I hope we both find the peace we are looking for....
I used to think there was no way in hell my WBF could cheat because I KNEW him. He was a good, decent man, and I thought I knew what choices he would make.
I too struggle with that "stranger beside me" feeling, of feeling like you don't even know who he truly is anymore, when before the A, you probably felt like you knew him better than he knew himself...right?
Obviously I was wrong about my BF. But Also, I have to think that one mistake does not make a person who they are. If we were all judged only by our mistakes...even I'd be in trouble. lol
I also think that the EASY thing to do would be to leave. Maybe everyone wouldn't agree with me, but give yourself credit. You are doing the hardest thing...staying. It would be much easier in my opinion to just walk away. Its harder to stay and deal with all the ramifications of his actions, and the arguing and crying ect....
I feel like I rambled a bit, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
I'm sorry your feeling this way today, I'm sending you strength!
Together 9 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
I don't know what exactly I am mourning the loss of
I get what you are asking, and part of this is your brain trying to wrap itself around what happened, and how it happened. Ultimately for me, it came down to the fact that I had to accept that people change.
People change, and grown, and morph, and change some more. Like my Grandma always said the one thing you can count on is change. She was a wise woman.
My H was a changed man prior to his A, and during his A from the guy I met, and fell in love with. He certainly wasn't the father, and husband I married. The A guy was a self absorbed ass that loved to blame me for all the bad things in his life.
Post A, and I was one of the lucky once whose spouse got it, and took ownership of his mess fairly early on, he became a different man yet again. A man that had the courage to speak up and find the things that pleased him, but do it respectfully, he also made a goal in life to make his wife, and his kids smile everyday. So post A guy was different, and he was better, and he was healed, after a period of time.
I was able to accept it all, and be ok with reconciliation with him, because he wasn't that A guy anymore, he treated me with love, kindness and respect. Yes I wouldn't want my daughter or son to have to go through what we did, but I grew and became stronger through this too, and though I wouldn't want them to have that pain, I also would want them to be as happy and complete as we are now.
I hope this makes sense. Don't beat yourself up for your decisions, just pay attention to the person he is now. If he is kind loving respectful, and honest, then it will be ok. If he isn't all those things, then you can change your mind.
1- I did not have children with my ex but
still it was hard to walk away from a commitment to someone I love & divorce brings on so many unwanted changes.
To stay means you will never view him the same way again..that "specialness" is gone because he shared it with someone else.
Take all the time you need in decidin
Eventually the decision will become clear to you
Bionicgal: Thank you for reminding me that none of this is black and white. Most of the time I am painfully aware of this, but occasionally my mind gets the better of me.
Tushnurse: thank you for reminding me that I too am one of the lucky ones whose husband got it and is owning the mess that he created. He does treat me with love, kindness and respect these days; in the darker hours I sometimes feel that that is not enough. Thank you for sharing that in time that became enough for you. I will hold onto that, hoping that this will be the case for me as well someday.
The rest of you who responded to my post, I am sorry that you all could relate to my dilemma; it means that you have been decimated too by the person that you loved and trusted most in the world. This is a club I am sure we never thought we would have to become a part of, but I appreciate you all and thank you for reaching out. ((HUGS))
Cut your loses and run!!
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
It took me telling a dear friend who had no idea what we went through, and seeing her reaction and being just amazed that a couple as together and in love as we are had been through infidelity and came out ok. That's when it came full circle for me. We grew we changed we became stronger. It was worth it and I have nothing to be ashamed of.