give her any reason to doubt me.

Clarrissa posted 1/23/2014 23:02 PM

I've seen my AP a few times and at first I hid. But then I looked at the sitch differently - I wasn't the only one in the A. He was just as involved and I thought "Why should I hide? Completely ignoring him should clue him in on the fact I want nothing to do with him." There was one time he was within a foot or so from me, talking to a coworker of mine. I ignored him, not a word to him, didn't even look at him.

I think you acted appropriately. It may have been fear or nerves that prompted the reaction but the important thing is *you didn't engage.*

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