I am at almost 2 years and barely ever check anything anymore. I can't say that I am not still paranoid, but as time goes on and things he says "check out", you will realize you will snoop less and less.
My H has given me free reign over his electronics, wallet, etc. One day I even went up to him and asked him nicely to please empty out his pockets and he did. He wasn't happy about it, but he understood.
I am trying to live by these words.......
Live in today....
Dream of tomorrow....
I rarely snoop now, but I did early on and was furious it a password was changed without my knowledge. I know if he is going to cheat again, he will but he knows if he does, I am gone. I had a foot out the door for over 4 months, but never physically left as I knew I would not come back and he did and does. He panics still if I am not reachable for length of time...he does not have the "right" to be not reachable, I do.
Just kept breathing, do what you need to survive and it will get better!!!
It is very normal behavior...I was obsessed in the beginning. I spent hours and hours going through everything I could think of to gather pieces of the puzzle. Since his (supposedly) ONS happened in 07 and I only (accidentally) discovered it in May 2013, and he was really vague on the timeline
Now, several months later, it's not a daily obsession, but there are still days that I feel the need to check. For me, it helps reassure me that he's being honest and truthful.
At least that's whats happened to me. Its definitely exhausting. In the beginning I felt like I was using all my free time snooping!
I'm 7 months since DDAY and I snoop a lot less now. Here and there...but definitely not like I did in the beginning. Not sure it ever goes away fully. I guess only time can tell.
Hang in there, it gets better.
Together 10 years
1 doggie, 1 Cat
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...Working at it every day.
But like all coping mechanisms, you eventually realize that it's not doing what you need it to do anymore. Some people can get stuck and it truly becomes an obsessive compulsive behavior. I started to get nervous about this happening with me and reached out for help from my IC. It takes an enormous amount of self control to stop yourself and focus on something else. When you're hurting and still traumatized by the fallout of the A, it's next to impossible to conjure up any kind of self control. Breaking the habit of checking is hard, but it's especially hard when you are trying so hard to simply survive.
So 2 years out, I can say I've gotten away from my need to do this. But it isn't just time. It's what you do in that time. Strengthening and healing yourself while your WS gets his/her act together and does the hard work to repair - all of that has to happen over time.
About 20 months into R, I read somewhere the danger of the BS developing and having an affair with the affair. That sentence knocked me silly. The last thing I want to do is have an affair, especially with my fWH's affair. Taking time and energy away from what I claimed mattered to me and pouring it into snooping/checking/digging for more details or clues that my fWH was still being deceitful, or checking out the OW -- all of that detracts from the M and lessens me as a person. And that's no different from what my H did with his A.
But that realization was slow in coming. And by the time it did, a habit had taken hold. Now, whenever I'm tired or bored (like I am now - home sick in bed with the flu) the habit to check will creep back in. I'm getting better at saying to myself, this is part of it - this is what happens when you've been betrayed - but I don't have to respond this way. And I re-direct.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou