I have a girlfriend who I have known almost my whole life (she is actually my bestfriend's younger sister) and I consider her to be family rather than just a friend.
A few years ago I found out that she had started sleeping with the owner of the company she worked for. He was significantly older than her, married and had children that were not much younger than she was. The PA turned into a "relationship". She was in love, this man was treating her better than she had ever been treated by another man and so her family and friends got introduced to him. We were told that this man was married to a wife with some kind of terminal illness that had left his wife bedridden for years. "His unmet needs had caused them to drift apart and he no longer felt he loved his wife". (My husband and I never really bought the story he was selling. If true, how callous could a person be to step out on their terminally ill spouse??? We figured there was probably a special place in Hell for such a person.) Their "relationship" was pretty rocky for the first couple of years and largely kept secret.
At the time I had misgivings about their "relationship" because I found it offensive that this man and my friend had no regard for his wedding vows. I also had great concerns about the age difference. I felt that this "relationship" probably would not last and that she was just a young, sexy thing to him.
Fast forward to today when I am a BW. Now I see my friend and am disgusted and furious by what the two of them did to the BW and what she had done to herself by lowering herself in such a fashion.
Not only that, but he divorced his BW and they recently eloped!!! She has invited me to the wedding celebration (out of the country, in the Fall). I have very mixed feelings about it
The thing is that for a great many reasons we have not told any friends or family about my WH's A. So she does not know the conundrum that I am in. On the one hand I feel like, "How can I go and support an OW in marrying the WH?????" On the other hand I think, "Shouldn't I be able to set my personal issues aside and support my friend (who is like a sister to me) during one of the biggest and happiest moments of her life?"
We are leaning towards going, but I need help on how to reconcile my feelings about it. I am also very concerned about triggering very badly during the wedding celebration. Maybe since it is still several months away I will feel easier about it by then????
Any HELPFUL suggestions would be appreciated!!
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
XWH#1 (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs
DD(21), DS(19, PDD-NOS) 5 Furkids - 3 dogs, 2 cats
I edit often for clarity/typos.
My helpful suggestion is to go NC with this unremorseful OW.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson "She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
How would you feel if you and your WH divorced and your friend went to his wedding to "support [her] friend during one of the biggest and happiest moments of [his] life"?
I am just trying to see if there is any hope of supporting my friend while honoring my own (hurting) feelings.
I would make up an excuse (probably a good one) and not go to the wedding. "What, you're wedding is that weekend? Shoot, that's the same time as (insert excuse here)."
I wouldn't be able to have a friend like that without triggering. At the end of the day, I need to surround myself with people who make me happy and bring out the best in me.
I wouldn't say anything about your H's affair, but I would start to slowly faze her out- make new friends, become more and more busy, etc...
It's unfortunate, but sometimes people do grow apart- be it naturally, or intentionally because of differing values and morals.
If you can go and want to continue your friendship with her and it won't bother you too much- by all means, do it. Do whatever is going to make you happiest; take care of YOU.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
she has done me no personal injury and she does not know that I am a BS. She is happily oblivious to my situation
Also, if she murdered someone but because she didn't cause you personal injury you would still be friends with her?
I ended a very long friendship with a bestie of over 30 years becausse she was an OW. Unremorseful OW. Before I knew I was (but I was) a BW.
It was hard. I am sorry if I sounded flippant. It was hard to end my friendship and it took me awhile to do it. I started feeling guilty listening to her go on and on about her clandestine meetings. His wife and children were becoming real to me even if my friend could pretend they didn't exist. (although she talked about them to me, too)
Finally I told her she couldn't talk to me about her MM if she wanted me to be her friend. She told me I was judgmental. That was the beginning of the end. We use to talk on the phone everyday. After that conversation I didn't call her and her phone calls to me got further and further apart, and then........none.
If you think you need to go, then go. But it is likely going to be pretty unenjoyable for you.
BeyondBreaking - I think you are right that the next time I see her I will likely trigger pretty hard. For the time being (since we are currently in different countries) she is mostly out of sight out of mind.
SisterMilkshake - I did not find your response flippant and I am not upset by your posts in any way. On the contrary, I have been reading quite a few of your posts these last few weeks and I really respect your opinions and point of view. Thank you for your honest feedback!
Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 - No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.
Seriously, though, I first joined this site because I was "besties" with the biggest bitch on the planet who was sleeping around on her husband and I wasn't sure if I should continue the friendship. Well we've had no contact at all for I think 9 months anymore and I do not miss her at all. There are some people I just cannot be friends with at all.
What's the point going to her wedding? You'll never be true friends with her again. I don't know how you want to handle backing out, that depends on your personality, but there's no way to celebrate something so repugnant.
So her family will not forgive your h for cheating... But they are overlooking their daughter marrying a man who cheated on his dying wife?
As background: She and her family consider my husband to be like family also, but they have always had issues with him and were essentially against my dating/marrying him. The revelation of his A will not sweeten their opinion of him. Therefore I do not feel that they would be supportive of my decision to R. And after all, that decision is mine to make, not theirs. I do not want to have to defend my position to them when I am already in a raw, wounded place.
I have never understood why her family took such an open and accepting view of their relationship, especially since her parents have been happily married for over 30 years. Sometimes things are just beyond my comprehension.
My XBFF was in an 'open' marriage. I didn't approve but didn't want to be judgemental. Well, she ended up being 'open' with MY husband, now STBXH. I don't know if STBXH would still have cheated if XBFF hadn't been in our lives, but I know she was the first OW. If I knew then what I know now, I would have NC'd her a long time ago.
Spare yourself the drama and trauma, don't go. You don't owe anyone an explination.
ETcorrect
[This message edited by Gemini71 at 12:03 PM, January 24th (Friday)]
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013 Divorced 11/18/2014
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
Make plans with your H to have a "getaway weekend" that weekend. Tell her it's been planned forever and paid for, non refundable.
Plan your weekend.
Send a gift.
