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twillett333 posted 1/23/2014 14:50 PM

Dday was last Tuesday. We literally talked all day Sunday to discuss what we both wanted. We (I) have decided to reconcile and stay together. Things are getting better...he is no longer picking fights with me, he isn't pushing me away and communication is much, much better. The only thing is he makes jokes about his affair. I just don't like it. Period. He says its his way of dealing with everything. It's only been a week and its just way to soon to be making light of this. Am I right?

bionicgal posted 1/23/2014 14:52 PM

Yes, if that is how you feel, then you are right. This is a good chance to work on communication and respecting each other's feelings. ; )

Hang in there -- at one week I could barely function. I suggest getting "Not Just Friends" and finding a MC, if you can.

Pentup posted 1/23/2014 14:56 PM

You are right. Joking is a common coping mechanism. Use it myself. But if you are at all empathetic, you do not joke about something that is painful for someone until you know how that will be received. And if you try it once and it is shut down, you stop.

I am guessing this is how your spouse handles stressful things. Now is a good time to change your communication styles to something that works for both of you.

If he had an industrial accident that ripped off his penis, would he want you joking about it while he was still bleeding? Doubt it.

Rebreather posted 1/23/2014 15:01 PM

It is totally acceptable to nix that behavior. He is probably super uncomfortable and his communication skills are challenged - but this the time and opportunity to grow and learn better skills.

unfound posted 1/23/2014 15:23 PM

If his way of dealing with things is hurting you, then he needs to find another coping mechanism. Using humor can be a way of avoiding, and not wanting to face things or minimizing the severity of the situation.

H and I also use humor in coping. Still, almost 8 years out and we don't joke about it. Ever. Nor can I foresee a time that I would be okay with it. We do kid about our progress, but the affair itself? I don't think so sparky.

At a week out? nope.

Skan posted 1/23/2014 20:36 PM

It may be a coping mechanization, but it's also a way of distancing youself so that you don't FEEL your feelings. You turn them aside and don't take a long look at them and figure out what they mean.

This is a trigger-thing for me.

FWH would turn aside all serious attempts to connect with humor. He would PA try to score points on you with cruel humor. He would use humor to gage how much you were paying attention when he tried to slip something by you. And he would grin-fuck you saying whatever you needed/wanted to hear in a jovial way, while thinking No Fucking Way Am I Going To Do That in his mind, so as to keep you off of his back.

One of the things that attracted us to each other was our senses of humor. One of the things that is a trigger to me is that sense of humor right now. One of the things that we are fighting to create balance for, is what, exactly is a healthy sense of humor. Because I refuse to let any of that shit go by any more.

His joking of the A is him dis-respecting your feelings and minimizing the effects of the A. As if, if it's sorta funny, then it can't be bad now, can it?

Call him on that and nip that right in the bud. Its about as funny as having him served with divorce papers during his mother & father's anniversary dinner.

twillett333 posted 1/23/2014 22:56 PM

Thanks everyone. I'm going to have a talk with him soon about how this makes me feel. I see no need for joking about this because it isn't funny at all and my heart is still broken over it

gonnabe2016 posted 1/23/2014 23:35 PM

Whenever he does this, you stop. Look him square in the eye. And you tell him to stop making jokes about it because there is NOTHING remotely 'funny' about the situation. Then you turn on your heel and you walk away.

I don't see this as a situation where you need to sit down and have a 'hearts & flowers' talk about your feelings. Even if the joking around is a coping mechanism for him (and it does seem to be), it is disrespectful of your feelings. Disrespect should not be treated lightly....he has disrespected you enough already.

Use your actions first....and then, at a later time, if he comes to you about it, have *the talk*.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:36 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]