My exWW had this attitude for months. The affair put me on the edge and I started the divorce process, but actually put two delays on to see if she was serious about trying to R. This attitude was the exact attitude she had about the whole thing. She told MC "I want to see if there's a marriage left for me", and refused to remove him from FB, and refused to give access to cell phone and emails.
This is why I think so many R's fail miserably, and it's so hard to get over cheating. When the wayward will do nothing to help rebuild trust, and instead flashes this snarky snotty attitude that they don't have to do anything to help build trust and they don't need to help the BS, that its all on the BS, which is what I've said all along, that most R's means the work is done by the BS and WS is cake eating and along for the ride, then I have little sympathy for waywards and their broken, better than anyone, sleep with who I want, hurt who I want, and torture my family when I want attitude. I know there's remorseful waywards who honestly think their choices are horrifying, but I think many that we see on SI are the exception. I think there's far more like this one out there, and from what I've seen in my own social circles, the cheaters rarely appear to have missed a beat. They cheat, they laugh about it, they move on, they have no concern for their ex or their families.
Really? It's up to the WS to grant access to private electronic devices? Then I guess it's up to the BS to kick their a%% to the curb for continuing to be a self serving jacka&&.
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
I don't want to speak for the WW you are referring to, but this was my take on it: I think what she was trying to explain was that a WS can appear transparent and there are still ways of getting around that. I rarely check my husband's email etc, because I don't want to have the responsibility of having to check up on him. I'm not his mother, or his jailer. That's not a job I signed up for. He is transparent because he wants to be transparent. His choice. He brings suspect things to me.
Of course a WS should give access and be transparent and if they choose not to do that, usually because they are hiding something, a BS has the right to kick them to the curb.
I think that WW's answers reflected that if she makes changes for the BS alone, they won't stick. She has to do them for herself. I agree with that.
In the beginning my husband was changing for me, to appease me and to get me to stay in the marriage. That would not have worked long-term. It was false. With remorse and self-examination he had to make the changes for himself because he recognized he didn't like what he saw and wanted to change. I felt a lot safer once that started to happen. He did bust his butt to make me feel safe, because those 2 things went hand-in-hand.
I hope that makes sense. I'm sorry your XWW dumped her crap in your lap.
I'm a betrayed spouse, how does my partner rebuild trust with me. There's a lot more to that post, but there's this tangent that the WW went down, for no reason. No one in their right mind wants to be another persons jailer forever, but for a betrayed spouse, yes, it's a 100% necessity to find trust if reconciliation is going to be achieved. But to tell someone one relatively new to the world of betrayal that they can only have access to phones and emails if the wayward says so, just sounds piggish and mean.
Yes they have to do it for themselves, and it has to be honest. The fact they demolished another person has to be a consideration. There has to be recognition, and action, to correct the wrongs and THAT is up to the betrayed! The truth? I don't think many marriages survive. They're never right again, and the drama associated with cheating rarely leaves the marriage. It becomes a centerpiece. Just my opinion, but if it takes 2-5 years of honest openness and transparency, how many years would it take if your wayward said they only want to give you access to email and phone if they choose to do so? That's a cheater mentality.
"If you want access to all devices, then your WS can agree or not."
^^ that, unfortunately, is a simple fact.
The BS then decides if a negative response to transparency request is acceptable or not.
You can only control yourself. If the WW is unremorseful then true R is not an option.
I also agree that if changes are not made from a person wanting to be better for themselves those changes will be short lived, faked, forced and likely resented.
The WS' on ICR do not need to answer or give of their experience. I imagine (given they are remorseful WWs wanting to better themselves) that having to delve back into a shitty time in their lives to recall feelings and memories with which to answer a random internet strangers questions, is likely difficult to say the least.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou