So I read chapter 7 of 'Not Just Friends'. I had previously stopped the book at this chapter when I saw the title was 'Repairing the Couple and Building Goodwill'. Like some previous chapters I thought, THIS chapter is definitely NOT for me since my wife isn't even talking to me...
How wrong I was...
This chapter is the best yet reminding me to be THE FIRST ONE exposed and committed to investing in the relationship. And I have to be honest, when I am calm, what bad could ever come of investing in the relationship with my BS? Even if she hates me forever, we still have to raise these three boys...I need to invest!
There are wonderful details about what to do if you're only staying together for the kids. Wow, this helped a ton because my BS has said many times in MC that right now, we're ONLY together because of the kids. Guess what? THAT IS OKAY and right now that may be enough.
Finally, and most helpful were the passages in dealing with the emotional resistance from your spouse. This was some of the best words yet because my BS is in full resistance mode right now, for her own protection. This chapter helped me understand it and continue to find new ways to invest in my family while still surviving her disregard for my signs of attention and caring.
Thank you chapter 7. I had low expectations and you over delivered on all accounts.
Good for you for continuing to read this book, Prayingforhope. This is what BS's need. They need our WS's to not give up, to keep on going, to be committed to healing and changing themselves, to fight for (even when it seems pointless) the marriage and the spouse. To be invested.
*pat on the back*
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Thank you for posting.
I almost gave up at that stage and cried about it here:
BUT the feedback I got was fair and accurate...we need to FEEL IT to get better and thankfully, the book gets more and more hopeful and helpful as it moves on (at least through chapter 7 I can say that..)
Good luck cracking the cover again!
Thanks for the motivation.
Separated transitioning to D
I agree it's a great book. Easily read, has great exercises to stretch the thinking process and is fair and non-judgmental to the WS.
One of the classics, right up there with Sue Johnson's Hold me Tight, Gary Chapman's 5 love Languages, Susan Anderson's The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and lets not forget, John Bradshaw and Healing The Shame That Binds You.
And when your done that those, head over to this thread and get a glimpse of more books that other WS's also found helpful in healing.
Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves - Henry David Thoreau
That being said, I'm in a tough spot right now (separated, no contact with my BS, living out of the home) and this book now sits on my shelf reminding me the crossing in the road ahead.
Either my BS decides I might be worth the gift of R and the book comes racing off the shelf as our field guide to recovering. I would LOVE to dig into those exercises with her as they would be as revealing as they would be scary in the insight and from that we could start to build a new relationship.
The second option of course is my BS chooses D - a choice she has every right to considering my LTA - and that book just keeps on collecting dust.
Every morning I look at the cover and am reminded of the unknown future and say the Serenity prayer.
Time will reveal all things and I for one am curious to see what the future holds...