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If I could take it all back

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EMO579 posted 1/23/2014 17:13 PM


I married my soulmate 5.5 year ago. My best friend. My endless supply of laughs. In a blink of an eye, I managed to destroy the one person who means so much to me.

I had a month long affair with one of the trainers at the gym I was going to. I knew it was wrong from the beginning. I was in too deep. My H found out back in December when I got drunk and told him I was having an affair and that I couldn't keep lying (they say a drunk person's words are a sober person's thoughts). I didn't fully come clean with everything for about another week - trickle truth. Now, everything is out.

We've decided to stay together and work it out, which I am thankful beyond words.

I immediately stopped all contact with the AP. My H asked me to stop going to the gym. I did. He also asked me to change my phone number and I did that, too. He has full access to my phone email accounts - anything he wants I give to him as I no longer have anything to hide.

It hurts me to see him hurt so badly. I know that I will NEVER feel pain like the pain I have caused him. I, too, am hurt over this. Embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, disgusted with myself and my actions.

I feel like he is defining me by this A. I know I deserved that, but I'm so much more than this A. Our marriage, our relationship is so much more than this A. I fully understand that our marriage/relationship can never be what it once was, but I fully believe it has the potential to be better.

Anyways, thanks for listening...

Aubrie posted 1/23/2014 17:23 PM

Welcome to SI.

May I suggest you check out the Healing Library in the yellow box to the left. I'm also going to bump up a couple threads that are kind of required reading for newbies. (Kidding, but not really)

Two are by HUFI, one by ScarletA, and one by Maia.

Gonna give you a smidgen of tough love. Hang on.

I feel like he is defining me by this A.
You dropped a bomb on your soul mate and best friend. He is going to define you by your A for a while. That is completely understandable and expected.

Can a marriage heal from infidelity? Absolutely. But it takes ALOT of time and consistent, positive actions on your part. Not gonna sugar coat it. Roughly 2-5 years.

I know I deserved that, but I'm so much more than this A.
If you believe that, then prove it. Cause your H is going to need to see that.

You've started with some good stuff. NC, quitting the gym, ect.

Anyway, welcome.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 5:26 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

norabird posted 1/24/2014 10:44 AM

He is going to want to know WHY you wanted to do this, what inside of you was broken, what you had been suppressing in the marriage that bubbled out in this way. Why if he was your soulmate you still did this.

You definitely seem to want to fix things so think hard about that, because not having any answer at all is really hurtful to the betrayed spouse. what's more there is a reason for what you did somewhere inside of you--not an excuse, not something that makes it okay or justifies, but something you need to find, confront, and change in your own self.

numb&dumb posted 1/24/2014 11:23 AM

but I'm so much more than this A

As a BH I can guess that he knows this already, but the pain, pride and anger are trying to convince him otherwise.

Trust us key, but can take time to earn back. Affirming what a great husband he is can pay dividends later on, but probably not immediately. Listen more than you speak. Humility.

He will need assurances that your statement is true. Actions, not words. He is only going to believe that if you believe it first.

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