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Newest Member: Brokeninnm38 (61788)

User Topic: I was grateful for chapter 7 last night...
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crud day yesterday and I won't bore you with the details already posted about the loss of friends as a result of my A. I had anger then panic then depression but I pushed through and tried to pick up where I left off working on myself.

So I read chapter 7 of 'Not Just Friends'. I had previously stopped the book at this chapter when I saw the title was 'Repairing the Couple and Building Goodwill'. Like some previous chapters I thought, THIS chapter is definitely NOT for me since my wife isn't even talking to me...

How wrong I was...

This chapter is the best yet reminding me to be THE FIRST ONE exposed and committed to investing in the relationship. And I have to be honest, when I am calm, what bad could ever come of investing in the relationship with my BS? Even if she hates me forever, we still have to raise these three boys...I need to invest!

There are wonderful details about what to do if you're only staying together for the kids. Wow, this helped a ton because my BS has said many times in MC that right now, we're ONLY together because of the kids. Guess what? THAT IS OKAY and right now that may be enough.

Finally, and most helpful were the passages in dealing with the emotional resistance from your spouse. This was some of the best words yet because my BS is in full resistance mode right now, for her own protection. This chapter helped me understand it and continue to find new ways to invest in my family while still surviving her disregard for my signs of attention and caring.

Thank you chapter 7. I had low expectations and you over delivered on all accounts.

WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can not say too many times what a fantastic book "Not Just Friends" is. Dr. Shirley Glass was a pioneer and really understood infidelity.

Good for you for continuing to read this book, Prayingforhope. This is what BS's need. They need our WS's to not give up, to keep on going, to be committed to healing and changing themselves, to fight for (even when it seems pointless) the marriage and the spouse. To be invested.

*pat on the back*

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13446 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All right. You've convinced me. I'm going to start reading it again. I have like three other books going right now, but I think I need that kick in the pants.

Thank you for posting.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly."

Posts: 760 | Registered: Dec 2013
♂ 42047
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only through the first couple of chapters in that. It feels like she was watching me and taking notes in those first few chapters. Painful as hell, but it shines a light on the last few years of my life. Glad to know that it gets more hopeful.

Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 911 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first couple of chapters hurt BAD. It's basically like reliving DDay AND the ongoing suffering of my BS over and over again...

I almost gave up at that stage and cried about it here:

BUT the feedback I got was fair and accurate...we need to FEEL IT to get better and thankfully, the book gets more and more hopeful and helpful as it moves on (at least through chapter 7 I can say that..)

Good luck cracking the cover again!

WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 42505
Member # 42505
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you taken the quizzes included in the book? I've taken some, avoided others. I keep going back through it and underlining passages that speak to me, write comments in, etc. I use it like a workbook.

Me -WW - 49
Him -BH -45
DD - 1-21-14
no children together
M - 3 1/2 years, together 7

Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: CO
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am inspired to re-read it. It's been a year and 1/2, and I don't remember anything specifically.

Thanks for the motivation.

Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D

Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
♂ 25460
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, congradulations on reading Chapter 7.

I agree it's a great book. Easily read, has great exercises to stretch the thinking process and is fair and non-judgmental to the WS.

One of the classics, right up there with Sue Johnson's Hold me Tight, Gary Chapman's 5 love Languages, Susan Anderson's The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and lets not forget, John Bradshaw and Healing The Shame That Binds You.

And when your done that those, head over to this thread and get a glimpse of more books that other WS's also found helpful in healing.


Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves - Henry David Thoreau

Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Hufi, I actually went well past chapter 7 and finished reading this book a number of weeks ago. It's an amazing book and there is no doubt why it gets mentioned do often around SI.

That being said, I'm in a tough spot right now (separated, no contact with my BS, living out of the home) and this book now sits on my shelf reminding me the crossing in the road ahead.

Either my BS decides I might be worth the gift of R and the book comes racing off the shelf as our field guide to recovering. I would LOVE to dig into those exercises with her as they would be as revealing as they would be scary in the insight and from that we could start to build a new relationship.

The second option of course is my BS chooses D - a choice she has every right to considering my LTA - and that book just keeps on collecting dust.

Every morning I look at the cover and am reminded of the unknown future and say the Serenity prayer.

Time will reveal all things and I for one am curious to see what the future holds...

WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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