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General :
"Our" OW???!!

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 cantgetup (original poster member #36146) posted at 3:53 AM on Friday, January 24th, 2014

I've been here on this site for a bit. There has been one recurring thing that gets my gut worked up and makes me want to turn away and cringe.

Referring to THE ow as OUR ow. For those of you who use this term, I'm so very curious why, if anyone wouldn't mind sharing.

Your choice of words? WS choice of words? reconciliation phraseology? What?

Personally, IMO, in my case only: this is such an offensive way to referr to the OW and I find it so disrespectful to the situation. There would be no way in hell I would ever give my WH the courtesy of calling her "our" OW. Like I would refer to our home, our kids our dog. Our OW? WTF? And if he continued to include her with anything that had to do with US...well let's just say I wouldn't be very happy.

posts: 319   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2012
id 6653678
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Clarrissa ( member #21886) posted at 4:44 AM on Friday, January 24th, 2014

I think it may be like shorthand. Instead of saying "The OW in our situation" or "My WHs OW" it's just easier to say "Our OW."

BH Cee64D - 50
FWW (me) - 51


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

posts: 6192   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2008   ·   location: A better place
id 6653713
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Lovedyoumore ( member #35593) posted at 6:10 AM on Friday, January 24th, 2014

I have used the term. I really have not thought about it. I guess it is to say ours as opposed to yours. I do not know if she is his, mine or ours. The other woman does not hold a place in our family, but she does hold an oppositional place to our marriage. So, in the realm that she affected our marriage, she is sometimes our OW.

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

posts: 3626   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Southern, bless your heart
id 6653762
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steadfast1973 ( member #24719) posted at 12:20 PM on Friday, January 24th, 2014

We removed the possessive pronoun. She is THE OW or AP... Or "the prostitute". Between me and him, though, they are "derpy face" and "cootie snatch". At least, I call them that.

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

posts: 2303   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Kentucky
id 6653925
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bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 1:11 PM on Friday, January 24th, 2014

You know, lately I have caught myself wanting to write that, and questioned myself on it. Really, I think it is just expediency....instead of saying "the OW in our situation" or " my H's OW, " it is easier to say "our OW." The former is usually what I mean.

I can see where it would rankle, though.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

posts: 3521   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6653975
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hurting7897 ( member #34761) posted at 2:13 PM on Friday, January 24th, 2014

I have never used "our OW" but I may as well have since we were "swingers' and my H and I both had a relationship with her. Only I had no idea they had been having an EA/PA behind my back as well that started 16 years prior.

Yeah.

Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2013-Forgave him! Life is sweet
May 4, 2015--T

posts: 230   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2012   ·   location: Wisconsin
id 6654055
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DixieD ( member #33457) posted at 2:25 PM on Friday, January 24th, 2014

I think I used that early on and then it changed.

We don't use the short-form OW because that makes it sound like she was on the same level as me. The 'other' one, as in comparable to. She wasn't.

We say AP, because she was a partner in crime and destruction.

That's just the term we use on SI. The name used at home would get flagged on this site.

Growing forward

posts: 1767   ·   registered: Sep. 27th, 2011
id 6654075
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TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 2:34 PM on Friday, January 24th, 2014

I don't think I have ever said "our OW". I don't know her and hope to never meet her, so maybe that's why I don't say it. Made me sick just typing it just now. The names I call that skank to my husband are not nice and some of my posts aren't either. So far I just make sure what forum I am before I rant.

XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

posts: 10077   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 6654092
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Dreamland ( member #40488) posted at 3:07 PM on Friday, January 24th, 2014

Oh hell no!!

I never refer to her as our.. She's always the OW.. She has nothing belonging to ours.

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

posts: 515   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2013
id 6654152
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phoenixrise ( member #41745) posted at 5:44 PM on Friday, January 24th, 2014

A typo for sure or maybe sick sarcasm I have never seen that and it would personally make me throw up in my mouth too

"The grass is greener on the other side because of all the shit that is used to fertilize it"
Him: WH after 8 yrs M...wow to think he held my hand during labor twice
Me: thought I was a cool loving wife
D Day: 7 mos ago RIP soul

posts: 213   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Dante's Inferno
id 6654423
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 cantgetup (original poster member #36146) posted at 4:20 AM on Saturday, January 25th, 2014

Hurting---yes you can legit use "our". Although I'm sorry for your situation.

Dixie yes!! AP not OW. I need to change that post haste.

Phoenix not a typo. Watch for it. Many posters use this! Yea baby throw ups for me too!

posts: 319   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2012
id 6655295
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Want2help ( member #20547) posted at 4:56 AM on Saturday, January 25th, 2014

I think I've used it before on the OC board, because it's easier, for one, but to be honest her affair/relationship/obsession with my husband lasted less then 4 months. OW's obsession with me has spanned 6.5 years. She is still finding me on every social networking site known to man, all those years later. She's been a part of my reality much longer than she was a part of FWH's, sadly.

I would never call her "our" OW to FWH, or even let him know that I have used it. I never let him forget that HE is the one who brought this madness into our lives.

FBS/WS- me.
F(serial)WS/BS- him.

Madhatters. More Ddays than birthdays, at this point. His OC, my OC...

UPDATE: Divorcing after almost 20 years.

posts: 2588   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2008
id 6655330
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fooledbyapilot ( member #26349) posted at 6:07 AM on Saturday, January 25th, 2014

I would rather type out the long form of my WH OW than say our OW.

Let's count the key strokes...my WH OW = 6

or our OW = 5

seriously.....I could never say our OW....OW is a **nt........

rant over

ME(BS):47 HIM (WS):50
WS Married 21 yrs together 33
dd#1- nov 16, 2009
DD#2-went out NYE 2009-found out Feb 2012
DD#2-Feb 5, 2010-date they had(found out Feb 2012)
dd#3 - June 16, 2010-broke NC
dd#4-Dec 31, 2010-broke contact

posts: 195   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2009
id 6655384
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 cantgetup (original poster member #36146) posted at 12:41 PM on Saturday, January 25th, 2014

Fooled--yes! I wasn't buying the shorthand explanation either. I think we all know that by saying OW, we know it's our spouses OW. I mean no explanation needed as to who were talking about. The OW would work too.

I still see that for some, there is a conscious decision to use this term. When I read it, I feel they are deeply disrespecting themselves. Like look how good I've handled this. I'm now able to call her "our" ow. It gives something to the WS and ow that they don't deserve, and takes away from the BS.

Sigh. I may never know.

Thank you everyone.

posts: 319   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2012
id 6655510
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Whalers11 ( member #27544) posted at 9:32 PM on Saturday, January 25th, 2014

I think I have used this. It's because I try to be very careful about having my comments perceived as generalizations, and I want to make it clear that I am talking about my specific situation only. It's easier than saying "The OW in my situation..." (which I have also used).

posts: 3358   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2010
id 6656071
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 cantgetup (original poster member #36146) posted at 9:49 PM on Saturday, January 25th, 2014

Whaler yes I do get that distinction. And it's a very important distinction to make. Thank you.

posts: 319   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2012
id 6656083
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hurting7897 ( member #34761) posted at 6:32 PM on Friday, February 7th, 2014

Thank you cantgetup. I appreciate that.

Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2013-Forgave him! Life is sweet
May 4, 2015--T

posts: 230   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2012   ·   location: Wisconsin
id 6675479
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