DD daycare and school situation DD Bday DD Holidays DD possible sense of feeling responsible DDs well being DDs possible jealousy of complete families In law drama Step grandparents (possible) Step siblings (possible) Step parents (possible) Nights without one of her parents DD different last name than mom? Moving DDs stuff back and forth (jackets, shoes, toys, backpacks, etc) Custody decisions Courts Lawyers Expense. Legal fees My sports team schedule Work conflicts Health benefits (WH would lose benefits) My last name
Mothers day/fathers day Alone nights without DD Picking up DD sick from school Staying home with sick baby from work School performances Difficult morning and even routines when alone Dinner responsibilities on own Repair items alone moving protection/safety sadness surrounding divorce possibility of being alone possible depression friends we shared
What is the point of the list? To convince you to stay in a dead marriage? There is such a thing as overthinking.
In fact, even when we tore apart my list like yours she always had a positive alternative for the negative I had. Reflecting on just what H did/does and didn't/doesn't do in having to objectively describe it to a stranger and not in whineywife ways was very eye opening to just how much I do MYSELF ANYWAY. The rest of the list she would ask me to imagine my worst case scenario and kept asking "and so?"
Maybe your IC has the same idea. Or maybe your IC just wants to make sure you aren't just dwelling on the negative.
Was the A a deal breaker for you ?
Or can you attempt R if your WS is HUGELY remorseful and is trying to make things up to you?
If A was a deal breaker, than staying with a WS, even if remorseful, is still very corrosive to the soul..
Some people HAVE to D when the A is a deal breaker..
They feel a need to get financial and custody issues of living separately ironed out to protect themselves..
D may be their way of reclaiming their dignity and pride ...
Only AFTER a D would these people consider rebuilding a relationship with remorseful WS knowing that a remarriage or living together is off the table for them..
I think your IC may be encouraging you to think of all the things affected by D and get your ducks on a row on these issues prior to bringing D up with your WS..A smart thing to do..
My suggestion to consider is to find a divorce support group IRL and start attending..The advantage to attending a group in your area is that you will learn from other people how the courts and judges tend to do things in your jurisdiction...
If you like the group that you are involved in then you will have a ready made place IRL to vent about D issues.. You will come to realize that these people know exactly what you are saying because they have BTDT...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:55 AM, January 24th (Friday)]
Your DD will be raised by a mom that demands the respect she deserves, and will be happy, and healthy.
This is far more important than worrying about if you are capable of fixing the garbage disposal, or changing a tire. It is also more important than worrying about inlaw drama, how holidays will be split, and school performances.
I would guess that you are a list maker in general, and tend to be focused on the things you can control. However I am betting your IC was wanting you to look at the possibilities of the positive things that come from D.
Like your daughter is young enough that she won't remember the time that you are unhappy. That your M was broken. She will remember that mom is amazingly organized, and taught me to respect myself and accept nothingless than complete respect, and awe from a man. You will also teach her that she needs a man for NOTHING.
You will be able to fix things on your own, you will figure out how to have a dinner on the table during the week, after working a full day, running to extracurricular activities for her, and even spending some time on yourself for whatever your interest is.
This is what I think you should be considering.
(((and strength)))
