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What do I need to consider before filing for D?

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industriousbee posted 1/23/2014 13:35 PM

It has been 1 year and 2 months since dday. I told my counselor I think I want D. She wants me to make a list of all the things that would be affected by D before bringing this up to WH. What are some things I might be leaving off my list that I should consider? As far as assets go we have a conservative paid for home and my own personal 401k. He doesn't have one. I understand these 2 assets would most likely have to be split equally. Other than that this is what I have thought of so far most of which revolve around our dear daughter, DD.

DD daycare and school situation
DD Bday
DD Holidays
DD possible sense of feeling responsible
DDs well being
DDs possible jealousy of complete families
In law drama
Step grandparents (possible)
Step siblings (possible)
Step parents (possible)
Nights without one of her parents
DD different last name than mom?
Moving DDs stuff back and forth (jackets, shoes, toys, backpacks, etc)
Custody decisions
Expense. Legal fees
My sports team schedule
Work conflicts
Health benefits (WH would lose benefits)
My last name

Mothers day/fathers day
Alone nights without DD
Picking up DD sick from school
Staying home with sick baby from work
School performances
Difficult morning and even routines when alone
Dinner responsibilities on own
Repair items alone
sadness surrounding divorce
possibility of being alone
possible depression
friends we shared

WeepingBuddhist posted 1/23/2014 13:53 PM

One thing that I don't see listed is that you will no longer have to wonder if your spouse is betraying you.

industriousbee posted 1/23/2014 13:59 PM

You are right I have not made a list of the positives. I should do that. I guess I trying to think about all of the negative items to make sure I can handle D.

scarednbroken posted 1/23/2014 14:07 PM

Don't forget dealing with unexpected/expected
Expenses. - sports, college, medical, etc.

Nature_Girl posted 1/23/2014 14:16 PM

But the thing of it is, though, you'll never be able to compile a list of everything and have an answer for everything in advance. You'll never be hit with all of these things all at once. Divorce is a slow-moving train wreck.

What is the point of the list? To convince you to stay in a dead marriage? There is such a thing as overthinking.

Jennifer99 posted 1/23/2014 14:23 PM

I can't believe your IC asked you to do this. I made lists like this in my head all the time and my IC was always smacking me in the face with something like what Weeping Buddhist said.

In fact, even when we tore apart my list like yours she always had a positive alternative for the negative I had. Reflecting on just what H did/does and didn't/doesn't do in having to objectively describe it to a stranger and not in whineywife ways was very eye opening to just how much I do MYSELF ANYWAY. The rest of the list she would ask me to imagine my worst case scenario and kept asking "and so?"

Maybe your IC has the same idea. Or maybe your IC just wants to make sure you aren't just dwelling on the negative.

doggiediva posted 1/24/2014 08:42 AM

Things to consider:

Was the A a deal breaker for you ?

Or can you attempt R if your WS is HUGELY remorseful and is trying to make things up to you?

If A was a deal breaker, than staying with a WS, even if remorseful, is still very corrosive to the soul..

Some people HAVE to D when the A is a deal breaker..

They feel a need to get financial and custody issues of living separately ironed out to protect themselves..

D may be their way of reclaiming their dignity and pride ...

Only AFTER a D would these people consider rebuilding a relationship with remorseful WS knowing that a remarriage or living together is off the table for them..

I think your IC may be encouraging you to think of all the things affected by D and get your ducks on a row on these issues prior to bringing D up with your WS..A smart thing to do..

My suggestion to consider is to find a divorce support group IRL and start attending..The advantage to attending a group in your area is that you will learn from other people how the courts and judges tend to do things in your jurisdiction...

If you like the group that you are involved in then you will have a ready made place IRL to vent about D issues.. You will come to realize that these people know exactly what you are saying because they have BTDT...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:55 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

tushnurse posted 1/24/2014 12:17 PM

I also think you need to consider this.

Your DD will be raised by a mom that demands the respect she deserves, and will be happy, and healthy.

This is far more important than worrying about if you are capable of fixing the garbage disposal, or changing a tire. It is also more important than worrying about inlaw drama, how holidays will be split, and school performances.

I would guess that you are a list maker in general, and tend to be focused on the things you can control. However I am betting your IC was wanting you to look at the possibilities of the positive things that come from D.

Like your daughter is young enough that she won't remember the time that you are unhappy. That your M was broken. She will remember that mom is amazingly organized, and taught me to respect myself and accept nothingless than complete respect, and awe from a man. You will also teach her that she needs a man for NOTHING.

You will be able to fix things on your own, you will figure out how to have a dinner on the table during the week, after working a full day, running to extracurricular activities for her, and even spending some time on yourself for whatever your interest is.

This is what I think you should be considering.

(((and strength)))

Nature_Girl posted 1/24/2014 12:24 PM

BINGO to what tushnurse said!

industriousbee posted 1/25/2014 21:53 PM

Doggie diva you raise a really good point. WH is not fully remorseful on top of me feeling like an A was a deal breaker. So even if I cannot fully make up my mind the A was a deal breaker I can make up my mind he has not done everything I have told him I needed: to go to IC and MC together regularly without me being the one yo schedule all the appointments and drag him along, read on his own, to be able to tell me why this happened and work on the root causes. Thank you all for your advice and support here

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