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Ambergray posted 1/23/2014 15:09 PM

fWH and I have been very good lately, he was very remorseful after dday and really is willing to do anythinge to help me heal. I'd feel like I had won the husband lottery if the while A wasn't part of this picture.

Anyway, sorry if tmi, but I'm about to start, have PMS and just really emotional this week. Even though we are 7 months out from dday, I start feeling like I have all these questions this week.

One of the things I found out on dday was the first time FWH and OW were physical, he did not wear a condom because it wasn't planned. They had sex 5 more times after that day and he did have a condom. I asked him today how he had one the next times and he said he told her after the first time he was unprepared and wanted to have them for the next time. Ok, this is not a huge revelation, but for some reason it hit me so hard today- he planned to have sex with her again immediately afterwards. I don't know why this is hitting me so hard now. I have known about the other times, but today it just hits me so hard that he planned on having more. I'm just sick. Sick, sick, sick...

Morhurt posted 1/23/2014 15:16 PM

We're 7 months out too and you know, some days (especially during PMS) these things just hit and hurt. It's good you talked to him, for me that's key. If he can listen and hear me and feel empathy and remorse I can work through the painful thoughts. They hurt like he77 at the time but it eases and I feel lighter for it.

Everyone says we're still in the early stages at 7 months out, there's a lot to process. Be kind to yourself on these difficult days. Get take out and stay in bed or whatever feels like self care.

Lovedyoumore posted 1/23/2014 15:17 PM

I am nearly 3 years out and still get upset when I realize little nuances of the A. I know the big things, but occasionally you have second and third thoughts about it and those thoughts hurt like hell. They just hit you and you ask more questions, get more info, and things fall into place a little better. I have to think of it as coming into focus. On DDay, everything was blurry and out of focus. Questions and answers brought the big objects into focus, but small things were still blurry. Now, as we fine tune with follow up questions, even the small things become more and more crisp and in focus. It hurts sometimes, but I really need the clear view rather than the blur. Look at it like progress and maybe it will help with the pain a bit.

3kids30years posted 1/23/2014 15:59 PM

10 months out here - and WH *just* let me know that he bought the large, economy size box of condoms after the first "mistake". He did not use for the first physical encounter - it was an accident. As was the meet up for drinks, the drive over to her place after drinks, the removing of clothes, and ending up having sex in the kitchen, apparently.

WTF. You planned to use the whole box? I wonder how long it lasted, and now I feel like I have to ask if he bought a SECOND box..............

When he told me lovely piece of information, I went right back to square one, again.
The TT is gonna be the death of this marriage. Who are you really protecting?

((ambergray))

3k30y

Hurtandhealer posted 1/23/2014 16:46 PM

I actually went past your post at first and posted my own thread because I've been having similar problems recently, and then I realized in going back that I was 7 months out from d-day this past Sunday. Well, my second d-day. One of the worst things for me is that I first found out about the relationship 4 months prior, but he told me that they hadn't gone that far and he would stop. He lied to me the entire time. And now I'm right in the middle of the 1 year anniversary of the affair. Sunday marks a year since their first kiss. Next Saturday will be the anniversary of the first d-day. For some reason, being surrounded by the dates makes it so much harder. I can't stop myself from thinking, one year ago today is when they were doing this. One year ago today he was lying to me about everything. It's really hard. I feel like I should be in a so much better place, but I just can't let the calendar and the memories go. And I still obsess over the questions. Is he telling me the WHOLE truth of what they did? So it feels like day 1 for me too after 7 months. I don't have any advice, but it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one that hasn't moved past it by now.

bionicgal posted 1/23/2014 16:59 PM

8 months out. . .also PMSing, and had the unprotected sex meltdown 2 weeks ago. So, we are all on schedule!

Ambergray, when we hear the details, that is how we feel -- gutted. Ill. Like we can never love this person. . .touch this person (!), again. How could we? It is too much to handle.

But, our brains and our psyches are amazing, healing organisms. Every time the WS tells the truth, is remorseful, and helps us through the quagmire - we get stronger, and we (hopefully) get closer. The pain will lessen. There are things my H told me early on that made me so disgusted that I thought I might throw up - and so hurt I thought my heart might just stop. But, time goes on, and some of these things I can even (if you can believe it) laugh about now. Time and perspective.

Sending healing vibes your way -- it will get better.

FeelingSoMuch posted 1/23/2014 17:03 PM

The intensity of the pain ebbs and wanes for me, too.

About the condom, although this isn't going to feel positive given how much you're hurting, it actually is a positive that your WH moved to wearing a condom.

Seriously, even if people start with condoms when they're having an A, they usually quickly move away from them. It's a plus (I know, a very small plus) that your WW did that.

My WW did the opposite. Grrrr.

(Very small) praise for him.

mchercheur posted 1/23/2014 19:00 PM

2 1/2 years out & time does help.

I do remember (like it was yesterday) 2 mos after Dday, finding a new box of condoms in the trunk of WH's car that he had bought to use with her---a couple were missing. The receipt from the drugstore was still in the bag, & I was able to piece together that he had had sex with her on a Friday night, come home & gotten into bed with me ( I have since asked if he showered before getting into bed with me, but he doesn't remember), then on Saturday morning we all (WH, I & the 4 kids) went for a family dentist appt. After the appt, he drove our younger son someplace, & stopped in the drugstore next door to where our son was dropped off. So, the entire time that he was sitting next to me in the dentist's waiting room, he was planning how right after the appt he was going to buy condoms to use with her.

This is the man who I stood together with, so many years ago, in front of family, friends, & clergy & said marriage vows with.

It hurts. I know.

(((Ambergray)))

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:16 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]