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dating as a tool for Reconciliation

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grains posted 1/24/2014 01:29 AM

I started reading How To Date Your Wife by Stan Cronin again. I think that dating can be a powerful recovery tool for reconciliation. We went on a slightly rough outdoor weekend adventure with a small group of nice people and it was wonderful. I do think that doing things together and enjoying each others company is at the core of dating. The setting can change but the feeling, connection and empathy is what makes it special. Has this helped in your situation?

[This message edited by grains at 1:30 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

HUFI-PUFI posted 1/24/2014 09:35 AM

A very common issue raised here on SI concerns regaining emotional intimacy once again in the relationship.

The damage done to the relationship and to the BS and the WS can at times make a re-connection difficult to achieve.

While HB (hysterical bonding) does have a time and place quite often in the early months, as year 2 and the plain of lethal flatness sets in, that emotional connection can be lost once again and regaining it can be difficult.

LF and I have established a date night once a week to give us time together as a couple and it has helped. We're still struggling to regain the special connection that existed pre-A (sometimes despairing if that ever can be found again) but I do agree that dating (romantic dinner or social outing) is a important part of healing.


Aubrie posted 1/24/2014 09:54 AM

We had our first date a week after Dday. I KNOW! Insane. QS said he hated me for it and appreciated the gesture, all at the same time. My focus was 1000000% on him and even though he stared out the window half the time, I didn't falter in the very one sided conversation or showing him he was #1 that night.

We made a huge effort to reconnect by dating after Dday. Great memories.

There was a shooting range date with pin curls, pearls, and heels. There was the baseball game that was fabulous till the drunk marine spit on and verbally assaulted me. But hey, there was fireworks after the event. Home team won! There was the time QS cut off the end of his thumb and still went to a pottery painting class with me. There was the camping weekend that was so hot, we thought hell had ascended into our dimension. Freaking A, never camping in the dead of summer again.

Then there are dates that are not so dramatic. They're normal. Quiet. Comfortable. Simple dinner. Ice cream run. Chick flicks on the couch after the kids have gone to bed. Sneaking off to the bedroom while the kids are busy. Finding notes or naughty pics in one another's email inboxes.

All these events have one thing in common. We did them together. And it helped forge a tighter bond between us.

Total believer of using dating as a tool not just for reconciliation, but for marriage as a whole.

Ascendant posted 1/24/2014 10:05 AM

Agreed. I think every new memory created as a couple, post-affair, fills your brain with new, happy memories.... and that can only be a good thing.

lostmylight55 posted 1/24/2014 11:06 AM

After D'day we both decided to independently make "Bucket List" ideas on what we wanted to do and where we wanted to go together as a couple. Some of the ideas are long range big trip ideas and some were attainable simpler ideas. We compared notes and have been crossing off the things on our lists ever since.

We are building new fun memories together and grow closer than we ever have as a couple.

We made an effort to take in an afternoon movie yesterday and go shoot pool after. It was awesome. I'm still amazed and grateful that we are able to go and do all these things together and I appreciate every minute.

grains posted 1/24/2014 22:59 PM

It is amazing that inspite of what I have done, we can still do things together. I really admire my BS for her resilience. I realized how distant I was for almost 2 years after DDay. This hurt my BS so much. And then when we were able to enjoy each others company, it was wonderful. I need to make those sharing moments happen as often as I can. I was so self-absorbed in guilt and self-pity that I was missing what can really help- being fully present with your spouse creating wonderful experiences. I call it dating. I found out that it is also difficult to have physical intimacy. There is a lot of healing that needs to happen before you can get there. And creating new and wonderful memories is the start. Valentine's day is coming up. I am looking forward to it.

Trying33 posted 1/25/2014 03:28 AM

Our M is in desperate need of some dating, but what do you do when one of the people in the M isn't really into it and is just doing it for the sake of it?

Should I keep planning date nights even though I know he doesn't really wanna be there? Does it get better?

All the memories you guys are recalling on this thread are wonderful. I hope we can too one day as we have had some great times in the past. Right now my H just seems to be going through the motions. Most of the time I can sense he'd rather be elsewhere.

I've planned a breakfast date for us this morning. I'm so excited to be spending some time alone with him.. wish he felt the same.

gettingbakontrac posted 1/25/2014 08:09 AM

My BS and I go out every week now usually on a Thursday. Started when we were going to MC. Now if I don't suggest it or remind her she can start to wonder what is going on. It has helped re-establish our connections that diminished/disappeared during the A..Keep at it.

grains posted 1/25/2014 16:54 PM

Dating really works. Please keep at it as gettingbakontrac has said. It is never easy. I know that there will be moments when it is hard to connect, when one or both of you will feel distant or when there is a trigger. What I found helpful is to just keep going for that goal of sharing a wonderful experience together inspite of the negative setbacks. That seed of goodwill and good feeling will grow. That wonderful experience does not have to be elaborate. It can be just talking a walk and putting your arm around your partner or holding hands.

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