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Dear AP's BW

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Hisbunnyonly posted 1/24/2014 01:05 AM

Dear AP's BW,
I want to start this letter with I truly am sorry for my role in the A. I take blame 100% for my actions. As a mother myself who is seeing the effects my A has had on my own child, I'm sorry I have wrecked havoc on your family and torn it apart. I also want to apologize for the horrible things that I said about you, they were all a direct reflection of what I saw in myself. I am sorry when you contacted me and asked me to drop contact with him I did not do so, but instead we took it underground until we got caught again by my BS. Already divorcing or not, I should have honored your wishes. I am sorry I posted status updates on Facebook that I knew you would know we're aimed at you, and AP. I'm sorry for calling you ugly....truth be told you are more beautiful of a person than I could ever were honest and loyal to your spouse....and that's something I wasn't. I truly do wish you luck in life. I hope you find an amazing man. You deserve better than AP gave you, just as BS deserves better than I have him. I am not asking forgivness, as I don't feel I deserve it, I just wanted to apologize.

This was not sent. This was something BS asked me to write and I asked him if it was okay if I shared here as well.

3kids30years posted 1/24/2014 11:21 AM

Thank you -

You made my day a little better. The AP in my situation could have written this - but I know she won't. It's nice to see someone who is trying, I hope you and your BS get there.

Look to the future, you can't change the past. But you can learn from it.


Tickingtock posted 1/24/2014 19:32 PM

That is a really authentic letter. Good job.

phoenix2015 posted 1/25/2014 00:03 AM

We'll said, I actually looked to see your location thinking it could have been from the OW in my life. I believe the hate I feel for her is in part due to the total denial she expressed to me when I called her. She claims they were not having an affair, just conversations.....I don't recall ever telling another man I loved him, expressed the sexual things I want to do to him or planned to move myself and my child across the country to be with him. I must be having boring conversations with the people in my life....

Crumbled324 posted 1/25/2014 07:30 AM

Thank you for sharing that. It shows your understanding of the ramifications that your affair has had on others, and the devastation left in it's wake.

I can only hope that someday my WW wife would get to this point of understanding. Aside from our daughter, the AP and his BS have three kids. Still trying to understand how she felt the right to insert herself via an affair into their marriage/family, even briefly.

Again, thank you for sharing. And as a BS thank you for even being on this board to try and work on yourself.

Wayflost posted 1/25/2014 09:33 AM

I wrote a couple of these as well. It's humbling, freeing, and a touch humiliating. Mine were actually sent, as it was how my BH felt they should learn of their own situations.

Good job doing a difficult thing. How do you feel now that you have ?

cs2384 posted 1/25/2014 11:58 AM

I wrote and sent a letter too. She replied(through my husband) and had very hurtful things to say back. I understand why she said what she said. It was helpful for me to realize that she's responsible for her healing just as I am responsible for mine and now I focus my energy on my spouse. I told the AP BW that I would show my remorse by staying out of her life forever. That's all I can do.

mindbody posted 1/25/2014 13:43 PM

Hisbunnyonly, I also appreciated reading your letter. It wasn't just a general apology, you listed specific actions which makes this more meaningful.

I have a client/friend who came to me and told me about her A, right after her D-Day. She didn't/doesn't know about my WSO's A. She was feeling really panicked and horrible about what she had done. I politely told her that I couldn't be her friend anymore if she continued the A. On her own, with no prodding from me, she sent the BS a detailed letter of apology. The BS had just found out about the A also. I was very moved and proud of my friend. It has been 4 years since her A, and she told me she never regretted sending the letter. She believes her healing needed to begin with the letter of apology.

I am glad you and your BS shared this with us. Thank you both.

mchercheur posted 1/25/2014 14:24 PM


Thank you for sharing that. I give you a lot of credit for writing that---I can imagine that it wasn't easy.

Gently, may I ask, why you have not sent it? (I don't mean that in a confrontative way, I am just curious.) I think it would be very healing to AP's BW to read it. ( I am guessing that you have not sent it because you & your BH have decided NC is better---& I understand that.)

I think that one of the main reasons I still have such tremendous hatred for OW is that she never apologized for what she did. She knows that I know (WH told her right away), but we have never spoken. She did try to continue contact for several months with WH even after he told her it was over on Dday, & he succumbed . I guess she is just not sorry about what she did, only sorry that I found out.

I wish you & your BH the best of luck.

Hisbunnyonly posted 5/9/2014 19:31 PM

i had a death in the family and took some time away from everything/everyone except for my family for awhile this is why i'm just getting back to you guys. i appologize.

i did not send it b/c when i advised her of our A(at request of my BH that i be the one to tell her about it) she asked for NC. now go forward a little bit, when i got on FB today for the first time in months, she had sent me a friend request. i went to BH and asked what i should do with it and he told me to message her without adding her and just nicely ask her for her reasoning of adding me. she said that with her and AP now being officially divorced she had become curious how BH and i were doing and on how she could learn from us to still strenghten her relationship with AP and coparent their son with him. BH then advised me that if i felt the need, i could send her the appology letter, as she had broken the NC on her own doing, he just did not want me to be the one to break it. so i sent it. this was about 20 mins ago and it has still not been read. i'm feeling a little anxious, but at the same time, not....if that makes sense. if she doesn't reply and chooses to reblock me, that is okay and perfectly within her right, and i would understand. if she chooses to reply i would be more than happy to answer and explain anything she wanted/needed with openess and honesty.

Zayda1 posted 5/10/2014 07:19 AM

Wow. As a BW I have mixed feelings about that letter. Good for you for writing it. I know the AP in my case would never ever write me a letter like that. All I got was "I didn't mean for this to happen" via text and she stuck her tongue out at me in person when she did see me.

I am not sure how I as a BW would respond. My first response would probably be to ignore the letter, so don't be surprised if you never hear back from her.

It seems odd to me that she is trying to learn from you and your BH. Kinda sets off a red flag. Please be very careful.

Hisbunnyonly posted 5/10/2014 10:27 AM

It seems odd to me that she is trying to learn from you and your BH. Kinda sets off a red flag.

This has bothered me as well. I haven't accepted the request but haven't denied it either. Right now its just floating in facebook land. Im not sure that I want to open that door. I understand her wanting to learn to coparent with her XWH but my BH and I coparent inside our marriage..not D. They are legally D. I dont think i could really teach her anything if i wanted not and never have been in the situation she is in.

*edited due to horrible spelling errors.*

[This message edited by Hisbunnyonly at 10:29 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]

guarded posted 5/11/2014 10:17 AM

As a BW, I seem to be in the minority on SI about this, but I would have loved a letter like this, if it was sincere. It would have helped restore my faith in humanity, which was ripped out from under me after finding out about the A and how our society no longer seems to shun that behavior, but rather rewards it.

In addition, the unremorseful behavior of McTrash OW following the A made it hurt worse to see WH destroyed our lives for a worthless slutbag. If I had received a sincere apology like this, I would have been able to at least place it into a category of "when good people make bad decisions."

I have repeatedly watched former waywards here on SI who have earned back respect through their growth and actions and remorse. Too bad there are others that never will.

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