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Husband Cheated When My Mother Was Dying!!!

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SadInNC posted 1/23/2014 20:04 PM

I've been married for 27 years. My D day was a little over a month ago in Dec 2013. I found a few very old facebook messages that he had saved from 2010. A few were from an old "friend" from Florida that he visited in Dec of 2009. She said she loved him and reminded him that "life is short." He thanked her for the Valentines Day card that she sent. Then there were a few more messages to his sister (also from early 2010) saying that he was confused. Even though we had veen married for 24 years at that point, he had been in contact with an old girlfriend and he was thinking about leaving me due to all the stress. His sister told him to leave me and she also mentioned that, "mom has been telling you to leave her for years. Go and make yourself happy. Be selfish."

In late 2009 my mother was so sick and I was her only caregiver. That is why my husband went to Florida for a 3 day weekend. He asked me if he could go fishing with old friends and I felt so bad for him so I bought him the plane ticket and drove him to the airport. I had been her sole caregiver since 2006. She got Alzheimer's and it slowly got worse and worse. By late 2009, it was very bad. We have 4 children, too. I had nothing left to give my husband, who I love dearly. I stupidly thought that he would be faithful. I never thought that he would ever cheat! After he got back from the 3 day weekend, he continued an EA for atleast a year with this woman. I still feel like I don't have all the facts. He has not been forthcoming. I have had to pull teeth to get any details. I had to contact her to actually find out that it wasn't her after all but her sister who he had slept with. ??? He had me believing for 3 weeks that it was Rosy. Now I find out that it was Lily. ??? Why would Rosy send you a Valentines Day card? A lot of things do not add up here. Also, at first he swore that he did not have sex with her! Now, he finally admitted that he did in fact have sex with Lily.

He says he loves me so much. That this was the only time he has ever cheated. That he has regretted it ever since. That also does not add up for me, either. My mother passed away in March 2011. He has had years to try to emotionally reconnect with me and he has not tried. All he has done is shown me anger. I've told him that I need to connect with him emotionally before I can be intimate again. He still did not try. This was ALL before I found out about the affair, too. Now, suddenly he cares! I have been unable to work, get out of bed, Christmas and New Years sucked. I've lashed out in anger at my adult children and just been a crying, depressed mess in front of the teenagers.

I can't afford counseling! I've been researching and reading everything I can online to get help for us. We have had sex and it has been great. I feel that we have been able to reconnect at times but then I turn into crazy, angry woman and I have hit him, cut up his clothing and thrown his ass out for a few nights. I feel like a loose cannon and I think everyone is scared of me, including myself!

Sometimes I believe him, but sometimes I don't. I thought I was healing for 3 damn weeks and then boom! Different woman! He was still lying and I had to find out about it from her. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless and hopeless. I have told him that I am going to find myself a nice, handsome, tall man with a big dick and have sex and also tell him all of my deepest secrets for an entire year. Then we will see how he feels. But I know that I won't do that for revenge. That is NOT who I am. Somebody please help me!

SadInNC posted 1/23/2014 20:12 PM

I want to add that I feel SO BETRAYED by his sister and his mother. I've blocked them on facebook and don't want to ever see or speak to them again. I have been nothing but nice to them. He doesn't speak to them much and they live far away. He says that he stopped asking them for advice when he realized that they were giving him bad advice.

I don't know anything anymore.

Stillhurting2 posted 1/23/2014 20:14 PM

My husband did the same thing. He felt that we were not connecting because I was taking care of my mother who was dying of cancer. I found out about the affair a month after her death. He was with this woman the entire time I was dealing with my mom.

SadInNC posted 1/23/2014 21:09 PM

It hurts so much more because when you really expect your spouse to be there for you, that is when they cheat. I just can't wrap my head around the extent of the betrayal. After rereading my original post, it sounds kind of fragmented to me but that is how I'm feeling right now. A part of me still has not accepted that he has done this to me when I was at my lowest point in life. When my mother was loosing her mind and her life, a part of me was dying, too. I needed him and he betrayed me. I don't know how I will ever get over this.

Mhiimg65 posted 1/23/2014 21:42 PM

My WS was cheating while my mother was dying too. Aug 2012. He started his sex shit in June shortly after we went to Vegas to celebrate our 25th anniversary. I was taking care of my mother since Jan of 2012. Our 25th was Aug 1 of 2012, and I now wonder what he was doing the week of our anniversary. My mother died shortly after. I found craigslist postings about how he had no intimacy in his life. He claims I was in our new whirlpool tub, and he walked in, and wanted to climb in, and I said, " that' s never gonna happen" . What I said was " I need this time to be by myself." Amazing what their perceptions are. If he had given me any kind of emotional help, things would have been different. Now I am portrayed as a sexless individual who doesn't care about his needs and wants. we are trying R, and I hope to be successful at that, but when he asks what is emotional support, I gotta rethink sometimes. My heart goes out to you, and I get it, unfortunately.

Mhiimg65 posted 1/23/2014 21:53 PM

Re-reading your post. same here. Sex has happened. These boys don't realize if they reach us from an emotional spot we can respond. My WS was confronted with that tonight and looked at me like he'd never heard of the concept of " emotional support" . this coming from a man I've always considered my best friend . I'm only about 15 days into my discovery, so I may not be the best person to respond to you, but I relate, and will follow your posts. My best to you .

Jrazz posted 1/23/2014 22:17 PM

Welcome to SI, SadinNC.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you've come to a great place for support.

If your WH starts showing true remorse and doing the work it takes to fix himself and heal your heart, you may stand a chance at Reconciliation.

I have told him that I am going to find myself a nice, handsome, tall man with a big dick and have sex and also tell him all of my deepest secrets for an entire year

I think I said those exact words to my FWH right after DDay. We mean it, but don't really mean it. Revenge affairs tear the BS up and don't ever bring the peace or satisfaction that is imagined. It's just so painful - how far the humiliation and unfairness scales are tipped. You focus on yourself and your kids, and let him either become transparent and humble or show you his true colors so that you can make the best decision for yourself.

Nightmare of the A aside (as if that's ever possible) you've got some hideously inconsiderate inlaws. I'm a member of that club as well.

His sister told him to leave me and she also mentioned that, "mom has been telling you to leave her for years. Go and make yourself happy. Be selfish."

Narcissistic, unbalanced people mistake this for loyalty. What we really have here is a person so self absorbed and narrow minded that she wouldn't know authenticity or kindness if it bit her on the behind. Don't spin your wheels wondering what you could have EVER done to deserve this. For her to undermine you like this means she doesn't care what's right, she care what fits in her shoebox of a toxic existence. Time to start detatching from them, and if your WH knows what is good for him he will pick up a couple books by Dr. Susan Forward on Toxic Parents and Toxic Inlaws.

Back to the A - the book Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is an excellent start for Waywards who can't get into counseling right away.

Take care of yourself. Keep posting. We're here for you.


StrongerOne posted 1/23/2014 22:32 PM

My H's A occurred while I was taking care of our DS, who was getting chemo for a brain tumor and losing his eyesight, it was "too hard" for him to deal with it. So we agreed I would do it. But that meant I "neglected" him.

Your WH is weak and selfish. Like so many WS. Like my H.

I'm so sorry have to be here, SadinNC. It's crushing. You'll get through it, I'm sure of it, because you're the strong one in your marriage. Not fair at all...

Skan posted 1/24/2014 14:33 PM

It wasn't my mother who was dying, when my FWH was looking for stray Hos to screw. It was his mother. I spent three nights sleeping beside her, giving his RN sister a break at night (she was in hospice care at SILs home), making sure that his mother was breathing and had someone nearby while she was unconscious, in case of an emergency. Meanwhile he was in "our" room looking up porn sites. My hands were on her as she passed, with the family around. And from his timeline and linking that to his secret bank account action, he was spending most of the time looking for cam girls.

After DDay, I actually went out, dressed somewhat up, thinking that I was going to find a bar, get drunk, and see what happened. Instead, I drove to a nearby park, parked, and crawled into the passenger's floorwell and cried. For hours. For the A, yes, but also because I even allowed my brain to go to where going out not caring if I got laid or not, was even a possibility. I so hear you!

Listen. I'm glad that you found us. I'm glad that you have us for support. Now take what I'm about to say to you with the thought that this very, very gentle rebuke is because I am extremely concerned for you.

You cannot, cannot, hit your WH. You just can't. And trust me, I know the urge to lash out in pain. I totally empathize. But, if your WH calls the police, if you leave a mark on him and he admits to someone who is legally mandated to report, that you did it, you can be handcuffed, taken to jail, barred from entering your house, and have your teenagers taken away from you. It can happen. So if that urge comes again, clasp your hands together behind your back, walk away, grab a broom, bat, hammer, and go out and beat the crap out of your trashcans. Take a long walk as fast as you can until you can't breathe. Get the adrenalin and aggression out in a way that does not involve laying hands on another person. I walked for miles. I literally mean miles. I could easily do 3-10 miles on an adrenalin surge. Ironically, it helped me a lot as I did the 3-Day Breast Cancer walk for 2 years for my MIL, and boy, after DDay, did I get in shape for year 2!

Please come back often for support. We are all here for you and we care. (((hugs)))

SadInNC posted 1/24/2014 19:57 PM

Thank-you all so much! Your replies are helping me deal. I know I'm not alone. I went back to work this week for the first time since D day. I started a brand new job and it is a good thing. But, as soon as I leave the office, I remember the affair and the saddness returns. Ugh. Also, these past few days I have weird vibes from my husband that he is still hiding things or lying or something shady. It is giving me those fast heartbeats that come when you get really, really stressed.

I won't hit him anymore. Thanks for the good advice. Not because I don't want to cause harm to his person but only because I don't want to end up in jail. I hate this! But I am so thankful for this SI website

Getting to Happy posted 1/24/2014 20:29 PM

Also, these past few days I have weird vibes from my husband that he is still hiding things or lying or something shady. It is giving me those fast heartbeats that come when you get really, really stressed.

THIS^^^is your 'gut' screaming at you you. You know your own husband. And you know when he is lying or hiding things. Now that you have gotten past the jolt of pain when you found out and what he is capable of, YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS UP...RIGHT?!?

Trust your Gut. If your spidey senses are tingling there is more...he is hiding something.

Lay low. Fake him out...he will let his guard down. Truth has a way of finding its way to the light.

Look at CC bills during their nasty trysts. Do a forensic on your computer (tell him its not working and bring the hard drive in to be 'looked at') I did that and alot of evidence shook out, stuff that he deleted.

I sent had Mr. Happy on a vacation because he had worked so hard for a number of months. I didn't think about the fact that his photos always had extra cup of coffee or someone took a photo of him from across the table, that is where his date sat!

There are all kinds of ways to skin that whore, uh cat.

Also was that slut he slept with married? Now is a good time to let the other betrayed spouse know that she spent some time in the gutter with your WH.

Take care of yourself and protect your heart.


Nailinmyforehead posted 1/25/2014 05:39 AM

To be equal opportunity, - my FWW consummated her relationship with her long term AP the day before my Father died. She was laying in his bed having sex with him while I was at the hospital watching him gasp for breath. Same shit here- the whole time I was caring for my Dad, my FWW was ramping up her A. He was sick for 3 years and that is how long they were together. Even though we have R, I still cannot fathom her callousness. God help us all through this mess.

Abbondad posted 1/25/2014 06:29 AM

Part of the tragedy of infidelity--particularly long-term affairs--is that it traverses one's entire life that is/was going on during the spouse's affair. He/She was doing this while THIS was happening? While we were on that wonderful family vacation?

But yes, this is a special kind of horror. My STBX was actively in her affair when my mother was dying in the hospital. Less than a week after she died, one night I was sitting on the floor of our home, crying in deep grief. I called her at work, telling her to come right home--I needed her comfort. She tenderly told me she would be right there. And instead went directly to OM's place to have sex.

Just thinking back gives me the chills.

doggiediva posted 1/25/2014 10:02 AM

I feel and hear you on this one also..

My WH's A was in full force during the year I had a uterine and also a breast cancer scare..Same year that our younger kiddo got in trouble with the law..

I got blamed for WH's A, because I didn't give him enough attention..He thought that I was crazy for being stressed.. I got zero support from WH while awaiting the results of my biopsies, for the loss of my father, my son's legal issues.. All of these events took place within 1 1/2 year time span....He thought that I should have been able to stuff my stress away to give him the sexual attention he wanted at his beck and call..

People with this mindset are so self centered and worthless to us during our times of need..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:02 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]

doggiediva posted 1/25/2014 10:37 AM

Focus on yourself and your healing..

It is time for you to get the attention, comfort and care that you need from whomever (not talking about revenge A) can provide it, including yourself..

If your WH can't jump on the bandwagon and be there for you than you have some difficult decisions to make..


whattheh posted 1/25/2014 13:31 PM

My fWH was being blackmailed by the bunny boiler while my dad was dying.

I don't how to label this as he was trying to handle and out manipulate her to keep her from telling me but he wasn't effing her. He effed her to completion once (then felt immense guilt) but the blackmail continued for over 2years. He despised and was repulsed by her but didn't let her know cuz she was mentally unstable. I consider it the later longer stage of his infidelity I guess. Luckily she lived over 75 miles from us but she still stalked both of us.

Bottom line he was betraying and disrespecting me (unbeknownst to me) while I was busy helping with my father dying in end stage dementia.

Ironically his parents died the same way and I was by his side supporting them and him 'hands on'.

Things like this make reconciling complicated as acceptance and the potential for forgiveness is a tougher pill to swallow when we were at our most vulnerable when betrayed. When we needed them the most they weren't there and deceiving us instead. I'll never understand this and continue to be surprised by how common it is. So much selfishness and evil in the world I guess...

I really feel for all the women who are cheated on when pregnant or new baby. Such a vulnerable time for them to be hurt like this too...

[This message edited by whattheh at 1:40 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

SadInNC posted 1/25/2014 14:51 PM

I want to thank you all for sharing your stories. I don't know how to even begin healing or even if I want to. At first I tried R but after 3 weeks, found out it was FR. I told him last night that I don't want to R unless he is willing to tell me the entire truth. Yes, like that will ever happen. He is like a broken record, telling me that he has told me everything, bla,bla,bla. I know deep down in my gut that this is a LIE. We are at a standstill.

I mentioned him taking a polygraph test when I first found out about the A and he freaked out. Was that wrong of me? He is not giving me the assurance that I need and it feels crappy. He might be saying most of the right things, like I love you and i'm sorry and i want to spend the resto of my life with you and i made a mistake but something doesn't feel right.

doggiediva posted 1/25/2014 15:09 PM

Yep, my first D day more that 27 years ago was when my oldest was a couple of months old...

If I were you I would insist that WH take a poly or tell him that R is off the table..

How can one accept a WH as being back in the M and try to R when stuff still feels wrong...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:10 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

SadInNC posted 1/25/2014 20:09 PM

Tonight when he got home from work we taked for a while. He told me more about the A and that helped me. But there are still MAJPR GAPS in the timeline that I just don't believe. I went downstairs and there were flowers that he had bought for me. I didn't say anything and just started making dinner. We had left off arguing and I guess that's why he didn't give the flowers to me when we went downstairs. Anyway, I said something like you can give those flowers to our daughter. He replied with, no I got them for you. I was busy making dinner and working in the kitchen. He walks up to me with the damn flowers in hand and YELLS at me saying something like, "I bought these for you, dammit! Not for our daughter." I turn around and say, " Thanks for the flowers. That is the worst way that I have ever seen anyone present flowers to someone."

It's almost commical at this point how dysfunctional we are right now. What makes me cry my eyes out is that our 2 teenagers were right there when this happenend. There is more but I don't know if I can write it now.

I asked about him taking the polygraph again so that I could trust him and move on. He refused. No way. Then I asked him why he doesn't go on facebook anymore. He said that that he has no reason to go on faceobook anymore and that he hates facebook. ok. I get that he could hate it it because it enabled hime to get in touch with an old girlfriend. but i told him that i would like it if he could go on there and just comment on friends amd family stuff. So that, facebook doesn't always leave a negative thing him. There are good things to be shared on there. I asked him to do this for me, since he had NEVER share anything with me on facebook. Only used it as a tool to hook up with the old girlfriends. He flatly refused.

I hate him and I love him. But right now I hate him more than I love him.

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