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Joanh posted 1/23/2014 16:02 PM

As you may know, I have been swimming in the sea of guilt shame and unworthiness for a while. After a lot of reading, and reading and thinking and feeling, I woke up with a little different thought process, not sure why. I went to bad thinking, who am I , who is this person, what have I become. I can't live like this, I've been living like this too long, I wanted to give up.

Thankfully, my children reminded me how much I am loved and needed. My son got sick yesterday had to go get him from the school and even though he was sick he was so happy to see me. I could make things right for him. I carried him, I cleaned up the bathroom after he didn't make the toilet, and gave him a bath. Good thing I am stronger than my size. lol But the security he had by just me being there, reminded me how much I am worth and loved.

This I think may have given me a wake up to get out of this shame sess pool I've made, I can keep swimming in and doing no one any good. All it does is keeps me punished, keeps me down, keeps me down in the lowest self hating selfloathing place I can be. But I know it, Its comforting, I can live this way, cause I know it. To step out it I have to say I deserve to be happy I deserve to love and to be loved.

And what if my BH sees me growing , and living , what if he can't and I do, he will hate me more, so I can't get out I have to stay here. Self punishment, make sure your not better. these thoughts have been running through my head as well.

THese are not healthy thoughts, very destructive and do not work well for R either, It holds me back, it stops me from being open, it stops me from loving fully, it stops me from accepting me, and what my BH says and does.

So going to bed with that , I woke up this morning, you need to get dressed you need to remember what is important to me. I had to stand up with my back straitened my heart open, and look in the mirror and see me. And see that girl who that is afraid to come out, who is afraid to ask , who is afraid not to be heard, who is afraid of never being accepted or loved, and told her to come out, I can protect you, we have learnt. WE will be together now, I will not let you down.

Its another new start to a day and I can still feel this way in the middle of the afternoon, I am going to hold on to this.

Thanks for listening.

HUFI-PUFI posted 1/23/2014 16:20 PM


Joanh - (I) told her to come out, I can protect you, we have learnt. We will be together now, I will not let you down.

This is a great affirmation and a very positive step in the right direction. You have seen how the negative pulls you down and you now can see how emphasizing the positive gives you strength, conviction and self-esteem.

You got one morning in, a afternoon almost finished and after tonight, you just need to repeat this message tomorrow. One day at a time. Hell, one hour at a time if you have too. Hold onto it!


Unknown Poster - While my wife hasn't forgiven me and may never, just the fact that she is willing to try provides tremendous hope. Hope is what pulls me through every single day living with what I've done. That same hope makes me want to work even harder to salvage the wreck I made of our M. I only pray I'm up to the task because I know this is something I will have to work at for the rest of my life so I don't return to that dark place I was before. Hope.

cdnmommy posted 1/23/2014 16:37 PM

This is great to read!

I know for me when my FWH stopped the self loathing it was a huge move forward for us as a couple. I admit that his shame (as opposed to guilt) made me feel like he was still unsafe for me. Shame is a huge barrier to intimacy and is just not healthy.

But regardless of what this means for your R, you owe it to yourself to break that cycle. Keep up the self talk!


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