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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: Why are RA's bad?
Bdell
41673
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it common wisdom that having revenge sex is a bad thing? I have been approached by a Lady at work and she has made it plain that she is willing , if I am. BTW, she is really attractive and about 6 years younger than I am. Not to brag, but I have been told by quite a few women that I'm good looking, and have been "hit on" numerous times over the years and have never taken any of it seriously. I've always thought it was the booze or loneliness or that they had some other motivation, so I would laugh it off. Well, I'm not laughing now. It is very tempting to think about.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For myself, I don't always follow "common wisdom" as I always think out situations for myself, based on my own wisdom, considering what others have to say, but never just "accepting" common wisdom.

However, in this case I totally agree that a RA is a horrible idea.

My first question though, is this pototential OW married or in a relationship herself? I lose every ounce of respect and I mean every ounce for any BS who could even THINK of being part of causing the same pain to some other unknowing BS.

So assuming that this person is not in a relationship, and just wants to be part of a cheap attempt to get revenge on your SO. Getting revenge will not improve your relationship with your wife or SO (don't know if you are married...don't know your story). I think the real question should be is there any chance to save your relationship with the WS and do you want to do that? If the answer to either question is yes, then the RA will make the situation more complicated, and more ugly, and make reconciliation less likely.

If, on the other hand, you want to end it with your SO, then end it. That in itself can be good revenge, especially if the SO does not want to end it.

And then go and have relationships with anybody you want (provided they are not "taken" themselves, of course).


Posts: 5774 | Registered: Apr 2006
RipsInMyChest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have thought a RA sounds good at times....justice. But it's not. First, your WW would know it was a RA so it would never have the same impact on her as her A had on you.

Secondly, and more importantly, (for me at least)...MY integrity and morality is part of the fabric of my being. My self esteem has already taken such a huge hit with my H's ONS that I cannot imagine adding "cheater, whore, liar" to the list of self depreciating comments my dark thought say about myself. It's bad enough to feel like I am not enough. At least I know on my WORST day I am a better human being than the OW on her best day. I can hold my head up and know I am a good, loving, compassionate, LOYAL person. I refuse to destroy that.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Oct 2013
2yrsblind
♂ 41974
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can honestly say I almost did. Two days after D-day I got all the way to the parking lot of the apartment complex when I felt guilty and thought I'm better then this.

OW was exWW's "good friend" she had, in the past made comments that were flirty. ExWW said "oh she just a big flirt"

I would have felt horrible, hell I felt horrible the first couple times I slept with women after D.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because it doesn't make things even, it makes things worse.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5493 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you want to become all that you hate about your WS? If you have an RA, you will.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thought is it is pointless to further damage something you are trying to fix. If my husband trashed my house then it would be very silly if I made the mess worse out of revenge. Chances are I would be the only one cleaning up that mess too.

I was never tempted but I can see how others could be. Affairs damage self-esteem. It's nice to be desired by someone else and validation that the A didn't happen because you were unlovable.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A revenge affair is entering into an A with FULL knowledge of its wide sweeping consequences. You already know how much destruction they carry with them. What makes it worse, is that you are entering into that destruction with your eyes wide open. It's a willful, rebellious and self destructive act.

Why make a BS out of your WS, when being a BS is such a difficult road? Why make an AP out of yourself or someone else, when that is such a difficult road.

You know where that road goes, you know the destination sucks, so why on earth would you go there?


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
HeartInADustpan
♀ 38341
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simple answer---I'm MARRIED.

Just because my WS wanted to act like he wasn't, doesn't release me from my commitment. If I want to screw someone else, I'll D my H first.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are slipping down the slope....just to condense the great things said:

Do you want to become all that you hate about your WS? If you have an RA, you will.

A revenge affair is entering into an A with FULL knowledge of its wide sweeping consequences. You already know how much destruction they carry with them. What makes it worse, is that you are entering into that destruction with your eyes wide open. It's a willful, rebellious and self destructive act.

If the answer to either question is yes, then the RA will make the situation more complicated, and more ugly, and make reconciliation less likely.

MY integrity and morality is part of the fabric of my being. My self esteem has already taken such a huge hit with my H's ONS that I cannot imagine adding "cheater, whore, liar" to the list of self depreciating comments my dark thought say about myself. It's bad enough to feel like I am not enough. At least I know on my WORST day I am a better human being than the OW on her best day. I can hold my head up and know I am a good, loving, compassionate, LOYAL person. I refuse to destroy that.

because it doesn't make things even, it makes things worse.

Simple answer---I'm MARRIED.

You do not want to have the same shame and guilt that remorseful WS's have. We will forever carry a very dark spot in our hearts that will never go away. Trust me. Don't go there, its not worth it, its really really not.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
cvs2kkids
♂ 41298
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simple answer---I'm MARRIED.
Just because my WS wanted to act like he wasn't, doesn't release me from my commitment. If I want to screw someone else, I'll D my H first
.

Simply this.


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


Posts: 239 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
ILINIA
♀ 39836
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me? Because I know who I am. I have been betrayed, lied to, and manipulated. I have felt unimaginable pain, grief, and loneliness, but I am still standing.

Listen to your WS and read the Wayward forum, they are dealing with so much inner turmoil on who they are and why they did it. They are faced with guilt and the realization that their selfishness gutted another human being and may destroy their family. Why enter that world when you are strong enough or healthy enough to make a choice not to?


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 515 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ 13333
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it is pointless to further damage something you are trying to fix

^^^^THIS Piling more crap on the shit pile only makes a bigger shit pile.

You say you have had opportunity but have always walked away. Why would you want to go against your own apparent core values?


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6631 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Justgreatnews
♂ 41666
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like the others have said, its all about living the way you expected your spouse to behave.

As it stands, you've got nothing to apologize for, or feel deceitful for.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have a leaky pipe in your house, do you fix it by puncturing another pipe?

I was tempted....VERY tempted. But I am married....if I want to be with another woman...I will D first. How many of us would have welcomed that choice by our fWS over the weak choice they made?

You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life....there is no choice in that. If you decide adultery is a deal breaker for you, you CAN choose to leave your wife. If adultery IS a deal breaker for you.....why do it for and to yourself? You can never escape you.

I have never read or seen posted how rewarding a RA actually turned out to be....only seen more destruction. I follow one SI members journey closely....affairs on both sides.....they are struggling MORE in their M MORE than those who "just" had one spouse cheat.

With regards to your opportunity to have an A......it is an option for most all people....regardless of physical attractiveness (my wifes fAP was a dumpy middle-aged man, father of 5...hardly society's definition of a stud), financial or social status.

Just look at this site....look around the community you live in to prove that having an A is hardly dependent on anything but two willing people to engage in it.......it is NOT about anyone else but the single person deciding to have an affair. It isnt even about the AP....it really is an individual decision. Need further proof? Look at some high profile adultery examples....look at the varied discrepancies in AP's.

What inside YOU makes you contemplate a RA?


You don't owe me that answer...you owe it to yourself.


Since RA was a temptation for me as well, I did some looking....discovered that I very much have the desire to be with other women.....I took vows and I had boundaries in place to reduce the level of "opportunity" and keep those vows intact....but as I examined myself I could see A being chosen as an option for me. I think I was relying too heavily on boundaries and not putting as much stock into maturing, growing, nurturing what needs to be done within me. Kind of like I was treating the symptoms and not the cause. Make sense?

It is scary at first, to realize some of the reasons behind my boundary establishments (that they were NOT purely in place out of love for my wife, but as a defense against my own sinful nature)....but then I found strength in identifying a weakness in me, the root causes. I can now work on those root causes in healthy ways.....now that I am aware of temptations within me.

One way is turning towards my wife for that which I am tempted to look outside of my M for. This is part of the factor in my journey away from porn.

Turning towards our spouses with our needs. How many of us wished our spouses had the courage to do that when they "noticeable lack of courage" when they choose to have an affair?

Stay strong. Find courage.

If nothing else....tell yourself you can always sleep with other women, have relationships with other women IF your M ends in D. Kinda weak-kneed approach to R, but it was a technique I used to get me through some really really really tempting spots along my journey.....

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:33 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LosferWords
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I see it, an "RA" is really just an affair. Take the R off, and ask the same question. Imagine the responses you would get on this site if you simply posed the question: Why are affairs bad?

Also, regardless of your status of reconciliation, divorce, separation, limbo, etc., there is only one person that you are guaranteed that you will have to live with and answer to for the rest of your life: you.

Kudos to you for posting out here for feedback, instead of diving straight down that slippery slope.


Posts: 7986 | Registered: Dec 2010
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kudos to you for posting out here for feedback, instead of diving straight down that slippery slope.

healthy advice!!!!

Post often....

You are doing well to recognize your feelings but NOT acting on them until you ferret out what the root cause is. I also applaud your desire to put these feelings "out there". Again, this is NOT what a WS minded person would do....you are not a WS, yet.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:39 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
suchislife01
♂ 42144
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not have an RA.

I would just end my M, and move on. Seek a better future with and pray for wisdom, strength, resiliency, and guidance to find a faithful partner.

I am a firm believer that the best revenge is to live well.

I don't expect you to understand my reasons, I just hope you have the desire to heal and find yourself in a position to find out that no one can make you happy but yourself.

Others are hurt and damage by life circumstances, choose to break the cycle and become the better man.

BTW, it is easier said than done, yet if you do happiness awaits.

Believe that.

[This message edited by suchislife01 at 8:48 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
suchislife01
♂ 42144
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and why would RA's be bad? Because it would make you something that you are not.


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I love my husband...and I would never want him to feel this kind of pain. I KNOW how it feels to be a BS. I would never want anyone I love to feel this way.


If you want to have sex with another person, then just get a divorce. Why bother trying to R if the thought of having sex with this coworker is so appealing? Either you want to be married..or you don't. There is no inbetween. That this OW has approached you..and the two of you have discussed having sex with each other..well..you have already crossed the line. You are flying down the slippery slope. STOP. Be a man of integrity. Is OW married? Do you want to be the OM?

A bit of a side note...you said..

"I have been told by quite a few women that I'm good looking, and have been "hit on" numerous times over the years and have never taken any of it seriously. I've always thought it was the booze or loneliness or that they had some other motivation, so I would laugh it off."

That sounds like if you had thought their motivation had been genuine,not the booze or whatever, you wouldn't have laughed it off. So, maybe you have been open to having an affair for awhile now,long before your dday, you just didn't act on it because you weren't sure if they were serious. It really shouldn't matter what their motivation is. YOU are married. Who cares what their motivation was?

It sounds like you have been tempted for a long time. Revenge affair or not, it's still cheating, it's still betrayal. It is an act of cruelty. Don't do that to your WW. Don't do it to yourself.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:03 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7897 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
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