FIRST POST
I found out I was pregnant November 26th. Super happy.
Broke news to family December 24th about new baby to arrive.
Found out about husband "A" December 28th. The OW was a Co-worker, who moved and the PA part of the affair ended 3 months after it started. There was contact in the 3 months after the move, but it was very infrequent and did not have a caring or affectionate tone at all (text/emails). It seemed to serve the soul purpose of re-living the PA.
We had some long hard talks about the "A", during which it was decided that we would try and work through this. It might seem like a quick time to make a decision like that but we both felt very strongly about not letting our marriage of 9+ years go over 6 months of bad. Especially since we had a baby on the way and another child already here. My husband stressed to me that his having the "A" had nothing to do with his being unhappy with me or our marriage. He also stressed that it was a very one-sided "A", that was on his terms and to his benefit only. From the evidence I have seen, found and heard it seems to support that.
We started marriage counseling and my husband has done all the right things that he can and a lot have been voluntary.
Now that you have some background what I really wanted to say today is...I've seen the light.
Here is what that means to me. First of all, I re-read the 180, and did a 180 myself. I realize that really is the ticket to making this work. Even if you aren't and maybe especially if you aren't going to R, it is something to live by. I had been feeling sad, and rightfully so, about every little detail. How I'd been wronged and there was a lot of self pitty. I thought if I was sad in front of my husband I would get a caring hug or attention so I didn't turn it off for him. Sometimes I would get what I was looking for and then yesterday after a stupid fight about the "A" I realized what that way of getting affection was costing me. His respect. I was indirectly pushing him away. I can't make him feel any worse for what he did and even if I could what good would that do. Besides my dwelling on the sadness only makes me sadder.
I decided that I was not going to do that anymore. In front of him, no matter how hard, I would practice the 180 rules. As much as I need to see his efforts and changes, he needs to know that this situation will not break me. He needs to know that I mean what I say when I tell him I want to work through this. He needs to know that I'm not going to use the "A" as a tool to manipulate him and his behavior. The most important part is that I need to know I can make it through and this "A" does not define me or my marriage and I know the 180 is the start to that.
I know this was long but I wanted to share and hope to share more in the near future.
180...learn it, live it!
Me:BW 38
Him: fWH 39
1 DD 8yrs old, one on the way then miscarried Jan 2014
Pregnant again, due May, 3015- I must be crazy.
DDay 12/28/2013
In R and taking one step at a time.