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Newest Member: Turtlemode (46041)

User Topic: Help, please
AppalachianGal
♀ 31672
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read my sig line. I've told him to leave. He says he'll go tomorrow. He's done this before, never leaves. We are sleeping in the same bed, but he has been told over and over to not touch me. Well, he woke me for sex. I lost it. I let him have it with both barrels and he got mad and cursed me. He will show a glimmer of remorse and then do stupid shit like this. I ended up apologizing to him but told him that while I didn't mean to hurt him, what I said, I meant. I wanted him gone. He'd never touch me again. That multiple affairs were unacceptable. He thinks we can be happy,says he's learned a lesson. I'm being played, aren't I? He also apologized for cursing and getting angry, said that's not the man he wanted to be anymore. WHY does he think a roll in the hay is going to fix anything? I'm starting to see I am dealing with someone with a mental illness. I think he wants to be a cake eater. He is minimizing, too. Rugsweeping. Doesn't want to hear about how "bad" he is. I guess its because he feels guilty, not remorseful. Huge difference. Opinions?


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have enough time under my belt to offer advice for your situation. But I can offer hugs and support because I can hear your pain and frustration.

I'm sure someone will be along with great insight shortly!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thinks he can do this because this is what he has been doing since your first dday.

He has't done any healing work, he hasn't fixed anything.

He is probably expecting to hang around, manipulate you into changing your mind, again.

It's the cycle.

Good for you for stopping it. Be strong, continue to put your foot down and make him leave.

You are worth more than what he gives.

(((hugs))) and strength.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
AppalachianGal
♀ 31672
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just asked him why he was ignoring what I was saying. He said "I'm not ignoring you" and again got pissy with me. I called him on getting upset and he said he wasn't. Whatever. Then he said "I'm not intentionally ignoring what you said." I said "really? then what do YOU call it?" Silence. This is insane. I can repeat something he says word for word and when he hears how stupid it is, he will say that's not what he said. Drives me nuts. There is something wrong with this man.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
jjct
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A good option for your mental health and peace of mind is to detach from the crazy.
Do the 180.

Engaging when they're this avoidant of reality is damaging to you.
Disengage.


Posts: 6840 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
HeartInADustpan
♀ 38341
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear God, Please prevent me from posting before at least one cup of coffee. So sorry.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 7:38 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was my WH's MO after dday1. While his head was still wedge betwixt his cheeks.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
AppalachianGal
♀ 31672
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Detaching is so hard. He is also a functional alcoholic so I know all about what detaching is. Over the past 8 years (since returning from Iraq and diving headfirst into a bottle of bourbon), I've slowly detached on certain things. I have a thick head. It takes a while for things to sink in. lol I also have a heart. It overrides my head 90% of the time.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
lordhasaplan?
♂ 30079
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

App Gal. First off I am sorry this ass hat continues his ways. But I must say, you are your worst enemy. IF you don't want this why did you allow him to sleep in a bed with you? It sends mixed messages to the mentally impaired sexualized asshat WS. He woke you for sex because you allowed him in your bed. You need to enforce your demands. If he doesn't leave pack his shit and put it in the yard, or in his car and say OUT! Don't accept being ignored.
WHY does he think a roll in the hay is going to fix anything?
because it worked last time.....


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
AppalachianGal
♀ 31672
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I let him sleep in this bed? Good question. I can think of 2 reasons -- First, he won't do something he doesn't want to do just because I say so. He can be a bully. Another, he has hurt his back and sleeping on the couch downstairs makes it worse (I'm trying to be a human being through all of this and not wanting him to hurt; stupid, I know). As for mixed signals, yes, I understand that but that is why I keep TELLING him that I can't be intimate with him now. I really do need to find the courage to hefty-bag his shit and get him out. I was under the impression I was dealing with an adult and we could in-house separate so to speak until he finds a place to go.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AG-

Ok, here you go. He should not be in your house or sleeping in your bed.

Back hurts? Tough shit
Don't have anywhere to stay? Tough shit.
Mental illness? Once again, tough shit.

He needs to get out of your house. How many chances has he had to "be the right person"? Too many. Fuck him - he needs to get out.

Until you make him get out and start living your life, you're going to continue with the life that he wants you to live, which is.... being married to a habital cheater.

Take control here. You deserve better than this. He deserves the consequences of his actions.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7866 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thinks he can do this because this is what he has been doing since your first dday.

He has't done any healing work, he hasn't fixed anything.

He is probably expecting to hang around, manipulate you into changing your mind, again.

It's the cycle.

This ^^^^

AG...be strong, don't waiver on your decision. Maybe he will get help when he understands you are serious. He's playing on your niceness...be firm. We are all rooting for you. You can do this. He needs you to do it as much as you need to..could just be the push he needs to address his issues.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5277 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
AppalachianGal
♀ 31672
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still wrestle with thinking I love this guy. I know I love the man I believed him to be. I need to get back out "Co-dependent No More" and re-read it. He was my first. We met when I was 15. I loved him. But my story is nothing any different than any other story here in SI. Having a hard time believing the man I am seeing after 26 years together. I was so blind and such a fool.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loving someone and allowing them to treat you like shit are 2 different things. You have to love yourself enough to save yourself from this toxic mess.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7866 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
AppalachianGal
♀ 31672
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right. All of you are right. Time to respect and love me. No one else in this marriage has. He says what I want to hear. I know this. He lies to his friends about me. I've overheard him lying to his VA psychologist about me. He tries to make other people think badly of me. Always quick to point out that I am not perfect, but I think I am, I am self-righteous, holier-than-thou, etc. Then will turn around and say he believes we can be happy after this (this being his affairs)....WTF?

[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 8:59 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
lordhasaplan?
♂ 30079
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to love yourself enough to save yourself from this toxic mess.

AMEN

He is manipulating and playing games with you and you haven't yet decided your worth more than all of his bullshit. I can tell you, YOU ARE!
But until you believe it, he will keep manipulating you and abusing you.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
AppalachianGal
♀ 31672
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just brought me breakfast.....

[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 9:02 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
NikkiD
♀ 38173
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad used to say that men fix stuff by fighting, fycking or killing somebody. When I would ask him, what is wrong with a conversation, he said that aint how we are suppose to respond.

I thought about that alot. how, even when women do fight, there is a build up, a whole damn sonnet before any fists fly. But, men....respond immediately. Men get mad and go fyck some random chick...as opposed to communicating to their spouse what they want and need, or what is botherign them. They shoot up schools and neighborhoods instead of conversing with the person they have a problem with.

IDK if that is a mental illness or a conditioned reponse.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice gestures like breakfast don't count for anything unfortunately--he's trying to diminish your resolve, keep everything he wants with no sacrifice, feed you enough affection to keep you around. But he can't give you what REALLY matters and what you really need, a changed self.

I totally understand that you DO love him despite his shitty behavior--that's the hard part about love, it holds on. But--you have to love yourself more.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, January 24th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still wrestle with thinking I love this guy. I know I love the man I believed him to be.

Loving him has nothing to do with allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat.

It has everything to do with not loving yourself.



He just brought me breakfast.....


^^ this shows you how little he thinks of you. You are not a woman he wants to share his life with. He believes you to be a woman he can control and manipulate.

Don't be his puppet. Get angry, he is being an asshole.

Get some trash bags and hefty his shit. Hell, better yet, throw the shit on the lawn and let him buy his own hefty bags. I don't care what you do but get angry and get to changing whatever it is in you that would even consider for an instant that this man could possibly love and support you in an emotionally healthy manner.

I am pissed for you. Damn it.


this nikkid, IMO

But, men....respond immediately. Men get mad and go fyck some random chick...as opposed to communicating to their spouse what they want and need, or what is botherign them. They shoot up schools and neighborhoods instead of conversing with the person they have a problem with.

Is a crazy generalization. Men do not corner the market on screwing around, hurting people and communication issues.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:36 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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