As you may know, I have been swimming in the sea of guilt shame and unworthiness for a while. After a lot of reading, and reading and thinking and feeling, I woke up with a little different thought process, not sure why. I went to bad thinking, who am I , who is this person, what have I become. I can't live like this, I've been living like this too long, I wanted to give up.
Thankfully, my children reminded me how much I am loved and needed. My son got sick yesterday had to go get him from the school and even though he was sick he was so happy to see me. I could make things right for him. I carried him, I cleaned up the bathroom after he didn't make the toilet, and gave him a bath. Good thing I am stronger than my size. lol But the security he had by just me being there, reminded me how much I am worth and loved.
This I think may have given me a wake up to get out of this shame sess pool I've made, I can keep swimming in and doing no one any good. All it does is keeps me punished, keeps me down, keeps me down in the lowest self hating selfloathing place I can be. But I know it, Its comforting, I can live this way, cause I know it. To step out it I have to say I deserve to be happy I deserve to love and to be loved.
And what if my BH sees me growing , and living , what if he can't and I do, he will hate me more, so I can't get out I have to stay here. Self punishment, make sure your not better. these thoughts have been running through my head as well.
THese are not healthy thoughts, very destructive and do not work well for R either, It holds me back, it stops me from being open, it stops me from loving fully, it stops me from accepting me, and what my BH says and does.
So going to bed with that , I woke up this morning, you need to get dressed you need to remember what is important to me. I had to stand up with my back straitened my heart open, and look in the mirror and see me. And see that girl who that is afraid to come out, who is afraid to ask , who is afraid not to be heard, who is afraid of never being accepted or loved, and told her to come out, I can protect you, we have learnt. WE will be together now, I will not let you down.
Its another new start to a day and I can still feel this way in the middle of the afternoon, I am going to hold on to this.
Thanks for listening.