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FoggedIn posted 1/23/2014 15:52 PM

How do you stop the tears?

Sometimes I go days without a single tear. Usually I can maintain fine until my quite time at night before I breakdown. But the last couple of days have been rough. Today as I sit at my desk (luckily my office is on our property, self employed business owner) I can't make the tears stop. Sobbing uncontrollably. I have a massive amount of work to accomplish, deadlines quickly approaching, so I try to work through the blurred vision, the wet keyboard & more than cluttered mind.

How do you make you head & tears stop so you can carry on with your day?

Kalliopeia posted 1/23/2014 15:59 PM

sometimes you just have to cry. I have cried while working, too. They just come.

scarednbroken posted 1/23/2014 16:16 PM

You can't. It is a body's natural response to relieving stress. It's part of being human. Some are more prone than others. You are under a lot of stress. If you hold it in, it can cause health issues - heart, lung, brain, other organs will absorb the stress. Not good. Just cry it out. And let it go. I noticed my migraines started being less frequent when I just let myself cry or scream out my stress.

seenow posted 1/23/2014 16:24 PM

Don't stop the tears! Let them out. There are hormones and chemicals in them that release stress. Really!

Close the door or walk outside and just let them come. Feel your feelings. Feel the injustice and hurt. For how long? I don't know maybe a good 20 minutes.

Then take that long shuddering cleansing breath and refocus.

This is what I do and it helps. Maybe for you too.

BrokenMomof2 posted 1/23/2014 16:54 PM

You just have to let them come. I used to choke them back all the time. I felt bad that I had to hide in my bedroom or bathroom from my kids. Once I started to let myself really feel whatever I was feeling at that moment the crying episodes really started to lessen.
What also helped me was buying a punching bag. When I start crying because of how angry I am I go beat the hell out of that while I cry. I feel so much better when Im done.

hopefullromantic posted 1/23/2014 16:59 PM

I was not a lucky, self employed business owner. For the most part I went to work and put on a brave face. Only my office mate noticed that I was quieter and seemed a little sad at times.

Then I would go home. I would often sit in the car sobbing for a while before I would go in.

Take it easy on yourself.

JerseyCowgirl posted 1/23/2014 17:20 PM

You can't stop the tears & you should not. They are your release. I had to constantly get up and go walk some hard Laps around the building. It helped it work out faster. I know what its like...just breaking down. It will lessen with time but not as soon as we wish it to. Hang in there. If you are able to go to work right now speaks volumes for your strength!

marionwendy posted 1/23/2014 17:28 PM

This was me yesterday. I just cried all day and uncontrollably. I feel better today but there are days that I cry anywhere, in the shower, in the car, in the mall, at work and on my computer. I think it is a definite way of releasing stress. Oh how I wish it wasn't like this and I also wish that our WS new how much trauma they have put into our lives. Makes me sad I hope you feel better soon.

Skan posted 1/23/2014 19:17 PM

It's better to get the tears out rather than have them fester inside. However, there are times when you'd just like to postphone them. Especially at work if you have a rather important meeting, time crunch, etc.

Some of the tricks I used when I absolutely had to:

*Drive my tongue up into my upper palate (the soft part). For whatever reason, that seems to make crying difficult.

*Look at your hand and look at the way the bone of your thumb goes into your hand and joins up with the bone of your forefinger. See how the flesh in-between the two fingers makes a triangle. Use the thumb and forefinger of your other hand and pinch the fleshy part of that triangle HARD. As hard as you can or, as hard as it takes to dry up the tears.

*Carry 2-3 tissues with you folded up, and apologize for your horrible allergy attack. Blow your nose as well as wiping your eyes. In SoCA, I blamed plants that were blooming, even in the winter because we get crazy hot weather here which can make them bloom in the middle of winter (and usually everyone else is having allergy attacks too). If you're somewhere where it snows, blame an unknown allergy that you and your doctor are working on.

*"I apologize, I just received some bad news about a family member. Please pay no attention to how I look, working is the best thing for me right now." Or course, if you're not careful, you can easily run out of relatives this way if you overuse this one.

*Really disturbing fantasies. I would start to get upset and I would kill off FWH (mentally) in graphic and creative ways. Torture, bone breakage, nothing was off limits.

It's rough. I totally empathize with you. I was "lucky" enough to have the first few months after DDay occur when my boss was pulling double duty getting a degree and was out on sabbatical for a lot of it so I was the only person holding down the fort. After my DDay #2 aka A Big F-ing Lie Revealed, I let my boss know I was having marriage problems. Having supported her through her divorce, she was more than willing to not notice me in distress unless I needed an ear for about 5 minutes.

FoggedIn posted 1/23/2014 20:35 PM

I pulled an 11 hour work day to try & make up for the time I was useless today. Which I'm afraid has left me more exhausted & emotional to boot. Especially since I cried half of the time for the last 3 hours.

I desperately wanted to get off work, come in, grab a glass of wine & a bath & meltdown in peace. Instead I came home to a house full of people. Our grown son, his wife, the grandbaby, our college son & his friend, plus the 2 kids we still have at home. After I said to WH I was having a really rough day & would be working late to make up for the wasted time. He sounded as though he understood, because he was planning on bringing out granddaughter home with him & said since I had a rough day he would not. He claims to 'get it' then goes to extremes to show me how much he really doesn't get it.

It's no wonder I've cried myself sick today. I'm so tired. And feel like I'm not coping very well. I need a second wave of breath to get through this.

FoggedIn posted 1/24/2014 10:07 AM

Determined today will be a better day!

I'm going to try some of the suggestions you gave Skan. Although I did use waterproof mascara as per usual!

Cancelled our MC session this morning until WH has a few more IC sessions. No point going to MC until he gets his shi* worked out, or at least more in the process of working it out. Also think I will look for a new MC. Pretty sure ours is not the right one, he talks more about communication and how great we are at it and how we don't really need him and how perfect we are.....blah blah. Bunch of BS! He has yet to address the A. Never drug any of it out to try and deal with it at all. More so trying to deal with the typical topics of marriage and your run of the mill issues.

Anyway, thanks again for all your help & listening as usual! Eventually I'll be helpful to one of you I pray!

norabird posted 1/24/2014 10:18 AM

Definitely get a new MC! Ugh. How useless.

As for crying...letting it out really is good, if you can spare ten or twenty minutes from your routine when the tears come. I think it helps in a deep way to feel the feelings.

FoggedIn posted 1/24/2014 11:55 AM


Super useless! If we were just having a 'routine' marriage conflict maybe he would be a fine MC, certainly not in this situation!

Finding those 20 minutes is a bit challenging. Last night when I finally got my wine and bath time I was grateful for peace a quite & I'll be damned if when I finally let the tears come and didn't hold back and DD6 (she's 13) came bursting in the bathroom. (happens often, she's got her own set of boundary issues!) She's definitely not use to seeing Mom having a breakdown, eyes as big as saucers, as a quickly kicked her out. Ugh, maybe now when I tell her to respect a closed door and that I like my privacy when I'm taking a bath, she'll respect it. I felt like crap!!!

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