This is my first post, even though I've been reading for awhile. My WH's 2+ month PA/EA with a co-worker who had come in to town on a contract was early last fall. It was extremely intense, and he was "in love", even though he had only met her days before the A started.
I knew something was horribly wrong during those 2 months, but never in my wildest dreams suspected an affair. We were one of those "good marriage" couples. We had a fun, adventurous life, a good sex life, and were best friends.
He came clean on October 23, but followed up his NC letter with almost immediate contact, and didn't truly end things until 2 weeks later. I didn't find out the extent of the relationship, or the actual end date, until 12/31, when I discovered letters and emails stored on his laptop.
We were living overseas during all of this, and I moved back to the US about a week after DDay, when it became clear he really had no remorse. 24 hour flight, 2 kids, 6 suitcases, dog.....nightmare.
Anyway, as soon as we left, he decided he wanted to work on our marriage. Of course. But it took another 6 weeks for him to get transferred back and join us here. During those 6 weeks, he was still deeply in a fog, and was a pretty big jerk at times, especially at first.
But now we're all here. He says he's committed to working on our marriage. We're in MC and he's in IC. He's not so foggy anymore, and I know he's extremely ashamed and filled with regret. He's being open and transparent, and I believe he's sticking to NC. We've had some really good talks, and he's working on being a better husband, in some ways, than he was before the A.
But here's what is of huge concern to me - he still gets too upset to hear what I need to say, much of the time. He'll get angry, or detached, and shut down. Last night, he initiated a really great talk. He was patient, understanding, and seemed to really be trying to "get it." But the talk went on way too long, and it turned to a more negative place, where I was saying things that were really hard for him to hear. So he shut down, we didn't talk again last night, and he left this morning without even saying goodbye. This is the pattern.
So I feel pretty confused about the possibility of R. I'm working on my own healing, and generally my head is in a pretty good place. But I'm so so sick of feeling optimistic about progress, only to have this stupid stuff happen over and over. He seems to be coming around, but he isn't there yet, obviously. How long do I wait around?
Plus, it's so confusing to try to decide how to approach the whole thing. Do I just work on me, try not to worry about his work, knowing I have no control over that anyway? Do I try to work on the marriage, trying to be loving and understanding while he deals with his crap? It's like I go back and forth between feeling strong enough to be a little vulnerable and work on us, and being guarded and needing to work exclusively on me. Between being honest and open about my hurt and anger, and being numb and indifferent.
Basically, I feel crazy. *sigh* So sick of it.