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How do I reconcile the man I loved with the man he truly is???

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Neverwudaguessed posted 1/23/2014 14:00 PM

Anyone else struggling with that? I myself cannot believe that I solo misjudged the depth of my Husband's commitment. I knew his ex girlfriend was always lurking around, and I knew she would never give up, but I absolutely believed in the statement that it takes two, and it does! But I thought he so valued our life and our love, flawed as it was that he would NEVER let her into our lives. How could I be so worn, so stupid and how do I chose to stay when this is treatment that I would have walked away from if I had not been married, or if I had been married without children? I am so sad that I cannot be proud of him as I was before, that we cannot have an us against the word innocence, or I don't know what exactly I am mourning the loss of, I can't articulate it well today (tired). I am having trouble accepting that staying means that I will have to choose to accept treatment that neither my husband nor I would want for our own daughter's marriage when she grows up. How did I end up having to choose this or be divorced? How was I solo wrong about the man that I love???

StillStanding1 posted 1/23/2014 14:03 PM

Totally struggling with that. I hear you. I don't have any answers for you, just wanted you to know you are not alone.

I hope we both find the peace we are looking for....


AppalachianGal posted 1/23/2014 14:09 PM

Struggling with that as well.

4everfaithful83 posted 1/23/2014 14:10 PM

I think all of us feel this at some point. I read an article once that explained it somewhat. It said that the man (or woman) you thought you knew simply never existed.

I used to think there was no way in hell my WBF could cheat because I KNEW him. He was a good, decent man, and I thought I knew what choices he would make.

I too struggle with that "stranger beside me" feeling, of feeling like you don't even know who he truly is anymore, when before the A, you probably felt like you knew him better than he knew himself...right?

Obviously I was wrong about my BF. But Also, I have to think that one mistake does not make a person who they are. If we were all judged only by our mistakes...even I'd be in trouble. lol

I also think that the EASY thing to do would be to leave. Maybe everyone wouldn't agree with me, but give yourself credit. You are doing the hardest thing...staying. It would be much easier in my opinion to just walk away. Its harder to stay and deal with all the ramifications of his actions, and the arguing and crying ect....

I feel like I rambled a bit, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

I'm sorry your feeling this way today, I'm sending you strength!


StillLivin posted 1/23/2014 14:35 PM

I don't know what exactly I am mourning the loss of

You already stated some of the things you are mourning.
You thought he valued your life and your love enough to never let XGF in to destroy what you both have.
You are mourning the man you once were able to be proud of.
You are mourning the innocence the two of you shared pre A.
I don't know if my mourning touches yours, but I mourned the dreams for the future that we both, pre A, had. Now, I don't have those dreams anymore.
I mourn the man that I know he is capable of being, but chooses not to be.
I mourned the family unit of ALL of us. The simple and relaxed way we all were around each other.
I mourn the loss of innocence of my DSSs. They are horrified and disgusted with his actions and his treatment of the only mother they really had.
I mourn loss of faith I had in him and our love.
I mourn the knowledge that I knew what our future held and now it has all crumbled to dust.
Only you can come to decide which is better for you, R or D.
For me, I would have had those doubts and "what if" moments had I not given R my all.
I am proceeding through with D now. I will not look back and have regrets, and I am D'ing.
I send you hugs, prayers, and peace of mind so that you can make a wise choice for your future.

bionicgal posted 1/23/2014 14:56 PM

I would read the Positive Reconciliation stories, as they will help you see that there can be very successful relationships after an affair. I understand your feelings of loss, and those have to be dealt with, but it is not black and white. . . If your husband is remorseful, transparent, and works hard to make things right, then I think you will be surprised at what healing can occur.

tushnurse posted 1/23/2014 15:05 PM


I get what you are asking, and part of this is your brain trying to wrap itself around what happened, and how it happened. Ultimately for me, it came down to the fact that I had to accept that people change.

People change, and grown, and morph, and change some more. Like my Grandma always said the one thing you can count on is change. She was a wise woman.

My H was a changed man prior to his A, and during his A from the guy I met, and fell in love with. He certainly wasn't the father, and husband I married. The A guy was a self absorbed ass that loved to blame me for all the bad things in his life.

Post A, and I was one of the lucky once whose spouse got it, and took ownership of his mess fairly early on, he became a different man yet again. A man that had the courage to speak up and find the things that pleased him, but do it respectfully, he also made a goal in life to make his wife, and his kids smile everyday. So post A guy was different, and he was better, and he was healed, after a period of time.

I was able to accept it all, and be ok with reconciliation with him, because he wasn't that A guy anymore, he treated me with love, kindness and respect. Yes I wouldn't want my daughter or son to have to go through what we did, but I grew and became stronger through this too, and though I wouldn't want them to have that pain, I also would want them to be as happy and complete as we are now.

I hope this makes sense. Don't beat yourself up for your decisions, just pay attention to the person he is now. If he is kind loving respectful, and honest, then it will be ok. If he isn't all those things, then you can change your mind.

((((and strength))))

JerseyCowgirl posted 1/23/2014 15:23 PM

You were not wrong about him & you did not mis-judge his commitment - He changed. You are mourning a loss because you were handed a crisis that gives you a choice of 2 ways to handle it...neither of which is a good choice!

1- I did not have children with my ex but
still it was hard to walk away from a commitment to someone I love & divorce brings on so many unwanted changes.

To stay means you will never view him the same way again..that "specialness" is gone because he shared it with someone else.

Take all the time you need in decidin

Eventually the decision will become clear to you

norabird posted 1/23/2014 15:26 PM

This confusion really seems like the hardest to handle for my case I had to realize he simply CAN'T be who I thought he was, but that may not be in your case. And if he CAN be/is, that is why you try to R.

Neverwudaguessed posted 1/25/2014 10:41 AM

Thank you all for sharing your struggles and your insight about this with me.
4everfaithful; I agree with you 100% that the easier thing would be to just cut our losses and walk away with a fresh new start, not having to struggle with accepting behavior that we thought we would never accept because we deserve better. I am sorry that you are grappling with this too.
StillLivin: I too am mourning the dreams that I had for our future before I knew what he had done. I also mourn the loss of the faith AND pride that I had in the man I was sure he was. I believed in him and his commitment and love, and the idea that he valued what he had built together as special, whether we had issues or not. I am sorry that the future you planned has been so drastically changed and I hope that the decision to divorce brings you some sense of peace, a fresh new start that allows you to create new dreams.

Bionicgal: Thank you for reminding me that none of this is black and white. Most of the time I am painfully aware of this, but occasionally my mind gets the better of me.
Tushnurse: thank you for reminding me that I too am one of the lucky ones whose husband got it and is owning the mess that he created. He does treat me with love, kindness and respect these days; in the darker hours I sometimes feel that that is not enough. Thank you for sharing that in time that became enough for you. I will hold onto that, hoping that this will be the case for me as well someday.
The rest of you who responded to my post, I am sorry that you all could relate to my dilemma; it means that you have been decimated too by the person that you loved and trusted most in the world. This is a club I am sure we never thought we would have to become a part of, but I appreciate you all and thank you for reaching out. ((HUGS))

mj052 posted 1/25/2014 12:10 PM

The man you thought you knew- the man you loved and who you thought loved you as well- just isn't the same person!!! It took me forever to get this!! He still looks the same- but he's a monster inside!!

Cut your loses and run!!

SadInNC posted 1/25/2014 12:52 PM

Yes, I feel the same way. I am mourning the loss of my beautiful innocent happy marriage. He killed it as soon as he decided to have the A and everything from that point on was a lie. Since I only get TT, I'm not even sure exactly when the lie began so it adds to my pain. What was real? When did we have anything good and innocent? I am heartbroken and I totally understand how you are feeling.

tushnurse posted 1/25/2014 15:04 PM

I si know that some ws's just never get it. I had always PROUDLY stated that should my Hcheat I was done and he would be lucky to come out of it alive.
What I learned was when your a mom and a wife that the choice to simply walkv away may not be in everyone's best interest.
I hAd decided well before DDay that I would be willing to give R a try. This was my choice and was based in
Many reasons. It did take me months to accept that choosing r wasn't a sissies path, that I had nothing to be ashamed of. It took me years to accept that my choice was an amazing gift that should be respected and inspire others to try hard in life.

It took me telling a dear friend who had no idea what we went through, and seeing her reaction and being just amazed that a couple as together and in love as we are had been through infidelity and came out ok. That's when it came full circle for me. We grew we changed we became stronger. It was worth it and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Katz13 posted 1/25/2014 17:18 PM

I am going through the same sort of thing. I am giving R a try and some days feel like a doormat for doing so. How judge mental was I about other people's relationships pre D day! It feels like my WH is getting away without much consequence and that troubles me. I decided to stick it out and see what the future holds because he is remorseful. He quit his job. The affair was with a co~worker. He agreed to NC and allowed me access to his phone. We started going to MC. Something he refused to do pre-Dday. He also has been very kind and attentive since D-day. Having said all that, forgiveness seems impossible and I struggle on an hourly basis. Please know you are not alone. I send prayers of peace and happiness your way. Tush nurse, I love your post! It gave me hope on a dreary day.

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