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Why would she keep having sex with me and him?

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suchislife01 posted 1/23/2014 16:27 PM

I found out my wife of 13 years is having an affair.

We had been having problems for the past 3 years, she would be very violent and abusive toward me. I shut down and told her I wanted out of the marriage and asked to tell me if she wanted the same.

I asked her to let me know if before starting a new relationship with anyone else and not to be intimate with me if she did.

She met another married man with 3 children and have been carrying on with him for the past two years.

I asked her why would she be sleeping with both of us and not just choose one and let me go.

She said to me that she still loved me and wanted to find the connection when we first met.

That sex with him was okay, but empty, while with me it made her furious...

64fleet posted 1/23/2014 16:30 PM

simply, she could. Mine did the same thing.

RealityStinks posted 1/23/2014 16:31 PM

To answer your question: because she's a cake eater. She wants the comfort of having you around, but she likes the thrill of him.

totalheartbreak posted 1/23/2014 16:32 PM

I'm so sorry suchislife01...

I don't know the answers but find myself in a similar boat. :-(

Take care of yourself. Eat/sleep/focus on a hobby.

Read the healing library at the top left.

See if your WW wants to get into MC/IC to figure out the why but be prepared to never know the answer... :-(

TXBW68 posted 1/23/2014 17:42 PM

Mine was "in lurve" with #3 for more than 2 years, yet he stayed with me and never stopped having sex with me. Then he was "in lurve" with #4 for 3 months before I found out about her and we separated.

We are reconciled now. But I have asked him what #3 and #4 thought about him continuing to have sex with me while he was "in lurve" with them. He said that it was never an issue. They expected him to continue being physical with me.

Bottom line - They are all broken. We can't understand their mindset because we are not broken. Sometimes, we just have to give up trying to understand their brokenness and take care of ourselves.


Skan posted 1/23/2014 19:35 PM

Because you are present to be her backup. While she is married to you, she has a certain standard of living, of chores being done, of give-and-take for running errands, child care, social obligations, etc. With the OM there's the fantasy excitement, the pretending that you are Romeo & Juliet and but for circumstance - you would have it all! The appeal of always seeing someone that says the right things, does the right things, and is glossy and never farts. Getting to go to the Ball (pun definitely intended) with the Prince every time.

It's totally selfish. Dog in the manger. You see, you become Plan B, the backup, in case things don'w work out, the "known" quality, while she gets to search out Romance! Lurve! Excitement! Thrills! STDs! And all that other fairy-land bull.

She will string you along, with minimal gestures, for as long as YOU allow it. Yank the rug out from under her. Because until you do, she will be only too happy to let things go on as they are, no matter how much pain it gives you.

suchislife01 posted 1/24/2014 08:04 AM

Thank you guys for your replies.

DDay was January 13, I had stayed home to do some catch up paperwork when she was out taking the kids to school and left her phone charging.

Her phone rang and the number calling was an out of state number that had several txt messages saved.

I read those and in them she was really using terms of endearment toward the OM and in one of them she asked him how was his Christmas, and if he got the presents he wanted. That if he was nice, maybe he would get lucky to open her present....

My whole world collapsed.

In 2010 the company I worked for when bankrupt, I had to take a job with a company that paid a bit less in terms of dollars but almost required twice the hours.

We have three children 13, 11, and 9, so I went to work to pay the mortgage and support the family. I have been working long hours since then, and she told me I became distant and pulled away, in that she is right. I did only focused in working hard to keep it together financially.

She tells me that she felt, abandoned, neglected, and rejected by me. That every time that she told me to work less hours I would get angry. I would get angry because she would not help me keep the budget, she would continue to spend like before I had been laid off.

Well, we became insulting and disrespectful to each other to the point that I would stop talking to her.

I must admit there were time after fighting she would cry and I would approach to console her and she would lash out at me, I would not insists and would tell her to go screw her self.

I became jaded and bitter.

From when we met, things were much more different. We were both in excellent shape, in my teens and early twenties I had been bodybuilding and was something of a ladies man. She was very sexy and even after three children she has kept the same weight and shape as when we first met.

I am 5'11" and when I met her was 220 Lbs of very lean muscle, and stayed petty much that way until about 3 years ago when I went up to 290 lbs with most of my weight going to my gut.

At the beginning and up until my layoff we were very loving and intense with each other, very sexual and intimate with one another.

I started going back to the gym back in November of 2013 and I am currently down to 255 Lbs. My old shape is fast coming back and that has made me feel real good.

This thing though, has destroyed my heart and ego. By nature I am a very competitive man, and cannot fathom being second to this guy.

I asked her to tell me everything and to give it to me straight, no holds barred thinking that she would spare my feelings of hurt. I told her I need to know everything and every detail.

After a day, we sat down and talked, she told me she felt lost, and abandoned by me. That she found the OM attractive and that she liked him. I asked him what is it that she liked about him, she told me that she like the idea of getting fixed up and dolled up for him, but after being with him she would feel ashamed and disgusted with herself. That many times she would have to leave and ask herself what the hell she was doing when she had her husband at home.

I had her tell me about the sexual positions, and what they talked about. I asked her if she had made plans with him for the future and she said no.

From what she told me, the guy is not even close to the man that I am, but that made it even worst for me because it made me rage inside. How could she go for someone so freaking inferior than me I thought.

In a fit of controlled anger, I told her to give me his number, she did and I called the OM. He didn't answer, but in front of her I said "Hey Peter, this is Charles, you can keep my whore" left the message and hung up.

She started to cry uncontrollably, telling me how much shame she felt and if that was really necessary for me to do. I said to her, yes, that was necessary for me to do, so you and him know I will not be anyone's second choice, and will not take his sloppy seconds.

I took the children to my mother-in-law and left them with her a few days, picking them up and taking them to school while the rest of the story trickle out of her.

[This message edited by suchislife01 at 8:19 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

Merlin posted 1/24/2014 08:16 AM

Many waywards use existing, faithful spouses as some sort of safety net. They seem to believe that if things don't go well with the affair partner that they can just return to the marriage as though nothing happened.

Meanwhile, the faithful spouse gets all the 'joys' of marriage - children cared for, bills paid, house safe, clean and repaired, finances managed - all the mundane things that make married life work while the wayward enjoys 'new love' (ick).

For me, being safety net and training wheels were not part of the marriage vows I loved my now ex-wife desperately. But when she refused to drop OM, I filed the same day.

mchercheur posted 1/24/2014 08:45 AM

Hi suchislife01,
Welcome to SI. Sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us BSs. I wish I had found this site so close to Dday, like you did, but I did not find it until 1 1/2 yrs later. I would have done things much differently . You will find a lot of support, comfort, & wisdom here, because we all know exactly how you feel, & have BTDT. Also, even tho each person's situation is slightly different with different details, there are common dynamics with all cheaters.

Your WW ended your marriage by what she did. If you both want to rebuild a new marriage, she has to go completely no contact with POSOM. Together you should write a No Contact letter to OM & then mail it. It should say something like:
Dear OM,
Becoming involved with you was the worst mistake of my life. I love suchislife01, & am completely committed to him. Never contact me again.
Mrs. suchislife01

If you don't like that version, you can ask others on here: there have been many other good versions on here before.

Your WW must be completely honest & transparent---give you all of her passwords. There should be no more secrets between you.
She needs to write you a timeline of everything that happened. You will need this timeline in order to process the betrayal---otherwise, you will always wonder if you know everything & it will be more difficult to learn to trust her again.
Also, if you can, MC can help a lot, if you have a good MC.
Best of luck to you. Keep reading & posting on here----it will help you a lot.
Sending you strength.

suchislife01 posted 1/24/2014 08:59 AM


Thank you.

Right now the emotions are very raw, and the roller coaster is making living a very hell on earth.

What I am looking for right now is for WS to tell me how is it that they can have sex with their husband and the other man at the same time. How can they live with themselves doing that, for whatever reasons.

I hate surprises, since as far as I can remember I have hated surprises.

If I was going to have sex outside the marriage, I would just end the marriage and advice her as painful as it were what and why I was doing such.

tearingaway posted 1/24/2014 09:06 AM

There's nothing like cake-eating. Talk to an attorney immediately. You owe that to yourself.

RyeBread posted 1/24/2014 09:46 AM

What I am looking for right now is for WS to tell me how is it that they can have sex with their husband and the other man at the same time. How can they live with themselves doing that, for whatever reasons.


My WW did the same thing. It's call compartmentalization. They have their fantasy man on the side and then they have the stable comfortable man at home. They separate the two and justify it in their own minds. Yes, it's fucked up and hard to understand. You echo the questions I have asked myself so many times. You may or may not find those answers. It's up to your WW to figure that out and explain it to you, without blameshifting or justifying it by manipulating you.

You'll get through this hell on earth I promise. At the beginning its very difficult. But as time passes you will get back some sense of normalcy. In the meantime I suggest you take your time to get yourself grounded again. You don't have to make any decisions really but getting some advice from a lawyer and taking care of yourself is priority number one.

You will get through this.

mchercheur posted 1/24/2014 10:23 AM

There is a Betrayed Men thread in the "I Can Relate" Forum that will probably be a big help to you also.
Also, I forgot to mention before, but you (& WW, if you intend to stay together) need to get tested for STDs. Yep, we have all BTDT. This is the torture our WSs have brought into our lives.
What you are feeling right now is normal.
Believe me, I am 2 1/2 years out, & it does get better with time. Our R is going well. But it is a real rollercoaster.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:31 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

sisoon posted 1/24/2014 10:44 AM

2 other explanations, though I'm a BS, not a WS as you requested...

1) om could have threatened to out her if she stopped. The threats could be subtle or not.

2) It could be sort of a habit. Suppose your W refused sex at the start of a session, and then om says, 'But we had sex last time. Why not now?' Really - how's a fogged-up WS probably going to answer to that except with giving in?

3) WRT the NC letter, the WS can control only herself. She can ask the WS not to contact her, but the WS makes his own choices. A sample:

This is the last time I'll contact you. Please do not attempt to contact me in any way.

If the ap fishes, your WS needs to tell you ASAP, and together you decide how to respond - usually maintaining NC is best.

damaged71 posted 1/24/2014 11:51 AM

I'm a BS too but I thought I would share something I read on here that cleared it all up for me because I had the same burning question.

What I am looking for right now is for WS to tell me how is it that they can have sex with their husband and the other man at the same time.

Quite simply the reason that she had sex with him was because that's what adults that are in emotional relationships do. It's the next step. That's why on a long enough timeline it always ends with a PA.

She probably kept doing it with you so you wouldn't find out about the other guy.

My wife met her OM one time in person. After that time she didn't want to have sex with me. She finally folded because she knew if she didn't I would catch her. She was right, her initial reluctance was a dead giveaway. In the 19 years we had been married not one single time did she say she "I don't want to". She has said she didn't feel like it before but never "I don't want to".

That's exactly how I caught my wife. I am sure yours didn't want that to happen.

phoenixrise posted 1/24/2014 11:52 AM

I hate common...the old I loved you the whole time...well then what's your definition of love shouldn't respect come with it? And if thats what you call love I dont want it. I agree cake really does suck realizing they are not what you thought them to be...thier capability to do this is just mind blowing...still blows my mind as to how my WH was fine with putting my sexual health in danger....what can be so important than putting another before my very life...first step is getting tested and take her with you like I did mine so she can ponder her gull and the realities of it all....sorry you have been put through this

nowiknow23 posted 1/24/2014 12:00 PM

Your job situation did not cause her to cheat.
The distance between you did not cause her to cheat.
The stress, disrespect, and fighting did not cause her to cheat.
Your weight fluctuation did not cause her to cheat.

Nothing you did, didn't do, said, didn't say... NOTHING you did made her cheat. Nothing made her lie. Nothing made her do anything. Her actions, her choices are 100% completely entirely and wholly on her. Period. Don't accept any blame shifting on that point, from her OR from yourself. Understood?


Pass posted 1/24/2014 12:00 PM

simply, she could.

I think 64fleet got it right off the bat. Your wife has already proven she is capable of screwing around. If she can do that AND still drag you along with no consequences, that's a perfect world - in her fucked up head.

Why are you waiting for her to decide the marriage is over? You get a say in this too. Are you okay with her continuing like this? Of course you're not - that's why you're here - so what should the consequences be? What are you prepared to do about this?

TrulyReconciled posted 1/24/2014 12:05 PM

suchis - Given your wife's age do you have the sense that she could be having a midlife crisis?

I'm catching a whiff of that and I've been through it (with my FWW).

You also said she has been "very violent and abusive toward you."

People who are messed up enough to be "very violent and abusive" toward someone they are supposed to love are capable of almost anything. Can you add to that description?


[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 12:07 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

painfulpast posted 1/24/2014 12:05 PM

You said OM is married. Have you told his wife about the affair?

She deserves the truth too. She's being lied to, just like you were.

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